Since I was 13 and first started thinking about sex, I have had rape fantasies. I masturbate to them under running bath water. I don't enjoy it, never have an orgasm, etc. It hurts actually. I don't know why I do it, but I always think I'll enjoy it and that I'll feel better after, but I don't. I have tried to masturbate to "normal" fantasies but it doesn't work for me. No matter what I do I don't actually enjoy masturbating, it hurts. I imagine myself being tortured and humiliated.
I have googled it and it's not unheard of for women to have rape fantasies, but they seem to enjoy them, it doesn't seem at all like the way I experience them.
In case it's relevant, I'm 17. I've had a severe eating disorder since I was 15 and started self harm a few months ago when I was forced to enter residential treatment. I have never been sexually abused. My dad is sometimes emotionally abusive and very rarely mildly physically abusive, but that's it. No other trauma or anything dramatic in my life that would justify me being such a nut job.
All insight appreciated. Thank you.
Last edited by sherlock holmes : 07-02-2011 at 08:38 PM.
Reason: added an adult label
Have you talked to a professional about this at all?
Quote:
I have never been sexually abused. My dad is sometimes emotionally abusive and very rarely mildly physically abusive, but that's it. No other trauma or anything dramatic in my life that would justify me being such a nut job.
Everyone reacts to things differently and though you may not feel that the abuse justifies your actions / thoughts etc. it just may be how you're dealing with it for whatever reason. Also, you may be acting on repressed memories of something that has happened that you aren't currently fully aware about.
I personally think that seeing a therapist about this would be your best bet. It sounds like a form of self punishment / harm because you know that you don't enjoy it etc. so it would be good to talk through with someone and try to work out why you put yourself through it.
You aren't a nut job though, at all. I think you've been really brave to reach out about this. It can't have been easy.
Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do you want?
I'm wondering if you ever have had an orgasm before? Does it hurt when you are not thinking about the rape fantasies?
Sex and masturbation shouldn't be distressing. Fantasies shouldnt be harmful or unwanted, and so you recognise that you dont enjoy them and so I think you need to talk to someone about them.
I want to clarify- many people have what they call "rape fantasies" where they find the thought of being tied up or dominated exciting, many people explore this with partners, but they know that they would not enjoy a real life rape scenario. Can you distinguish the difference?
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Yes, I understand the difference. No I have never had an orgasm or anywhere near, and it hurts even when I attempt other fantasies.
I'm in therapy for my eating disorder right now but could never in a million years bring this up. Thank you for the advice though, I really appreciate it.
You are so brave to talk about this, i had a similar thing and wrote it on a piece of paper for my therapist to read. Yes it was so embarassing but afterward i felt so much better. If its bothering you that much, i urge you to seek help about it. Doing so on here is the first step really.
xxx
The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being
weve known lots of friends who have been in therapy for EDs and other issues are discovered.. sure it would be hard to discuss this with your therapist just as it is difficult talking about anything that someone doesnt understand about themselves or having to admit to yourselves and others that you need help with it .. but we think you should bring it up with your therapist..
suggestion- if it is too difficult to actually discuss with yourT then write them a letter about it and ask him/her to read it later because its distressing for you.. weve had to do that before.. and it helped a ton. Goodluck.. Karma
Karma, that is such a good idea, thank you. I will consider it. I'm going to be in therapy for my ED for a long time so I have time to decide whether or not to bring this up. Thank you.
I think it would be wise to discuss this with your therapist. Not because it is unheard of, or freakish, but because it is something that is distressing you.
I wonder how much of your actions are a form of self harm, and how much are looking for pleasure. As you say you have not gained pleasure from these actions. It may be that you have a condition which causes the body to tighten and react badly to stimulus - which can be painfull, but is also treatable.
Roiben
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
