buying blade

[zivalover16]

I am currently a little over 3 months free from cutting. I was managing to cope with things pretty well since I got out of the hospital.That was until this week. It started off with having to take a friend to the hospital because she had a temp of 104 and it wasn't going down. Thankfully we didn't spend too much time there. She ended up need an inhaler and antibiotic and was told to watch for pneumonia.

Monday was ok, saw my therapist felt like I was getting yelled at for not doing hw. The whole session was somewhat triggering.

Then Tuesday it snowed, so afternoon classes where cancelled. I went to the cafe to buy dinner and on my way out of the building I slipped on water and fell directly on my knee on a marble floor. Campus safety was called and when he asked me to move my knee I screamed from the pain. That led to an ambulance ride. The emt asked which hospital I wanted to go to, I said I don't care do to the pain, so they brought me to the er which I don't trust (they've done several stupid thing including send my friend home with an impassable kidney stone) They took x-rays gave me crutches and sent me on my way only knowing I didn't break my knee and it was bruised.

Wednesday was a day of rest due to a snow day.

Thursday I got to come home. I was happy about that till I got here. My mom refused to let me sit in the only chair in which I could put my leg up (is this childish of me to be upset about?).

Friday I saw my regular dr about my knee (she told me that she's hoping it's just a bad sprain or else it is most likely tendon damage) then I saw my ENT who gave me an antibiotic for an ear infection. I went to get it filled only to find out it could interact with lithium. After 2 hrs at the pharmacy I ended up not changing my antibiotic.

Today all I wanted to do was rest my knee but no, every 5 min I'd have to get up and doing something my mom asked me to. Tomorrow I am going back at some point.
Anyway, all this week has made me want to do is hurt myself but I don't have anything to do that with. The biggest thing I am looking forward to tomorrow is buying blades when I go back to school. I have to go to cvs anyway to get some of my meds filled.

Sorry this is so long. I just could use some advice or support or something. you can tell me if I'm overreacting or whatever......

[silentdancer]

i don't think you're over reacting, it sounds to me like a very tough week! however my thoughts are maybe you could try look at in a positive light that u don't have the means to hurt yourself? do you want to try not hurt yourself, or are you not ready for that?

if u don't want to...maybe u could try putting off buying the blades, half an hour at a time (its what i do when i want a smoke), like say...ok i can buy them in half an hr, then when its time see if u can put it off another half hr...etc etc

sorry if this is no help
xoxo
kaye

[zivalover16]

Thank you Kaye. It is helpful. I shall honestly try this :). I am honestly not sure if I am ready to give up hurting myself at this point. Part of my does and part me doesn't. I don't know which part is bigger right now and that scares me :(

[silentdancer]

its ok, thats an important step, whether you're ready or not yet..atleast part of you does :)

[PhoenixAshies]

Okay, this is going to sound reall childish, but it worked for me in college:

Instead of buying blades, get a coloring book & some crayons. Instead of giving in when you feel the urge to SI, sit (or lay) down and color a page or two...or three. It helped me calm down and destress a lot my senior year!

I'm sorry you've had such a bad week. Just know that as bad as it is now, it'll be that much better soon. *hugs* Stay safe.

[~Grace~]

How are you now hun? It sounds like you had to cope with an horrendous week and maybe it brought back the bad ways of coping. I hope you managed to avoid buying blades and used distraction techniques instead xx

[zivalover16]

I've still got a lot going on, now I'm not feeling well, I have to do a project for a class due Tuesday, and my knee has gotten like 20 times worse. It's to the point where I am crying from the pain, not every night but it is still taking it's toll on me. I am seeing an Orthopedist at home on the 24, I will be missing two classes but w/e....I hate to say it but I gave into the temptation. I bought blades... I haven't used them yet but have no intention of throwing them away. I told my psychiatrist and therapist. My therapist just asked me not to use them as did my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist called me on Thursday to check on me and is going to again at some point next week and possibly change/ increase one of my meds......we'll see.

[pea soup]

Hi,

I'm really glad you havent used the blades. and you dont have to. please know that.

I'm really sorry about your knee. I just had a cast taken off two months ago after a broken ankle, so I know it hurts. I will be hoping the best for you.

much love.
xxxxxxxxxx