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Feeling Triggered
I always feel bad posting on here, I don't really ever post on other people's topics because I don't know what to say that would help at all, and I only ever come on here to whine. Sorry to anyone who is reading this.
I'm really having a hard time tonight. I've been feeling triggered ever since my best friend cut last week, but for some reason the past two days have been incredibly hard. Last night I came so close to cutting, closer than I have in almost six months without it. Then tonight I was a complete idiot and went and bought razors... bad. I know. I'm a terrible person, I suck. I don't know why I did it. I'm so angry at myself and I feel guilty because I'm not going to tell my boyfriend, but I can't make myself throw them away. I don't think I'll cut because it would really, really upset my boyfriend, but I want it so badly... It's been almost 6 months since I last did, which is three times longer than I've ever gone without it in two and a half years. I miss it. I want it. If it weren't for my boyfriend I would cut and I'm ok with that. I don't mind cutting, I don't wnat to stop. But I don't want to lose him because I can't control myself.
But I want it so bad and I just don't understand why...
Also, I've gained weight and I look disgusting and that doesn't help at all. No one else thinks I'm fat, and I'm on the low end of normal as far as BMI goes, but I look so gross. I hate it.
Sorry for this giant whiny mess. I just didn't know where else to go. I can't really talk to anyone about it.
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