Contains Abuse - Who the **** am I, anyway? *triggering*
I feel like everything I've ever known about my childhood has been turned on it's head.
A couple of years back, I traced my biological mother. It now feels like that was the biggest mistake of my life. How I misjudged things so badly, I'll never know.
It took me until June last year to agree to meet her. She had continually lied to me; mainly about the reasons for my adoption. But I felt the need to meet my sisters.
Three months ago, my youngest biological sister was taken into care. The older two had already moved out. The youngest had not long beforehand given bith to a baby boy. We've since found out that the father was my biological mother's boyfriend's. He's since been arrested. My biological mother is still "in a relationship" with him, although she has since disappeared to Leeds. After she officially moved out, the eldest of my younger sisters took responsibility for moving the rest of the biological mother's stuff out of the house. In the process, she came accross my adoption papers, and the reports from social services.
My adoptive parents had always told me that I was adopted because my mother didn't know how to care for me. However, they never mentioned anymore about it, despite my best efforts to find out what had gone wrong. I spent my teenage years suspecting that my biological mother may have lost me unfairly, and had just needed a little more help and support. What a ****, hey?
My sister phoned me two days ago, to ask if I wanted to read the reports. It was the only way I would find out the truth; knowing what was on those papers. I asked her to read the papers out to me, as I was unsure I could face them physically.
Among these papers were reports from social services, from where people had informed them of the conditions I was living in. My mother had been putting out cigarettes on the carpet, not cleaning or tidying up, sometimes not feeding me. Several statements commented on how I used to cower in fear from her. I was 2. 2 year old children are not scared of their parents without good reason. Even my grandfather stated that he had serious concerns. I could hear my sister crying as she read out statements. She also found out that a known paedophile had been living in the house shortly before I was put in care. There were statements from nurses at the hosppital that there were marks between my legs, and suspicions of possible sexual abuse. :(
What the hell do I do with this info? It's turned everything I thought I might have known about my mother on it's head. It's eating away at me. I'm not the perfect mother, but I'd never let anyone possibly hurt Darrell. How the hell do I cope with this? It's eating away at me. Every time I look at Daz, I think about how I was younger than him, and going through that. My heads all over the place. It really is.
*hugs* Oh my gosh I am so sorry for everything you have found out and gone through! I don't know what to say atm but know that my thoughts and prayers are with you!
<3~Solo is my sissy~ <3
Don't look behind you, you aren't traveling that direction.
Thanks. I haven't slept properly since. For the brief time I did sleep last night, I woke up from a nightmare where someone had been hurting my son. How anyone can do that to a child is beyond me. I always cry at stories of kids getting abused... Then to find out I've gone through that? My head's all over the place. I have to go past the place where I lived at the time on the way to uni tomorrow. That scares me a bit.
Im so sorry for finding out all the dreadful truths this way...do you think it may help you to see a therapist, someone you can confide in and talk your way through all of this...big hugs xx
Grace, I have an appointment with the counsellor at uni on Wednesday. I ****ing need it at the moment. On top of all this, the nightmares have flared back up again. I'm not sleeping normally. I'm scared of falling asleep, because when I do, I see bad things. I don't remember all this stuff, but alongside everything else, it pissing scares me. I need to be strong, but no-one's ever taught me that. I've only ever been taught how to hide what I'm feeling.
It is completely shocking, what some people can do and it can be so hard adjusting to it.
Its not ideal, but maybe to begin with, think about what you always knew, that your mum couldnt care for you. This is still true. And in a way she couldnt care for herself either. It sounds to me, like she still cant. That dosnt excusse what she did, I mean as a parent your suppossed to love and protect your child always. But kind of how some people are born with disbailities that might stop them from ever talking or ever reading or writting, perhaps, she just couldnt or didnt know how to look after you or her.
This isnt you fault and people who obviously loved you, made sure you got rescued so to speak. And knowing how much against cruelty to children you are, shows that you are 10 times the person she will ever be. That, even with crappy examples to learn from, you still learnt well how to look after yourself and those you care about.
Your son is safe, I can say that 100%. Why? Because you are his mother and you know how to care for him and would do anything to protect him.
You are strong, but you never know how strong till it is the only option. You have fought a hard battel and come out the other side, that is great strength. And you are talking now, asking for help. Your not hiding. You see, this is all positives in your direction. Your learning skills you have never known and as a result, will bring your son up knowing all the right skills.
I missed the counsellors appointment. Somehow, everything just blew up in my mind yesterday. I mean, everything. From Monday and up til (and probably past) now, I've been cycling between numb and wanting to cry so ****ing hard.
Monday, Valentine's Day, would have been mine and Jamie's anniversary. I couuldn't face uni that day. I ended up falling asleep mid afternoon, and the nightmares started again, consisting of Jamie hurting Darrell, and then trying to kidnap him when I kicked him out of the house.All the feelings came flooding back.
At some point over Monday, Olly (the ex before Jamie) texted me to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. Yesterday, I ended up texting him to tell him to **** off. He's got a girlfriend, yet won't let me go. Why won't he let me go? I've spent the past god knows how long trying to work that out.
Last night, I ended up having a rant at one friend, who seems to have decided he can't stick around after that. Reading back, I can't work out why I had a go at him. None of this is his fault. But I pissed him off, enough for him to decide he doesn't want to know me anymore.
