I've been really confused lately about pretty much everything but this is the most important thing right now. I can't decide anymore if I actually want to quit or not. I don't think I really want to quit anymore, the only reason I said I was going to quit was because it was expected of me, I didn't really have much of a choice. Once my mom found out I was still cutting I was sent to the doctor and my mom pretty much told my whole family about it. I couldn't just say that I don't want to quit when my mom, grandmas, aunt, uncles, and the doctor all were pressuring me and expecting me to stop. So I've gone along with it, pretending with my mom and telling the doctor the truth mixed in with what she wants to hear. Some part of me probably does want to stop cutting, but not yet, if I stopped cutting now in the situation I'm in I'd just start doing something else thats just as bad.
I'm going to my second appointment for my psych assessment in two weeks and I'm debating about telling them I don't really want to stop yet. What would they do if I told them that, would they still make me go to treatment anyways? I'm 18 so my mom can't make me go but would they section me or anything if I refused to get treatment until I was ready to stop? I can't stop just yet, its the only thing holding me together right now.
"Some people get by, with a little understanding. Some people get by, with a whole lot more."
I honestly don't know what to say to you other than you're not the only one. I forced myself to going into therapy because the severity of my thoughts (breaking bones and amputation) was scaring me, and I couldn't escape the thoughts and urges. Going into therapy under crisis, stopping was forced on me. Other people who don't have this problem don't understand as much. Yeah, I went almost a month without it, cold tofurkey, but then I relapsed because stopping was not what I wanted, but what others wanted for me. For "outsiders" it's an all or nothing game, and they don't quite get what it is that we're going through. Ultimately, nobody can make you stop until you are ready. You'll just keep going. Be honest at your psych referral, that's what I would do.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."-Dr. Seuss
I got a call today from the Psych's office and apparently what I thought was just going to be a follow up from my first appointment and discussing treatment plans is actually going to be 2-3 hours of "testing" with their psychologist. So I guess I'll have to wait until they find a name for whats wrong with me before I can tell them that I don't want treatment yet. Do they usually send you to a psychologist for testing after an assessment?
Last edited by Kimaru : 03-02-2011 at 01:11 AM.
Reason: Missed a word
"Some people get by, with a little understanding. Some people get by, with a whole lot more."
Like I said, personally, I went into my university's counseling center for emergency crisis counseling. The psychologist available calmed me down and did an initial assessment to see what was going on. This took a about 2 hours. Then I saw him a few times and he referred me out to the psychiatrist on campus. Before I got to see her I had to see a social worker, and then I was in a few days later to see the psychiatrist. They also did a blood panel on me to make sure that nothing was being caused by a physical condition.
Everyone I had to talk to asked the same basic questions, though. I tried to be as honest as I could, and I told them upfront that talking about emotional things is difficult for me. They all asked to see my cuts, and I turned them all down; they were all okay with that. The psychiatrist made me promise that I would show her if I ever thought I had an infection.
I have an appointment at the end of the month to see the psychiatrist, and I'm going to have to tell her that I'm back to square one. Well, maybe square 1.5 since I'm not currently having amputation thoughts. I'm not sure yet if I am 100 percent ready to give this up.
I wish you luck at your appointment. I hope things turn out well. Come back so I know what happened!
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."-Dr. Seuss
I don't know if there's much I can say to help, but I can really relate. Everyone thinks it's so easy to just quit SI when it's not that simple! They all want me to quit, but I'm not sure if I'm ready yet either. My dad is having me put scar creams on my marks, but I'm honestly not ready to let them go.
Anyway... I hope you're doing ok! Send a message if you need to talk :)
*hugs and love*
"God take me, because I hate me" -Underoath
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, and students. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some not. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every race or religion that you can think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.
I don't know if there's much I can say to help, but I can really relate. Everyone thinks it's so easy to just quit SI when it's not that simple! They all want me to quit, but I'm not sure if I'm ready yet either. My dad is having me put scar creams on my marks, but I'm honestly not ready to let them go.
Anyway... I hope you're doing ok! Send a message if you need to talk :)
*hugs and love*
I know what you mean about the scar cream, my grandma made me put Bio oil on my scars everyday when I was visiting her a few years back and I really didn't want them to fade away.
Also because people think its so easy to quit, they expect you to never slip up and just be able to quit cold turkey right that moment. Thats usually not the case though and its like they're setting themselve up to be disappointed in you once you slip.
Last edited by Kimaru : 06-02-2011 at 10:45 AM.
Reason: Spelling
"Some people get by, with a little understanding. Some people get by, with a whole lot more."
