I just started a new job. My first job in the field that I went to school for. It's been about 3 weeks since I started. I provide behavioral interventions to children in the school and home setting. My job is to implement treatment plans made by clinicians. The whole thing requires a lot of independence and organization because there's a ton of paperwork and scheduling clients. For the most part, it is up to me to make sure I'm doing what I need to do, and that's very scary for me.
I've always struggled with social anxiety and confidence issues. I can deal with the clients (children) pretty well, and I feel like I'm improving my skills every day. However, I was due to start a new case today but because of snow and ice I couldn't make it. It is my first case at home and I haven't met the parents yet. The clinician wanted me to call to introduce myself and I have been having major anxiety over calling them. Now it's around dinner time and I'm having even more anxiety over calling because what if I interrupt their dinner? I know, what's the big deal? But I can't seem to get over it. I would rather meet face to face when they expect me than to call randomly.
I feel weak and dumb to let this beat me now. What a stupid little thing to be bent out of shape over. But it's been growing in different ways over the past couple of weeks and getting worse. I don't feel as confident as I want and I hate that.
All these changes are getting to me...and the urge to self harm keeps creeping back up. It's been a year with only a few minor slip-ups. I'm proud of that, but sometimes I forget why it matters.
Anyone have similar experiences or know what might help?
Thanks for reading.
Just what am I supposed to say?
And tell you why I turned out this way?
Don't make me. Don't make me.
I don't have a similar experience really, although I also have major social anxiety and fears of calling people, so I can relate to how you're feeling definitely.
But I just thought I'd say that one time one of my teachers phoned my house during the evening to talk to my parents about a meeting they were having about me at school the next day because I was having problems. And we were having dinner at the time, so technically he interrupted our dinner.
But it was not an issue at all. Because he was helping me, and we knew he was there to help, and it meant a huge deal to me that he had called so late because it was the evening and it should have been his own time, and he was using that time to try and help me.
I know it's not the same situation, but basically I just wanted to say that however scared you know, know that they will be grateful to you because you are there to help them. And if on that small chance they were eating etc, all that would happen is that they could let you know and then they could phone you back. Which would be very scary for you, but then it would be over. And often the anticipation and the fear can be worse than actually doing it.
Sorry this is so long and that I can't say anything more helpful, but good luck (and well done for your new job). Try to fight the urges to self-harm - can you try and write a list of the reasons you stopped doing it if you're forgetting, something to remind you if you need it?
Hey,
I can relate to those anxious feelings, it stops me doing things sometimes. Although this isn't really advice on how to deal with it, I think the best thing you can do is not beat yourself up about it. Social anxiety is an issue that you have, it isn't your fault, it will make things tricky sometimes but it isn't something you should let make you feel bad about yourself. At some point you'll have to bite the bullet and do some of the things that make you feel like that, and you will. Til then, don't feel bad- a new job like that is bound to leave your confidence shaken, but it should pass. And it's normal. You're doing well.x
I'm struggling again. I overslept today and was an hour late for work. It was a huge ordeal because I had to call my office and the school to let them know I was running late. I am just so pissed at myself. My first month with this job and I'm already ****ing up. I mean, it's not a HUGE deal as long as it doesn't happen often, but to me it's nothing but bullshit. I feel like a joke. What the hell am I doing here? I'm supposed to be an adult, I'm supposed to be better. I have been doing so well for a year and now I feel like I'm creeping back to where I was. I feel depressed and anxious and scared. I have no confidence. How can I help people when I don't even think I can? When I'm afraid to act like a normal person and talk to people with confidence? My friend keeps telling me that it will pass...that it's just the new job stress. She thinks I'll find my confidence soon. Maybe she's right...but I'm sick of making an ass of myself. I don't expect it to be easy, but I don't even enjoy this. At all. I feel like this job is so not right for me. I love helping people, I do it all the time, but this feels different. Maybe because it's work...but even so, I just feel so out of character all the time. I don't like it.
Anyway...I cut today. This month it will be a year since I quit. I felt good about quitting. I thought "I can't imagine ever cutting again". I was in a good place. I was able to see everything clearly. And now, I don't know where I am. Or what I'm doing. I can't let myself run away from this job. I have to stick it out for a few months.
I'm constantly arguing with myself. I am so pissed off that I am here again. I'm pissed off that I'm feeling this way, and that I'm even THINKING about letting my *irrational* thoughts and feelings control me again.
Sorry about the ranting and rambling! Thanks for reading.
Just what am I supposed to say?
And tell you why I turned out this way?
Don't make me. Don't make me.
you are still doing well. please don't let the slip up ruin the way you think about yourself- it was understandable, given the stress. a year is still a long time.
sorry you're feeling down xxx
dont forget that you are going through a huge change in your life, things are bound to feel different. But the longer you work at it the easier it will get...youre doing really well xx
x