My appt with my therapist wasnt until mid afternoon yesterday. I've had a really horrible week full of triggers. I haven't done very well at all from not harming. I've pulled all stops out to try to prevent what I don't want to do. Down on hands and knees scrubbing all the floors, laundry, dishes, wiping down counters, getting on the pc to play farmville, and then posting here wasn't enough. With nothing left to keep me busy and to keep the emotional pain and chaos away I let myself down again. Sometimes like today before I have to go to therapy I get so messed up. My thoughts rage my heart beats so fast and it feels like its going to explode. My stomach rebels against me and I can't calm myself down. What do I end up doing before my appt? Exactly what I strive so hard not to do. I took my anxiety med to try to relax me but without much help. I finally get there and I am waiting in the waiting room. I have long hair and I wear make up. My therapist says the make up is my mask and my hair so people wont see me so I wont have too look them in the eye because since a very young age I was trained by my parents look no one in the eye keep your mouth shut and you deserve everything you get. While waiting in the therapist waiting room I had my head down picking at my fingernails. The next thing I know I had drawn a crowd. Everyone was asking me if I was okay. I wasn't crying or anything. I suppose I looked in worse shape than I thought. My past has been haunting me for a few weeks now. Something I thought I had gotten past. My gf's mom abusing me triggered everything all over again. She made me a victim. My gf put me in the position where I felt helpless. The city police, county police, sherrifs office, and victims advocate kept calling and writing letters. I wasn't interested in pressing charges. All I wanted was a order of protection and my gf refused. I needed her testimony as well to get it. I knew if I did it on my own she would kick me out and I have no family or friends. I was left just like when I was little and with my abusive ex husband feeling helpless and no sense of control. Now the result since mid january everything has rushed back in to invade my days and my sleep. Nobody can stop me from harming but me. This I am very aware of. I am not putting myself in danger but I am resorting to it more and more. I don't want this. I am so hurt , angry, upset, and confused I dont know which way is where. I completed my last weeks therapist goal. I start college in less than a week. Today her goal she set for me was to start thinking about myself. Easier said than done when you have a gf who is always saying do this do that. Always cleaning, cooking, taking care of her budget, anything and everything while she sets in her recliner and I cant even get five minutes to myself. It's not right that you can get into places for physical abuse yet to me the much worse mental abuse there is no where to go. I hate being bipolar 1, borderline personality disorder, ptsd, and a harmer. I guess that means I hate me. I've been thru so much my entire life why do those problems always take control away from me? Life is precious so no fear I would never do anything to take that away. After so many years of therapy I know its a long process. It took me almost a decade to become who i always wanted to be. I let myself down and let people who claimed to love me pick me apart until I was a shell again. You want instant help from your therapist yet you know its a long process and your starting from the beginning again. My therapist always inspects me to make sure I'm keeping it safe and stressing first aid. She's the one person who doesnt judge or condemn me for it. In time she truly believes we can beat this again. I really feel bad right now. I'm scared to sleep because all my life I was awakened to horrible things. When I do sleep the nightmares rush in. Im living on a couple of hours of sleep a night. I am unsafe. When diagnosed i bought every book I could and searched the entire internet. I wanted to educate myself. The harm books are great about the why but don't give the answer as to how to stop. I'm going to be struggling but for all of you out there please stay safe. I am a better listener than i am at helping myself. Feel free to im me anytime.
