Letter to my psychologist, advice needed please. *Updated post 5 - it didn't go well*
I know that i already have a thread in the SI forum but i am really struggling right now on a lot of levels and was just wondering if i could get some feedback.
Basically on Monday i have to go see my psychologist. I was meant to phone for an appointment but instead i told him that i didn't want to keep going to sessions with him, i tried to explain but he wasn't accepting it and basically now i have to go in to discuss it face to face because he's worried about 'where behaviours will go' if i stop seeing him. So i wrote a letter, just to get it all out of me. No one was meant to see the letter, but i'm posting it here to get some honest feedback - do you think it would be benificial to print it off and give it to him? I find it very hard to articulate myself face to face, and i know i wont be as honest as i am in the letter if its just me and him trying to talk about it in a room, then again i think theres probably things in there that i don't want him knowing... I'm just so confused about it all. And i guess i'm scared too, i don't want him to read the letter and decide that i have to keep seeing him or see him more or decide that i'm a danger to myself or anything, because really i'm fine...
Anyway, here's the letter, i really would appreciate your views, please be honest.
You asked me to come in so that we could talk about me not wanting to carry on seeing you, i tried to give reasons on the phone but i dont think they came across clearly; and that's not because i hadnt thought about reasons, it's because there are so many reasons on so many levels that i didn't know where to start and i didn't know how you would take them.
I didn't keep the diary that you asked me to over the break, i couldn't. At first i was too busy and stressed out with the exams, then it was christmas and then it was that lull where i was alone and just did whatever i needed to and writing an objective diary just did not fit into that at all. Now i sit down to try and write it and i just can't, not objectively, it's my life - that's why i can't be objective. I don't want to be objective, i want to feel, that's why i do all this stuff.
I realised something when i was down here in my flat alone for the week after christmas. I realised that i'm ok, that it's ok to do these things, that i don't need to talk and that actually if i am left alone to cope in my own way i do just that, and the world doesn't end, it's fine.
I thought when i first came to you for help that i was ready for it, but now i see more clearly than ever that i am not at all, i never was, i was just kidding myself, doing the 'right thing' and trying to stop it before it actually went anywhere. But now it has gone somewhere, now it serves a purpose again, stronger than before, and i am ok with that. I am scared saying this to you because it almost feels like dissent - and because that comment about involving my parents because of your 'duty of care' still haunts me everyday - but i need to say it anyway: i don't want to change. I am not ready to change. I am fine with this, in fact i want it, i need it.
I feel like the only way for me to be able to walk away from you is to tell you that i am fine and that i have no plans to do anything to hurt myself ever again, but that is a lie (something i can admit being as i know you will never read this). I will hurt myself again, i will probably need to go to A&E again at somepoint in the not too distant future, i will still purge and i will still have these thoughts of darkness every waking day, but that is ok. I know now that i need to hit rock bottom before i can come back from there. I don't know how far rock bottom is and i don't know how much it's going to break me when i get there, but i know that there is no point in seeing you, in half heartedly putting energy into something that isn't going to work.
I wish i had the guts to be completley honest with you, to tell you everything, all my thoughts - then maybe things would be different, but i don't and i don't think i ever will be able to because of all these rules and restrictions, because of where i might end up if i tell you the complete truth.
I can't let this go, im not ready yet, so instead i'm letting go of you in the hopes that the rock bottom that i so need will come sooner rather than later, because until then i just keep falling.
Last edited by Susu. : 31-01-2011 at 09:00 PM.
Reason: Grammar!
I am glad you have posted this here, and have been able to share these thoughts and feelings with someone, somewhere. I hope you are able to show it to the Psych. I think it is somthing they need to read and take on board.
You say in your letter that you do not want to stop your current actions - I assume these to be self harm and purging, from the contents of the letter alone - and I wonder if it is that you fear how you may cope with life should you no longer partake in them.
You say you need to hit rock bottom before you can improve and get better - and I wonder if you can not decide that this, now, is low enough and look to work towards getting up and out again?
If you do stop seeing the psych, and you do continue falling, how will you know when you have hit a point that is low enough? Who will be there to help you back up and to prevent you doing un-doable harm to yourself? Would you be able to reach out for help then, any more than you are able to now?
I know this may seem harsh, but I get the impression you are scared of letting the psych in. That there is more to how you are feeling and what you are doing than what is here in the letter - and that the thought of telling someone else that is terrifying - you would rather continue as you are, in the hope that somehow your own being will one day realise enough is enough.
The truth is, that is not likely to happen. You do need help, as you are struggling, and it is okay to struggle, but it is not fair to try to struggle alone. That is part of why I am glad you have posted this here - as it is reaching out. It is the side of you that wants to get better, that wants to not need to purge or si in order to cope with the days and the nights. That is a side of you I hope you can cling on to. Grab hold of it with both hands and hug it tight, as it will help you to reach out and ask for help and support in taking the steps you need to find better ways to cope with the world as it is.
Do please be gentle with yourself and do not give in. Do not resign yourself to a fate that need not happen. I am not saying it is easy to make changes. I am saying that changes are necessary, and that noone should go through them alone.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
Thank you for your kind response, you seem to be very astute and perceptive in reading between the lines, it worries me that perhaps my psychologist will be also!
As the meeting looms over my head tomorrow i'm thinking about the points you brought up and i think the best way to address them is in the order you said them which may cause my response to be a little disjointed, but truthful all the same.
I went through counselling, medication etc before and stopped these behaviours, i think that is a big part of the reason i do not want to stop them this time. Perhaps i do wonder how i will cope if i stop them, but that is not the only reason i don't want to give them up, they make me feel safe as ironic as that sounds. They are a place i know well and am comfortable in, they are also me, i dont know who i would be without them... i obviously am someone without them because i did give them up before but the person i was after giving them up seems almost 'less real' than the person i am now, i look back to see that really i was just faking it the whole time.
I honestly don't know when or how i will know that i've hit a low enough point... I don't know who'll be there to pick me up and i don't know who will stop me from doing un-doable harm... is it so wrong that i'm ok with that? I'm just tired of fighting, tired of caring, tired of pretending to be ok around people. There will be someone, something will stop me and i will know somehow, i'm just not sure how. I know that that doesn't make sense but i have to believe it because if i don't, then where does that leave me?
I am scared of letting my psych in, the thought of telling someone else is terrifying and there probably are things that i won't admit to anyone, but can you blame me? This world is messed up, the system is messed up, how can i be expected to be honest with the people i'm meant to be honest with when there are all these restrictions in place? Yes i know they're there for a reason, but that very reason is why i can't or won't say any of it. If i could without fear of the consequences then it might be different, but thats never going to be the case.
It's been years, i think i will always be like this to some extent... You'e right, changes aren't easy, and perhaps i am resigning myself to a fate, but at least if i do that then i know where i stand.
Thankyou again for taking the time to reply... As it stands i don't think i'm strong enough to give this letter to my psych tomorrow, but until i walk out of his door and away from him anything is possible.
Good luck with whatever decision you make tomorrow. I know it's not easy. I know what you mean about not being ready to stop your behaviours yet - I've had it where if I choose to start to get better, I then won't be able to kill myself and the thought of that is so scary that I'd rather stay as I am then risk 'getting better' and keep going into and out of depression.
I do the same as you, I push everyone away and then when I need help I have no-one to turn to which hurts a lot and is scary. And being as you are now is strangely safer then 'coming back to reality' as where you are ppl probably know you're ill, you know you can't do much and you know where you stand and what mood you're going to be in. Getting better means having to deal with the world, get a job, pretend to be with it. *sigh*
I'm angry. I tried saying all this to him, i tried, but he was never going to accept it, he was never really going to listen, he never really had any intention of letting me walk away, and now i have another appointment to see him next week.
I feel manipulated. I feel like everything i said he twisted to suit his own intentions.
I just want to be left alone to fall apart and he won't let me. He told me i'd been writing crap poetry again when i said that.
I hate this, i hate him, i hate how this makes me feel.
If i dont see anyone and talk about anything then i am ok and i can fall apart in private without anyone ridiculing me for doing so.
Why is that so wrong.
Why couldn't i tell him where to shove his therapy.
Why wont he let me go.
Why cant i do this???
I'm fine, i'm coping, i coped last semester, went to lectures, wrote my essays. According to him i am not coping and i did not cope. He lies. Stupid twisted lies to justify me having to talk to him. I am coping. I am not a social recluse, i do see my friends (admittedly i lie to them, but i do see them).
I hate this, i hate him.
I want to fall apart.
I need to do this to myself.
I can't do that with him watching.
I'm so pathetic that i can't even get rid of my own psychologist.
I am angry and i am upset and i can't take it out on him so i take it out on myself. Seeing him has already made things worse, why cant he see that?
Do you need him to approve of you leaving therapy with him? You have a right to change therapists or even leave therapy if you feel your therapist is not helping.
But before you make that decision, please try looking at it objectively. Perhaps he is not trying to manipulate you, maybe you are just not in the right frame of mind to clearly hear what he is trying to tell you. Our emotions can make us interpret things in different ways.
I don't think he'd be making stuff up just to get you to stay and talk to him. He must have some level of investment in your care and treatment, otherwise he could easily just let you go and move on to his next client.
Just wanted to say, I know the feelings you describe in the letter. Whatever decision you make is OK, remember that it IS your decision, your right not to see him. But also remember... rock bottom isn't always as clear cut as you might expect it to be. How will you realy know when you reach it? How do you know when it gets to that point, that you will still be the one in control of the decisions taken? Right now, however hard things are, they are your choices to make... and that is important to remember. If your choices don't include your psych, that is fine- why not try and work through a back-up plan? Take it to him and he will be able to see that you are responsible, you have thought this through, you are clearly intelligent and able to make decisions that may not involve him, but are not unconsidered either.
It was brave of you to post that letter here, and to try and talk through it with him.
The problem is, that if he allows you to leave therapy while you are clearly showing signs of being at risk to yourself, your therapist would be negligent. It is the primary aim of a therapist to help you, not manipulate you. I think, although it is hard to take, and I understand that, you do need to remember that your therapist is trying to help you. They want to help you not need to si, or purge, or partake in self destructive activities and that is the basis that they begun to meet with you.
I know this may be the opposite of how you want things to be right now, so I wonder if you can reach a compromise. To look, in therapy, for a way that you can find to feel you need to do these actions less, rather than not at all. Or, to not work on those things at all, but to look at some of the emotions behind them and some of the other component parts to how you are day to day.
If you really do not want to continue with the therapy, then do explain that to them. Just be aware that they have a duty of care to you, which means they want to ensure you are safe.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I was able to discuss this face to face with a friend earlier, she also asked me to try and be objective about it, the thing is i just can't be. I can't see any way that continuing seeing him is benificial to me. It feels like i go there, get given a really hard time for what i say and the way i see things and leave feeling even worse.
I have been thinking about what yous have said about going there with a different view, just talking and not trying to change behaviours, but even that terrifies me. I'm not ready to face up to things, i know very well that i am running away instead of facing things but right now that's all i feel i can do. I thought when i was honest with him and said that i wasn;t ready to change that he'd understand that theres no point in trying until then...
Someone asked do i need his say so to leave? I'm not sure, i went voulentarily at first but things progressed since then and i think he would pass me on to someone else or inform parents or something if i just stopped going. I really don't want to see him again but i am genuinely scared who he might feel the need to tell if i don't. It's such a messy situation! Plus i live on campus at Uni so the health centre and doctor i use are here (its the only place i can afford to see the doctor). I only use them in crisis times but i know that if i stop seeing him and turn up there needing medical attention he will be informed and will either inform someone else or intervene.
Why does no one get that i just need to be left alone, that i need to do this. I'm not getting worse, i just don't want to get better and face things right now, neither do i want to have to worry about what might happen if i need medical help and stuff. I just want it all to go away. I wish i'd never spoken to him and i'm angry that i did. I'm angry that people think i'm worse than i am. This whole situation has me confused and upset.
I am ok, why does no one believe me. I am not as bad as he is making me out to be. I am in control.
Legally if i just refuse to see him again can he really contact my parents? I'm 19 ffs.
