After I went to the dr the other day I was very mad. Anger got me mentally in a better place before. Not the kind you want to hurt some one but the kind that makes you want to show them your more than what they think. I did what my therapist warned me not to do. I came home swearing I was going to do this and that. All positive things to get myself better and to show people they underestimate me. I piled positive goals so high the ceiling couldn't contain them. Here I am today and I'm feeling really bad. I'm hiding in my room hoping the world can't get in but the real problem is what goes on in my head and heart. No door can block its passage. I relapsed today. I realize it hadn't been very long since stopping but I was determined to put a stop to it. Now not only have I let my demons in my head defeat me but I have let myself down. Think positive I know. One goal at a time. This I know. Many of years my therapist have told me I had to stop asking why because it would only drive me insane. I would never get the answers to why. I am in such emotional turmoil and angry. I have therapy monday and I was hoping I could suprise my therapist. I can't do that now. I hate this and I don't understand I do but I don't understand why I let harming control me. I've tried every coping mechanism there is and I promise that is the truth. Even DBT didn't work for me. Sure I've read all the books giving you the whys. I don't need a book to tell me why. I need to get myself to tell me I don't need to. I won't stop with my goal to put an end to it. There are so many bad things to self harming. My heart and mind so want to beat this. It use to be about triggers for me. Now I don't know if it is just about that anymore. Sometimes it isn't a clear thought or thoughts but frustration and mental pain that sets me off. I've got a great therapist. I've only been seeing her for the last three weeks. My last therapist I saw for many years but because I became physically ill and had to cancel appts so much she closed my case. I am blessed that I have found a therapist I can connect with now. Thru chaos comes clarity thru clarity comes strength thru strength comes knowledge thru knowledge comes power thru power dreams are possible but if you have no faith in yourself you have nothing. My recent revelation.
