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The call of Sweet Temptation
I'm about 2 seconds away from giving in, there really is no point in prolonging the inevitable...Once a cutter always a cutter. I'm at the absolute lowest place imaginable at the moment, I thought I'd made a few new friends in college but now I think they're just using me for my study guides/flash cards/powerpoints/projects/etc...
One of them texts me on a pretty regular basis and she's really sweet, she has 2 beautiful daughters and we went to lunch everyday last semester. Why do I feel this need to have friends? All they do is use me and hurt me, never fails. In fact, if I wasn't in public I'd be calling the crisis line at the moment. When I get home I plan to harm, 5 months free and I can't stand it anymore. My arms and legs itch and burn I feel like I'm on fire, and yet I'm absolutely numb with pain. The following may be melodramatic but I gotta get it out:
I feel like me and that blade are engaged in sweet romance, it's a forbidden love and we both know it but can't stop ourselves. I have this urgent need to punish myself for messing up another friendship. Michelle said something in the bookstore at the uni yesterday, we spoke at the same time and I jokingly said," See we got the sister thing going on," and she was like "no we don't, I haven't known you nearly long enough for that."
Wow...
Then her next facebook status was this
"How do you tell someone nicely that you don't really like them or want to be real friends with them because you hate how they act towards other people? Ijdk what to do, hmmmmm..."
That was probably about me, as of this moment I'm sitting alone in a classroom waiting for my instructor to come start class. I asked Michelle if she wanted to go grab lunch with me and she said she was going to work on homework. I come back to sit with her after I eat and she's gone...
I wish I had the balls to go to my car and get my razors,
I can picture myself putting the key in the door,
opening it,
feeling the cold metal in my wallet,
grabbing it and putting it in my bra,
walking back into the school,
maybe even smiling at someone,
then going into the vacant faculty bathroom,
and punishing myself for being me,
for chasing off all my friends,
for being ugly to people and not noticing,
smiling for real as the blood runs down my leg into the toilet,
hearing the satisfying *plink plink* of it on the water,
People tell you "good morning, how are you?" and keep walking...
They don't care how you are...they just wanna hear you say fine...
What would happen if I said I was broken?
Would they care?
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