Am I being unfair?

[~phoenix~]

I've been invited to stay with the ex's parents for a few days in April, so they can see Darrell. I've accepted, as he has a good bond with them, and I feel it'd be healthy for him to keep up his relationship with his family. However, despite knowing for 3 weeks so far that we're going to be visiting, the ex has made no comment about it. Is it unreasonable of me to say if he wants to see Daz that HE has to be the one that phones me to ask? He puts so little effort in where Daz is concerned, but is continually using the "I don't get to see my son" sob story everytime he ends up dating, yet he makes no effort to ask me if he can see him, has never been to a solicitor to discuss access, nor does he pay anything towards his son, bar £20 for each christmas and birthday. So, is it unfair of me to expect him to be the one to put the effort in?

[Laura2.0]

Hi Phoenix,
Maybe you cold talk with your ex and make something like a schedule/plan when he can pick up Darrell to do something.

My parents are divorced and I remember that we had the same problem basically. My dad was always complaining that he didn't get to see us. Eventually my parents made this schedul kind of thing where we went to our dad for one weekend every month.
One weekend a month is not a lot, but my dad could decide which weekend so he couldn't say that he has other plans.

You could also send him an email and tell him that you are going to visit his parents for 3 weeks and that he can call you if he wants to see Darrell.

Hope this helps,
Laura

[~phoenix~]

Laura, in the 2 years since I split from him, he hasn't seen Darrell once. I offered him the chance, but he turned it down on the basis that he couldn't afford it, and again on the basis that he claimed learning I was seeing someone else had made him suicidal. I wouldn't have him uunsupervised with Daz as a) Daz wouldn't know him from Adam and b) he made several threats around the time I left him which still play on my mind a lot. He KNOWS I'm visiting, yet I just feel it's time he put the effort in himself, rather than everyone else running around after him.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'm just stuck as to whether to trust him not to let our son down if I make the first move re. contact. He doesn't even speak to him on the phoneDaz could be sat next to him, and he woulkdn't know who he was

[Lou Lou]

urg I get how you feel! My son's Dad is a bit of a deadbeat as well.

You are certianly not being unreasonable in expecting your ex to make some sort of effort to see his son! Trouble is (as I have found first hand) you simply cannot force someone to see their children. If they won't make the effort then they won't make the effort. Heartbreaking though it is to think anyone could have that attitude towards their child!

I think perhaps you should just text him/e-mail him to let him know you are going to be there. Then the ball is in his court.
He may well be a let down, it might be disappointing for your son. But I think he needs to have the option...and your son needs to know you tried. At least for his benefit.

I don't know how old your son is so I don't know how much he is aware of or if his fathers' lack of presence would really effect him (I'm guessing not since he wouldn't recognise him stood right infront of him). But you can look him in the eye and honestly say you gave his dad every opportunity. And you can hold your head up high when he says "I don't get to see my kid" knowing (both you and your son) that it was nothing you did to prevent that.

I don't know if that's the sort of response you were after but I totally feel for you and your son. I know how it feels to raise a child with a deadbeat for a dad, how difficult it is to know what's best and what would be more detrimental to the child. Anyways, good luck with it!
And as an aside I tihnk it's really nice you have a positive relationship with the ex's parents :)

[Laura2.0]

wow phoenix.
Sounds like a real deadbeat. Anyway... I didnt meant that your son spends a whole weekend with his dad. Just that maybe you could suggest getting into a routine.

I'm sorry if I didn't express myself clearly.

[hannahs04]

I expect my ex to be the one to make the effort, I did in the beginning and it got none of us anywhere but in a bigger hole then what we were originally. It is not being unfair to expect that of him. If he really wants to be apart of his son's life then he will, If not then I guess thats his loss...but thats just my opinion.

[Rubik'sCube]

If he does bring up the excuse of you never having given him the opportunity to see Darrell then possibly highlight to him the efforts of his own parents (I assume they invited you with the wish of wanting to see their grandson?) and the way in which they have gone about seeing him. Perhaps he could take this on board, they really want to see Darrell, they go about it in such a way that they get to see him.

Perhaps your ex is waiting for the actual visit itself to have the opportunity to make the effort and is currently deciding on the best way to go about things. Don't build hope up in your mind though, you know him best and what he is like. Perhaps don't tell your son the full nature of the situation (is he two years old or am I confusing that with the split?). As your son doesn't know who he is, maybe just focus on the positives of going to see his grandparents (if he knows them as that?) or 'friends' and not mention the possibility of seeing his Dad, that way you are not building his hopes up and do not have to fear letting him down (you personally wouldn't be as you are the one there for him, it wouldn't be your fault, the actions of your ex are beyond your control)

It is not unfair of you to expect him to put the effort in, sounds like you have and are trying your best, with your son being the main priority behind your concern/actions. Hope the visit to see the parents is a nice one and the issue with your ex can stay somewhat separate so that Darrell just gets the positive aspect of the picture

[Delicate Faerie]

Wow... Pheonix... as in Kim? long time no speak, and congratulations! I never knew u had a son! It seems like you're making all the effort which is unfair - he should want to see his son without u making any effort. So it's not unfair that u should want this from him. If i was you I'd raise a conversation about it, and see how he reacts and then you might see a change in him? Hope all is well lady! nice to see you around... or maybe i haven't seen you bcause i haven't been here? none-the-less - hey! :) x

[~phoenix~]

Hey Lex! How are you keeping?

I STILL haven't heard from him. I did consider phoning him earlier, but then found out just how much debt he's left me in. After clearing £400 of it, I'm not in the mood to talk to him.
Rubik's, I am playing this as a trip to see "Nanny and Grandad", which he's excited about. I guess we're both better off without his dad. Even Mum pointed out I have so much pent upp frustration over the **** that went on, maybe it's better not to risk seeing him. From the sounds of things, she doesn't even want me going to Birmingham, but still...

[Mandimoo]

hey hun whether you need it or not, he should contribute financially towards Darrell's upbringing, have you contacted the CSA? sometimes paying towards a child is enough to make them want to see the child - watch their investment grow? its sad that he doesn't want to see him - his loss eh? more cuddles for you!

[~phoenix~]

He phoned, after I accidentally sent him a message meant for someone else. Claimed he hadn't had credit. He didn't ask if he could see Darrell, he assumed he would be. The thought of it is scaring me a bit. I'll be honest. But at least he's making some remblence of an effort. At last.

[Mandimoo]

if you don't want him to see your son, put him straight. tell him he has until a week before your trip to pay x amount of child maintainence or he can't see darrell.