story of my life...

debra5992 · 28-01-2011, 05:46 AM

I want to cut, because of the way I feel. I want to cut to punish myself for being a fat, insecure, stupid girl. I hate my fat disgusting self. I hate my teeth. I hate my chubby fingers and my fat feet. I hate the way I stiffen up when passing by people afraid of their thoughts towards me. I hate how there is nothing to do at this huge boring university and that I picked this school instead of a school closer to home. I miss home...
Right now I have cuts healing from 3 nights ago. The more days that pass by the worse it's going to get because once theses cuts start to really fade I know I'm going to make more. And I know months from now when the sun starts to really shine and the snow stops coming I'm going to look back and regret how stupid and selfish I was back then. Not thinking about the people around me only about myself.
But cutting is the only thing I have control over. I can control how hard I press down or how many slashes I make. I can control when I do it. I can control where I do it. I know that it gives me a sense of security, that when times get tough I can rely on the one thing that doesn't make me feel happy but makes me feel okay again.
I dont know what kind of advice I'm looking for, maybe just someone who understands. But it's hard to find someone who understands me when I don't even understand myself.
And that's the worst of all this. I can deal with the fact that I cut and that I know it's bad for me. But I don't understand me. I've grown into this whole different person, and I don't know why or when. If I had to see myself from my friends point of view I would wonder why I cut and what goes through my mind to make me cut. The answer: simple, I don't like myself. So why go through more pain and hurt yourself? The answer: complicated, I'm still trying to figure that out myself.
So if you've read this far, thanks. I'd appreciate some comments but I'd understand if you didn't because you're confused. As am I. Story of my life.

PassedExpectations · 28-01-2011, 03:08 PM

i think that alot of people are confused about their life, to varying degrees. it doesn't make it easier to cope with, but it does mean that you aren't alone and that there are people who understand what you're feeling, even if they cant explain what it is or means exactly. and often that the more important thing to know that someone understands.

why do you think that cutting is the only thing that you have control over? i'm sure that there are more if you take the time to look closer at things. you can control how you react to situations. you can control what activities you do, whether you go out with friends or stay home and watch a movie. you can control what you listen to. you can control whether you take care of yourself despite how you feel........

learning to value yourself isnt easy, it takes time. but to do it, you need to go through the motions of taking care of yourself and changing your self talk so that its more positive. at first it feels like a charade, but after a bit it becomes natural and real.