I feel like lately I've been moving backwards as far as recovery is concerned.
Here's a summary of the past few months (briefly): In November I started seeing a therapist after checking myself in for emergency counseling at my university. December I got in to see the university's psychiatrist, who prescribed me antidepressant medication. I failed all but one of my classes because I could not function because of the depression and impulses to injure myself. I almost made it through January without harming. I made it to today, the 27th. After a long winter break (I've had 2 weeks of classes after being off since December 3rd), I was feeling pretty good. I saw both my therapist and psychiatrist on Monday. I wore my happy face and they both told me how pleased they are with my progress. The therapist said we didn't need to meet anymore. Okay.
I was optimistic on Monday that I was getting better, and by Tuesday I felt like garbage again. I feel like I'm sliding backwards into the me that was freaked out by her own impulses to injure. Today I cut. It was the first time all month. After I cut I felt relieved like I always have. But I was also deeply ashamed. I was ashamed because both the psychiatrist and therapist were pleased that I'd gone all month without injuring. I've been trying so hard. It's exhausting to have to try this hard just to be level, not even happy. Where I was sleeping soundly last week, I'm back to my cruddy sleeping habits and insomnia again. I feel like I'm a walking zombie sometimes. And people who were a little freaked out by my behavior last semester seem happy to see me as "happy" as I am now. I'm not really happy. I just force myself to talk to people, to not mope around the house, to seem excited just so people won't worry about me. I don't want to be where I was in November, but I can't help but feeling that I am going there rapidly.
I finally took my razor out of my wallet. It was like a safety blanket. I've only used it one time in the long while I've been carrying it, but knowing it was there, knowing that I could use it and feel better, was a comfort. Now I'm shaky when I'm out without it. I don't want to resort to carrying it around again, but it is so tempting.
So, I guess what I'm looking for in this post is a little bit of support. Why am I reverting back? Was my week-long lack of depression a fluke because of all the relaxing I got to do over break? How am I supposed to move forward?
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."-Dr. Seuss
I'm new to this website and all, but I can understand your situation... I'm a freshman in college right now, and I've been dealing with SI for four years now...
I've had a lot of ups and downs over the years... especially recently when I went back to cutting myself after six months, three weeks, and two days of being "clean"... But I've tried to stop again... its been three days... it's a start...
I can't say for certain wheter you, or me, or anybody else that has problems with SI will ever be able to truely get rid of what makes us do it... we certainly can't get rid of the scars... emotional or physical...
All we can do is try to stay positive, and hope that we'll have the strength to defy ourselves when we're weak...
depression and emotions in general go up and down... having one good week doesn't necessarily mean that things will stay that way. to really say that you're feeling better overall, you have to keep note of how you're feeling over a few weeks, because every day and week there are going to be ups and downs....
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
no, thats not what i meant....... i meant that recovery is a process and on your way theres going to be days where its better and days where its not. but you're not going backwards if the general trend is that things are getting better. you'll hit low spots, but the dip will end and things will be positive again
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
