Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: California
I am currently:  
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Facet, Sketchy.. Thank you for your replies... I'm sorry, I probably shouldnt have posted that last night, I didn't know what to do with myself.
Here's what going on. My aunt had an MRI earlier this month because of weird neurological problems. Results?
My aunt's spinal cord is so compressed by the vertebrae in her neck that it is damaging it... it's literally getting smaller in that area. He tested her reflexes, and on the left side of her body she has very little, if ANY. He is going to perform surgery next Tuesday, Feb 1st to replace 2 of her disks with cadaver bone, and put in a titanium plate so that 3 of her neck vertebrae fuse together. Artificial disk replacement is more risky, and doesn't have the greatest chance of success, according to the doctor. Doing all this will take pressure off the spinal cord and keep it in the column it's supposed to be...?
He couldnt say that the damage that's already been done will reverse, but he said he has seen it happen in some patients.... that this is a preventative surgery to prevent further damage, and it needed to be done ASAP because it's to the point of being extremely dangerous. She got his next open appointment.
There's a cyst in her lower back that is pressing on her spinal cord, but it's not putting her in as much danger as her neck issue. He said that that will have to be discussed after her neck surgery and recovery.
The doctor isnt a brain specialist, but we had him look at the scans anyway and pried information out of him.
She has a brain tumor in the tissues surrounding her brain. It's quite large... for a brain tumor. However, it looks as though it isn't cancerous, but the doctor couldn't say for certain... and it definitely needs to be investigated further. The day before her surgery she is scheduled to meet with a neurosurgeon that the spinal surgeon referred her to. No matter what happens with the brain tumor, the spinal surgery will be happening first.
I'm back at home now until Saturday when I move back in with my aunt while she needs me. I won't have much access to ANY support after that.
I am encouraged and thankful that the doctor that will be performing the surgery is so experienced, knowledgeable, and kind. He has never lost a patient and claims this surgery is routine for him. Also, I am thankful that the brain tumor is most likely benign, and that the spinal doctor has so much faith in the neurosurgeon. I came right out and asked him which doctor he preferred when facing this problem...
But I'm still absolutely terrified and not up to dealing with this AT ALL. I'm usually so good at being the rock, encouragement, nurse, and the listener, but now I feel so... incapable, unprepared, instead of making my aunt feel better last time I made her cry. I don't even remember what I did. But I know that without help I won't be able to handle this for longer than a couple weeks. I find myself praying for not only her to get through surgery and recover successfully, but for my own strength. All I've felt like i can do lately is 1) be anxious and 2) stay in bed. That's not going to help someone facing health issues so big. I fear I will be a failure, and let everyone down. I feel guilty about having a hard time when it is my aunt going through such a health crisis, not me. My cousin, my aunts daughter, will be going on a cruise soon after her mom has surgery.... HUH!?
I shouldnt be the one having suicidal thoughts, I'm not the one having surgery. Makes me feel so.. wrong. Bad. I find myself self-harming more.... to admit that HURTS me more than I hurt me.... I just want to stay in bed. I feel absolutely defeated. Too many things going around in my head I cant keep them straight or get them to shut up. I really want a therapist again. Only this time, I'd be honest about everything. Why do I have to feel this way when I have responsibility to take care of someone? Its my fault. Great timing.
Theres no way of finding myself help right now when i have a responsibility to look after my aunt... also, theres a money issue. I live with my dad because I'm unemployed... and have been for a while now, no one wants ME. Dad and I were talking yesterday, if things dont change soon he's not going to be able to make the house payment anymore........god, and theres just so many little problems/worries/thoughts... I just can't do this. I guess the only "good" thing (for everyone else) is I wont be acting on my suicidal thoughts right now, i have to help my aunt. Theyre just there. Taunting me... cant say the same about hurting myself though...
The reason I find myself freaking out about taking care of my aunt is.....
1) I lost my mom to cancer 3 years ago. I was 19. I watched her die, eventually of something going wrong in her brain...So many hospitals, doctors... and then she was sent home... to die. She was bedridden, lost all her faculties, and forgot who I was, and then she died with me there. I was never able to say anything meaningful before she went. I looked after her. I quit school, didn't get a job, I looked after her, for years I did nothing but be there for her. My life centered around her getting better. Playing nurse for someone is extremely triggering for me... even if they're not dying.
2) I will be the only one there that will actually help her, and I don't even drive or have a way to get around! Her husband drinks, alot, and smokes pot, a lot, and from what I can see has severe untreated mental illness and he is an independent contractor that works primarily out of town, they have little money, and if he doesnt work, they have none... so he can't look after her..
Her daughter has fallen into drugs and alcohol after a tragic event.. and she has 2 kids... she has a hard enough time caring for them..... so she's out...
Any other family want little to do with my aunt..... that's a long story..... so there's me..........I recently lived with her for over 6 months, becasue she wanted me around... and part of the time i looked took care of her after he hernia surgery and a bought with bedridden sciatica (no wonder...)...during which time....
3) I was treated HORRIBLY. As heartless as it is to say... she is awful to care for, ungrateful in every way... and that wears on you... to be beaten down while trying to help someone in every humanly way possible, not wanting to sleep in case they need something, being told that EVERYTHING you do is wrong, and their whole world is going to hell because only she can do everything right, and not RUSHING fast enough to the calls for help, to be told only that they need the channel changed, and to just... sit... in terror... of every next second...praying that HE doesnt come home drunk with another injury where you plead with him to call a doctor, or go to the ER or..he isnt in the kitchen smashing things that you have to clean up as soon as he leaves..... spending 4 hours straight trying to convince their teenager not to do the impossibly heartbreaking things you know she is, but you cant tell anyone... all the while running back and forth for every need imaginable....this is all previous experience..not to mention ALL the chores, cooking without really knowing what im doing.. then have no one eat it!! , running the house... im barely able to care for my own... I can't do it again... but... I have no choice... and she is, in some ways, all i have left.. (dad not included).... she is my aunt... I have always been closest to her relative wise... and i will do my best to help get her better...
I feel awful feeling this way. I'm such a bad person. I am fighting hard not to take a stockpile of pills I have...even if it didnt kill me at least i could numb out for a while... i dont care.... or cut. That's my vent. Sorry so long...
Thanks for listening,
Lilac
Last edited by LilacSky : 28-01-2011 at 11:13 AM.
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My life is so complicated. I dont know if I should post or not.
