doctor appointment today

Pennacious · 25-01-2011, 06:26 AM

i went to my doctor today and got some pretty scary news. i have a lot of liquid build up surrounding my heart, and now she has ordered a bunch of tests to figure out what exactly is going on with me.
i also found out that i have a pretty bad ear infection...

anyways, the point to this post (other than being scared s***less) is the fact that while at this appointment i had to have my annual physical that included the works being checked out. anyways, while getting the physical i had a real bad flashback and panic attack. i pretty much freaked out in front of my doctor. the thing is, i have never really told my doctor about the rape that happened almost five years ago...i just freak out and panic while laying there with my legs spread...
anyways the thing is that i ended up cutting a bunch today. i tried so hard to fight the urges, but they just would not go away so i gave in...a lot...
i wish that i had not done it and yet i still want to do some more damage...i want the dirtiness to go away. i want the scum to be scraped clean away from me.

sorry, i really do not know why i am even posting tonight. i just know that i could really use some support...still really struggling at the moment...

lilmissjay · 25-01-2011, 06:47 AM

Hey! I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment. You shouldn't beat yourself up about cutting today. I mean, it isn't the right thing to do, but it's in the past now and all you really can do is just move forward and try your best not to cut again. Does anyone know about you being raped? Are you getting any professional help or support from the people around you for the cutting and flashbacks? If you aren't, then I really do think you should look into it so that you can get past this and get better. I hope you start feeling better soon and if you ever want to talk you can always PM me anytime. Take care and stay safe. :)

Pennacious · 25-01-2011, 10:06 PM

i cannot get the stupid tests out of my mind. i keep worrying and freaking myself out that things are going to get really bad soon. i am so afraid that something is seriously wrong with me.
i went on webmd last night and looked up my symptoms. what i read from that really freaked me out. i know i should not have looked them up but i thought if i knew more information on what was going on with me i would feel more eased about it, but it only made things worse. i know that i am not a doctor, and looking things up on the internet is not a way to diagnose problems, but i am still anxious for next monday and the battery of tests that i have to go through.

i met with my therapist today, and i told her about my cutting episode yesterday and how triggered i was because of the annual physical. i did more crying in her office than i did talking, and again i was hoping that it would make things better but i only feel worse. i am having strong urges to hurt myself again.
argh i just do not know what i can do to make things better. they only seem to be getting worse.

PassedExpectations · 25-01-2011, 11:48 PM

monday will come when it comes. and whatever the tests show isn't going to change by you worrying yourself over them. sites on the internet almost always give the worst case, and neglect to talk about all the littler less serious things that it could be.

maybe you can have your therapist send your doctor a fax or email explaining the situation so that they are aware in the future and can help you through it........