Since my gfs mother assaulted me things have gotten really bad. I told my gf I don't want to press charges just an order of protection. She says no. Without her it is just me and the nurse with no guarantee I will get it. I've tried pretending I could let this go. Just looking at my gf makes my heart hurt. I was victimized by mother and father. Then from ex for many years. I ran as far as I could and didn't look back. I spent years in therapy becoming a strong woman. Things over this last year I have allowed to take pieces of what I worked so hard for. Her mom assaulting me and her refusal to make me feel safe and not like a victim again are too much. After a few years harm free a couple of weeks ago I started again. I've said in here before I dont want to do it and that is true. The pain the emotional turmoil just becomes too much. It really hurts my gf sees where I've started harming again and doesn't care she could help put me on the path to stopping again. Tonight I was on the back steps smoking and I over heard her and her sister talking about the event like it was a big joke. They were safe. They didn't get abused. They didn't have to call 911 to have a officer to check out the house before they came in. I did after coming home from the hospital three times and only my room being destroyed. I recieved a letter from the sherrifs office and victims rights. The letter said they were concerned for my safety and all the things they could do to help me. My gfs friend also told me I could come stay with her. I've been kidding myself holding out hope she would get it and make right right. Her excuse tonight is her mom might die and maybe her brother would take off leaving her mom alone. What about me? Where do I fit in? How can you claim to love me if you fail to try to protect me? The days of trying to get her to come around must come to a end and only I can do that. This is going to be so hard. I have been with her a long time. I realize if I keep going by my heart there will be nothing left of me. I don't want to shut the door and harm anymore. I want to feel alive again.
