Contains Suicide - Seriously???

pea soup · 23-01-2011, 05:24 AM

im there yet again...

im in pain, physically and emotionally. im ready to throw in the towel. i dont know whats stopping me now.

ive pretty much decided that god is completely fictional and just a way to make people feel better about themselves because they will be "forgiven". bullshit.

i cant get the docs to listen to me. the ****ing christmas tree is still up...and do you know i just typed christmas without capitalizing the C.....and it gives me the red line because ive mispelled because i didnt capitalize the C which represents christ!!!

i just cant get away from it!!!

my valium will be gone tomorrow. i dont know what will happen then except self destruction. speaking of....the bitch nurse thought it would be a good idea to publicize mt SI tonight....so they sent me home with a self destructive memo, LMFAO!!! she also told me "you need to get help" i responded with "ive been in "help" for 15 years!!"

i hate life..breathing has become a chore...showering is beyond my comprehension...and im sick of it all...

im done.

pea soup · 23-01-2011, 05:52 AM

ok...i cant even post a ****ing video...screw me.

kelly has gone to get me wine. she didnt even argue this time. i feel so sorry for her having to put up with me. i know i shouldnt drink but im going to. i know i shouldnt do alot of things. i sound like a rebellious teenager. im truly pathetic....and while im on the "etic" words...lets include apathetic...

pea soup · 23-01-2011, 06:33 AM

i want to die. i dont know how much longer i can wait.

pea soup · 23-01-2011, 08:08 AM

****ing hell....

facebook was just a complete disaster!! i ask for help and a damn debate starts!!

a gun and ONE bullet.....thats all i want for my birthday....

Casper_Fading · 23-01-2011, 08:15 AM

Rach... stop it. I want you to go back over some of the posts you've written and SEE how far you've come. You're having a bad time right now and it's hard cause when you're in physical pain EVERYTHING becomes that much harder. But I KNOW you can do this. If you don't believe in God that's your choice. i don't believe in God as an excuse to be forgiven bad ****, I just believe cause i do. But that's my choice. If people are trying to shove their beliefs down your throat just smile at them and let a bit of drool hang out the side of your mouth... they'll shut up :P

I love you honey. I have faith in you!

pea soup · 23-01-2011, 08:32 AM

well......

ive drank two big bottles of boon farm and cannot get drunk. the liquor stores were closed so this was all that was available. it sucks. it only makes my stomach burn..so im guzzling pepto bismol to help. i hate this...

i cant say anything much on FB or my son might seen it...however ive said enough on there tonight. he doesnt get on muhc so i doubt he'll see anything.

i cant cry. the alcohol was supposed to help with that...no luck yet. now i just want to go to bed..but im too stubborn...

Casper_Fading · 23-01-2011, 11:57 AM

Shoo!!!! Go to bed! sleep! *shoves you to bed*

Love you :)

pea soup · 23-01-2011, 11:17 PM

ryl just ate my post...

the jist of it was that i do believe in a higher power just not god or jesus.

i did go to bed last with a screaming tummy ache due to boons farm. i never even got drunk which is good.

i wouldnt say i feel better but im alive..

and thank you *anonymous person*. i didnt realize it was you because youre name changed but then i saw something unique and knew it was you :)

ˈsäləˌterē · 23-01-2011, 11:56 PM

Rach, I'm not doing well myself, so I'm in no position to be of any help, but I wanted you to know that here n I care for you!

pea soup · 24-01-2011, 02:28 AM

thank you solo....im sorry youre feeling bad yourself. hope you feel better soon hunni.

ˈsäləˌterē · 24-01-2011, 04:07 AM

Thanks Rach! It's so sweet of you to care about me when you're having such hard time yourself!

Casper_Fading · 24-01-2011, 10:15 AM

*snuggles and licks* I loooooooove you!!!!!!!!!!!

pea soup · 24-01-2011, 04:11 PM

love you too sweetness.
thank you solo..i feel like ive grown to know you a bit here and i think youre awesome :)

ok...i did some really stupid **** last night...not gonna say what but it wasnt SI. anyhow...since christmas and seeing Keith i have been trying so hard to lift myself back up. it isnt working. i need my son. for some reason it hurts more than ever right now. i keep looking at the photos i got of him. he is sooo precious. i cant stop looking at them. i dont think its healthy.

i just want him to walk in the front door. but that isnt going to happen. im sooo glad that he and I are back like we used to be after the catastrophe over the summer. can anyone understand?

it hurts everywhere. its hard now to distinguish between emotional and physical pain now because everything hurts.

i just need my little boy and that isnt going to happen....

ˈsäləˌterē · 24-01-2011, 09:08 PM

~Rach~ You don't know how much that means to me right now! Thank you! I'm so sorry for the pain you're in right now! I'm prayin for you sweetie.

pea soup · 24-01-2011, 10:30 PM

thank you hunni...i will be thinking of you also.

loves.
xxxxx

pea soup · 24-01-2011, 10:34 PM

to make matters worse...i went to the dentist today. i called him for a refill on pain meds but he wanted me to come in to x-ray and check for infection.

i had felt bad all morning but was attributing to lack of sleep, etc....but NO. i have a major infection in my tooth an d jaw. he told me that if goes into my neck i will be on IV.

he gave me 2 antibiotics and pain meds. he also checked my fever and it was 102 F. i feel like ****.

i go next week to have this tooth extracted and to have 2 fillings. i will be so glad when all this is over.

~Grace~ · 24-01-2011, 10:48 PM

aw, thats horrible Rachel..Im so sorry this is happening to you..I hope things improve for you soon hun xx

pea soup · 24-01-2011, 11:07 PM

thank you Rowie bird...

i'll be ok like i always am :)

its you and others that im worried about.

love you.
xxxxxxxx

Pomegranate · 25-01-2011, 12:44 AM

I'm concerned for you as well but then I go and reread some of your truely inspirational and uplifting posts you made in the last couple of months and it reminds me how amazingly strong you are. Obviously I am still concerned but the reminder helps a lot. You are getting there hun.

RE the tooth......I hate teeth. In fact I have quite seriously contemplated trying to remove my infected wisdom tooth today but then realised that would still leave the jaw. What painkillers has he given you out of interest? Are they helping? Idiot Dr (yes...I asked for a dentist and when I got there had been made an appointment with the doctor instead) gave me 500mg Naproxen and told me to keep taking co-codamol which is not helping all that much so if yours are better I would like to know so I can ring up and shout for those instead :P

Thanks hun and sorry for that little detour into self obsession! How is your ankle doing? Are you feeling any better at all than you have been the last few days?

*lots of hugs and love* xxx

pea soup · 26-01-2011, 10:28 PM

thanks rowie and solo, and emma!!!

Emma,
he gave me hydrocodone which i think is equivalent to co-codamol there. its basically a combo of aceitamenophen and codeine. and when the infection is so deep the pain killers barely take the edge off. im so sorry.

please get yourself to a dentist. that infection can spread and make you very very ill.

my social worker came today. he and i were talking and kelly walked into the room and made a remark about how she dreaded going to the docs this afternoon. i exploded.

i told her that i was having time with my SW and if she needed to complain to someone that her SW would be here soon!! it all happened really fast. next thing i know we are both standing up face to face screaming. pure ridiculous.

my SW witnessed all this and helped us calm down. it was so weird thazt i blew up so fast.

everything goes back to Keith. im jealous that she has Kaleb but also very happy. i have Kaleb too. its so hard to explain. i cant even explain it to myself.

i feel terrible. i think my emotional pain is turning into physical pain such as constant headaches.

the pain never stops. its been 9 years!! everyone always says it takes time but they never specify how much....

kelly gets her pain meds today and i hope they will fill them even though its a bit early. my dentist doesnt give me near enough for the pain. they are all gone and now im just eating aspirin.

i want to get in a hot air balloon and fly to where my baby is and land in his front yard :) its always nice to dream.