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I might be slipping back into hold habits
I'm close to two and a half years free of SI, and I've gone even longer without feeling suicidal. But, lately I'm feeling like I might be slipping back. The thing is, I'm transgender. I'm a boy, but my body is female and people socialise with me as if I was a girl. They use my legal name and female pronouns. I understand that, because I haven't actually told anybody. But even if I did, I would still be troubled by it.
I can't get undressed or have a shower without getting a wave of dysphoria over me, and it doesn't feel like it's ever going away. I can't really be without feeling dysphoric it seems. I might have a somewhat masculine face, but my body is nothing but, and it's really hurting me.
If I can't figure out a way to get better, I'll slip back. I'm at a point where I'm actually considering SI again, and suicide as become a way out. I'll think "well, if something goes wrong, I can just end it and it will be fine."
This isn't good. The only thing holding back at this point is the pride of actually managing to get over it, but I'm not sure how long that is going to last. I don't know what to do. It doesn't help that my mother has decided that the trans thing is a phase and I just need to change my mindset. Well, I've tried and it doesn't work that way.
I don't know what to do.
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