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I carved the word "failure" into my thigh last night.
I stayed in my room all day.
Yesterday was long. Yesterday was the day when I figured out that people give up on me. My counsellor basically told me that I could sit around and wallow for a bit, because I'm not motivated. I understand that I want to change, but I lack the motivation to. Until I get some motivation, via desperation or inspiration, she can't really do much for me.
So she told me that all she could do is make sure I don't deteriorate. She's suggested antidepressants.
I have a meeting again with her in a month... because I need to think things over, apparently.
I'm staunchly denying the meds. But she's the 2nd person that knows about JUST how depressed I am, and the 2nd one who gave up on me. That's what it feels like, regardless of what it is. I'm tired of this.
I'm making up my mind..... This is going back to being my little secret. No one ever said that life would be great all the time, but there are some people who have great lives 100% of the time, so there must be people who have crappy lives.
Maybe I'm just not cut out for this :( I am a failure...
Someday, somewhere, somehow, someone will notice I wasn't ok, but; Someday, somewhere, somehow, I will be...
I'll hold onto that hope desperately.
~*Take these cuts and make them shine, Don't wanna be perfect, just alright...*~
"She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time. " - Stephen Chbosky
I don't think your conselor was giving up on you, I think she was making a valid point that until you decide to help yourself and motivate yourself there's nothing she can do because you have to do it yourself, but she can be a support along the way.
Why are you denying meds? Have you been on them before? They can really help when you find the right med or combination of meds, and it's better than being miserable.
No one has a great life 100 percent of the time. Just because you don't see their painful things doesn't mean they don't have any.
I don't think you're a failure, but if you keep telling yourself that you are and keep denying help like meds, the negative cycle is just going to keep repeating.
I'm denying the meds because of bad experiences with them. Also, because no one knows about this other than her and one other person, and if I do take meds, my mum and family will find out, as well as my colleagues (no this is not avoidable).
Also, life gets rougher- and I want to learn to deal with it on my own. :\
I have no idea how to at the moment yet. I think maybe I'm exaggerating everything, and this is how life is sometimes. Maybe longer for me than most other people.
I've bare passed my courses this semester... I actually passed one by 0.2 of a mark. and it's still registered as failed. *sigh* I am a failure, or at least I feel like one.
I'm tired of life being like this, I'm just not sure how to psych myself up to do something about it....
Someday, somewhere, somehow, someone will notice I wasn't ok, but; Someday, somewhere, somehow, I will be...
I'll hold onto that hope desperately.
~*Take these cuts and make them shine, Don't wanna be perfect, just alright...*~
"She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time. " - Stephen Chbosky
Ok, so i think your counselor was pretty right.... you can only wallow for so long, and it is only you who can inspire/motivate yourself to change. A huge part of motivation is your mindset... if you continue to think you are a failure then your actions/your life will reflect this attitude. A past experience that is bad is past.... the meds you took then may not have been right but dont give up completely becasue there is defiantly a medication that can help you. It took doctors 7 years to find the right meds for me... for some of those 7 years i was suicidal due to the medication i was on.. thats an extreme example but please try again. You mentioned that you want to learn how to cope on your own... if you are in a negative mindset and depressed then it is very difficult to actually achieve coping on your own. Medication can stablise your mood thus allowing you to look at coping skills which later on you can use without the aid of medication.
Why do you colleagues need to find out.... im sure that you dont have to share personal information with all of your collugese? i can understand your boss needing to know but other then that i dont understand it. If you family found out.... what is the worst that could happen? they try to help you? And jsut becasue you cut 'failure' onto self does not mean you are and neither does it label you as that. Take a step back.... out of your comfort of wallowing and see that you can indeed change whats happening for you but you gotta find the motivation, accept help and be open.
The BRAVEST thing
I ever did was CONTINUING MY LIFE when I wanted to die.
If I take meds, I get more people involved than I'd like. No one knows about this- and I don't want them to. It goes on my medical transcript, and when I apply for jobs overseas in hospitals, they're going to see the antidepressants on the list of meds. And trying to get a job there is hard enough as it is. I also want to learn to deal with things on my own, I think.
As far as my colleagues? There's only one way to get the meds- and that's to go through my school, and I'm doing medicine. My colleagues are on the wards, they'll see me, they'll most likely be the ones clerking me as a patient.
This makes things difficult. However, I've resolved to go back to the way I was- no trouble. I'll be a functioning member of society, I'll be whomever everyone needs me to be. I'll trudge quietly along, turning off my feelings as I go. I've done it before, I can do it again... I hope. Thanks for the support guys.
And no, my family will not find out. Ever.
Someday, somewhere, somehow, someone will notice I wasn't ok, but; Someday, somewhere, somehow, I will be...
I'll hold onto that hope desperately.
~*Take these cuts and make them shine, Don't wanna be perfect, just alright...*~
"She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time. " - Stephen Chbosky
