Okay so I posted this in another forum and was told to post it here.....
I am very sorry for the rambling and the patheticness of it all...just felt the need to write it all out....
I started cutting a looooong time ago, but stopped for a little over a year. I have recently had a relapse and can feel myself starting to fall back into the same old patterns again. I feel guilty because I have my children that I want to set a good example for yet the urges to give in to SI are so strong. I know it sounds cliched but I feel alone since all my friends are married happily with their children, I am a single mother that has survived a horrible marriage. No one I am friends with has had problems with SI and doesn't seem to quite understand what I am trying to say by saying I am struggling. At this point I honestly feel lost. I have started back into not eating and then I feel so ashamed of myself, I feel like one of those patheticly depressed people that refuse to try to get on with their lifes when hard times happen, and yet I continue to let myself fall back into my old patterns. My life is in an upheval right now, I am so meloncoly and just need someone who can relate. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I really do appreciate it.
<3~Solo is my sissy~ <3
Don't look behind you, you aren't traveling that direction.
~Hugs Hanna~ Your feelings are not pathetic sweetheart. Writing it out and getting feedback was the right thing to do. Wow! Over a year free is amazing! One slip up after more than a year is fantastic! You don't have to fall back into it. You're obviously a very strong person! Probably stronger than you even realize. You had to be to survive a horrible marriage. You just need to learn from this slip and keep going forward with recovery, for you kidos. I do understand. I have kids too n I struggle with SI and an ED as well. I also don't have any friends who have SIed, so they can't truly understand. The fact that you think you're pathetic and feel like a weak person who crumbles when things are hard means that you're not! People like that just make excuses and justify their behavior n see nothin wrong with it. That's not you hun. I'm glad you reached out!
Thank you so much for being so kind! It has not been just one slip up..it has been a few. I have not been eating, I've been taking pills compulsivly and cutting urges have become so much stronger that a few times I have not even realized that I did it til after the fact. When I was younger I went through a period of anorexia and intense drug use. I stopped all of that when I got pregnant and now it seems likes its all starting to take control again even though I know I can't let it. I have my kids to take care of now and I can't fail them. I feel though that I am failing them because I have given in to my insecurities and addictions.
<3~Solo is my sissy~ <3
Don't look behind you, you aren't traveling that direction.
You're welcome! Even a few slip ups don't mean that you can't stop the cycle. What kind a pills have you been taking? You took control for your babies before, you can do it again! You haven't given in. You're still fighting!
At this point I have taken Percocet, Vicoden, Darvocet and just straight Acetaminophen. I have mixed them and now that I am out of the narcotics I have gone through two bottles (The smaller medium like sized ones not the big one) of Acetaminophen in 5 days. I am not supposed to take Ibuprofen or any other kind of muscle relaxer (including the darvocet-i didn't take many of those) because of a prior renal failure disease (because of pregnancy complications)
<3~Solo is my sissy~ <3
Don't look behind you, you aren't traveling that direction.
Why do you even have all those pain killers? Do you have a chronic pain condition? That could actually be part of the problem that's creating this vicious cycle again. People who have depression issues aren't supposed to take things like Darvacet. Besides that, you know how dangerous that is, with your previous health issues. Sweetheart, I know you already know this, but we all need a reminder once in a while. You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids. I really hope I'm not coming across harshly! After all, you don't even know me. I'm just tryin to help.
Oh no no you are not coming across harshly at all. Actually all the pain killers were prescribed to me (not sure why the darvocet) when I had my C-Section last year but I didn't want to take them all because I wanted to heal on my own I didn't want to rely on a pain killer to get me by. I gave one of my friends who is a medical assitant the rest of my darvocet so she could take it to her work and recycle it and then I wouldn't have it in my house and be tempted by it anymore. The Acetaminophen I started taking 5 days ago when I had a miscarriage and couldn't quite handle the pain alone, well the pain went away but I still kept taking the pills.
<3~Solo is my sissy~ <3
Don't look behind you, you aren't traveling that direction.
Obviously, if you didn't want to have to depend on pain killers when it was actually justified, using them when it isn't is not who you are. Giving the rest of the darvacet to your friend was a difficult, but resposible thing to do. I'm sooo sorry about your miscarriage! I can understand how painful that was, in more ways than one. Now that the physical pain has ended though, you need to stop the pills hun. You know that. You just need some help doin it. I get that too. I often know what's best, but need a little push to do it, or not do it, as the case may be.
Thank you! really thank you! I just handed the rest of my pills over to another friend who agreed to hold me accountable. When I feel I need them for real pain I can ask for one or two and they will keep track of how many I have had throughout the day.
<3~Solo is my sissy~ <3
Don't look behind you, you aren't traveling that direction.
Hanna,I can relate very much to your first post right now.I'm a single mum,who although wasn't married left a very difficult and emotionally abusive relationship.(I have recently began a new and much more positive one) I don't really have any advice because I am struggling with old thought patterns myself but I wanted you to know your not alone.
“Though she be but little, she is fierce!”
20.12 .07 - Cathryn
Thank you both! Claire I am glad you got out and are starting something better that is soooo good!!!
Sorry I have not been on, It was a really rough weekend, Thursday when I left work I actually had to go to the hospital because I was throwing up blood from too many pills already that day. So its been a little rough but i'm makin it. Today honestly I am too tired to feel anything. But I do feel so so grateful that you have taken the time to check on me! I can't express how nice that is and how much i appreciate it!
<3~Solo is my sissy~ <3
Don't look behind you, you aren't traveling that direction.
I know how you feel Hannah. I'm a mum of a 19 year old. She gets very upset with me and I feel guilty all the time. Not just about the sh, but about being bipolar. You are not alone, as Solo showed me earliertoday. xx
SERENITY is my RYL mum.
SOLO is my RYL auntie.
SEFKA is my RYL daughter.
DAYS GONE BYE is my RYL sister.
JEFFERSON.MERIWETHER is my RYL son.
OLINESS is my RYL son.
~Hannah~ It's ok that you haven't been on. You were a little busy! I'm glad you're ok now besides being exhausted! If you'd like my advise. I don't think you should do that again. :)
Yes I must agree-Shouldn't do that again! not my smartest move in the world. That event has made the pills a little easier to stay away from..just the other stuff is still hard. Cutting is still all to present but it helps if my kids are nearby because I won't let them see anything So I am finding excuses to either let them sleep with me or things such as that so I remeber why I want to stay healthy. I used to dance, For 13 years, but had to stop because of my time in the Coma I wasn't strong enough and have a bad ankle-but I am trying to start excercising again to keep my mind off of everything else. I really want to stay healthy, I want my kids to be proud of me.
<3~Solo is my sissy~ <3
Don't look behind you, you aren't traveling that direction.
.gif "rose")
