Contains Suicide - Nightmares.. so real I think they're happening :(

Casper_Fading · 19-01-2011, 11:30 PM

Since before I ended up in hospital I've been having these nightmares that are so real I wake up and it takes me ages to figure out if they're real or not. It's making sleep really hard at the moment. Harder than normal and i'm waking up with headaches. On top of that I feel like i've destroyed mats family just by being me. I'm not going back to his parents place with him becasue i'm afraid that things will start again. Though, I can't tell if they've actually stopped as facebook has been stopped and they're nto members here. I'm scared. The doctors told my grandma that the 12 minutes she saved by calling an ambulance from home before meeting me where I was is all that saved my life. And im not sure if i'm happy about this. Everyones told me that when they saw Mat they've never seen someone so... broken. But i'm afraid. What happens if he starts resenting me? It's my fault. All this. Is my fault. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm seeing my psych tonight and I have to tell her what's been happening.

I dunno why i'm writing. Wasting space maybe :P But I think I just need to know someone who understands is there I guess.

Pomegranate · 19-01-2011, 11:45 PM

Hey Smelly *squishes*

Don't be silly....you aren't wasting space. Has a decision been made about Mat and your living arrangements then? I am really glad you have him and your Nan and that you are seeing your psych today. To be honest she will probably already know a lot of what has been going on from the hospital report. Please try and be truthful though, Iknow it is hard.

Re the nightmares....yes. I quite frequently will have nightmares, sometimes about stuff that could happen and sometimes really violent ones that would never happen. It is horrible waking up and not being sure if you are actually awake, or whether the nightmare was real and not being sure how to check it wasn't. The lack of sleep then tends to make it even harder to rationalise the nightmares if they continue to happen. Unfortunately hun, I have no idea what to advice you to do about it because I have no idea myself! Maybe your psych will have some advice though if you tell her?

lots of love xxxx

Casper_Fading · 19-01-2011, 11:51 PM

I'm so paranoid now too. I'm not going to stop posting cause that just makes it worse but every guest I see reading a post of mine.... it freaks me out.

I'll try be honest. It's so hard :(

Casper_Fading · 20-01-2011, 07:46 AM

Saw my counsellor today. She was... mad. She read the messages and was horrified and was really sorry that she hasn't been around the past few months. I'm seeing her again on Monday before I go to sydney. We've got to wait for my body to settle down again after the od before we can really address my sleeping as well.

I also so my gp today. I expected him to tell me that the emergency room doctors were exagerating when they said that another 12 minutes and I would have died... he told me they weren't. When he saw my liver levels he was horrified and is thankful that the hospital didn't follow protocol and wait for my blood test to come back before treating my od... if they had I would have died.

I'm swinging from being happy to have called someone to being unhappy. It's so hard. I dislike myself so much that stuff just plays into it and I blame myself. Then there are times where I don't blame myself. Sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode. *curls up* I told mat not to come tonight cause he's been travelling up every day and it's a long way and stuff and i don't want him to be to tired. I worry about him driving when he's tired. But I wish he was here. i really need a cuddle. But i'll prolly curl up in bed with the cats or something and watch movies. I'm not sure.

Casper_Fading · 20-01-2011, 12:09 PM

I wish mat was here. I just want to cry in his arms and have him tell me it'll be okay. I feel so sick still. I got told it will pass but i don't like it. I hate feeling like this. I'm paranoid they're gonna get me. That everything will blow up and i'm gonna get more hurt.

wish i hadn't rung.

Pomegranate · 20-01-2011, 03:15 PM

I am glad you rung. What made you decide to call? Can you try and hold onto whatever it was? When is Mat back?

Casper_Fading · 21-01-2011, 01:27 AM

I spoke to mat and he was crying cause he didn't know where i was and I wouldn't tell him. So I rang for him. He comes down tonight.

Casper_Fading · 21-01-2011, 12:37 PM

Told mat not to come tonight. He's coming tomorrow instead. I'm trying to gently push him away so he doesn't realise until it's normal for him to not come and eventually stop...

Merc · 27-01-2011, 11:49 PM

I hope mat has been/is there.
Wondering how you are/what's been happening.
Love ya lots
hope you are safe.
xx

Casper_Fading · 31-01-2011, 02:39 AM

Mat is here for me. He wont let me push him away. I had a wonderful time in sydney with my family and got some really nice clothes too! Just signed a lease too my own place too! Moving in officially tomorrow. It's all very exciting :D I'm really flat most of the time but getting there I guess.