Last week I started self harming because of my gf and her family. The pain was too much to bare. I was two and a half years harm free. The very day I went to therapy her nephew called yelling at me that i ruined his career. I went in to my session crying. That night I had to call 911 for my gf. I stayed with her until 5 am when they got her admitted and settled in her room. By the time I got home there was three messages from the hospital. One they needed to know her vent settings. Two they needed me to bring her equipment and I was the only one who knows how to work it. Three the dr wants to talk to me. This was last wednesday. I have been there night and day with the exception of coming home feeding the dogs, doing her laundry so she can have clean pj's, and cleaning the dogs messes since they can't get out. Thursday her mother comes up to the hospital and goes off on me. I go down stairs until she leaves. The nurses see me leave the room and ask me to please not be long. They legally can't touch her equipment or know how to use it. I spend every single night with her. I haven't slept in eight days. I've come home twice and the house has been broke in to. Only my computer room had been trashed. Nothing stolen. Her mom shows up on friday and tried to hit me twice. i told her hit me but i wont hit you back. she was screaming get out of her face. i was setting down and never raised my voice. she grabbed the chair i was in and started jerking it. Now from the top of my thigh to the knee is nothing but bruises. the nurse was in there when this occurred. my gf's mom went to the door and told me i better watch where i go and watch what i do. the only thing my gf said was mom you dont need make threats. she came back to the door looked me straight in the eyes and told me its no threat its a promise. I left a few hours later to repeat my routine. On the answering machine was the city and county police. they wanted me to press charges but my gf said no. I talked to my gf about an order of protection and all she was worried about was not wanting her mom served papers. This morning before her surgery she said file them. my life has been filled with abuse and her mom victimized me taking me to a place i never wanted to go again. my gf's in surgery right now and i cant be there because her mother is there. I have surgery tomorrow and my grown children all have reasons why they can' be with me. I am going in alone. Every day I have been coming home I have been harming. I've spoke with my therapist and she can't get me in until tuesday. I've been calling the help crisis line. I feel better when i talk to them but i have very little time since i am taking care of my gf. I have nobody. No support system. My surgery tomorrow is to see if I have colon cancer or crohns disease which is what the drs really think it is. From there If it is confirmed I will be air lifted to charleston again alone. The pain is too much and the humilation of pre registering giving blood and explaining my arms leaves me looking down. I love my gf and I am aware I need out of this situation. I have no where to go. I have no family. I pay my way here so I am left with little money. Theres no place to go for mental abuse only physical. I've been in the physical with my ex and got away. Im not saying this to be glamourous but I would rather have the physical any day of the week than mental. I am bipolar 1 and i have borderline personality disorder as well as ptsd, not including my basic health problems. I've lost a lot of weight in a short time. I am not even allowed to speak of it. I wait till the middle of the night and go in my computer room and cry. Ive done all the coping skills for the last 8 years now. I want to stop. I need to stop. The pain is too much. Posting here really helps. Here I have a voice and I am not judged. I thank you all for that. For once I can log on come here and be heard.
