I just wish I could be like other people who get on with things without getting in a panic, feeling low and getting stressed. I feel like everything is harder, overwhelming, but it's not. I feel low. I don't want to feel like this and I badly want to cut, which in the end doesn't solve anything, but still. I feel like I want to cry but I can't.
I have have been on ADs but stopped without advise last year.(yip, stupid, but I told myself I'm fine, just being melodramatic). I felt a bit better. Now I just feel awful. A fake. I can appear very happy and act the clown, but then I get to my flat and it's back to the my low self destructive self. I can't even talk about it with anyone. I have lots to do but I just want to hide away. Again, won't solve anything. I hate myself, I hate that I can't stop this.
I understand wanting to be like other people who seem to be able to do things without as much of a struggle, but the fact is that your mind works differently, so the trick is learning to work with it in order to achieve what you want. If it means you have to do things a little differently, that's okay, you know?
You're right that cutting and isolating won't solve anything, though it is very tempting at times.
Maybe it would be worth getting back on meds. Why did you stop taking them last year?
Thank you Facet. I think you told me what deep done I know, but needed to be told by someone else.
I think you are right, I should accept my mind works differently and I need to learn to work with it. That was a good way of looking at it and really helpful.
I stopped taking ads because I felt like I was getting better and because I can have a laugh sometimes. Didn't feel like I should waste peoples time, I should be okay, there is no reason for this, urgh, I hate this phrase, but as though I should "pull myself together". Now I feel low again, were sometimes I feel so horribly down and self destructive. But then I do get some moments where I am smiley and laughing(mainly at work because I worked hard for it, don't want to mess it up and it can make me happy and it's also a big distraction). I think the evenings and mornings are when I'm low more and stressed.
Sometimes people on meds stop taking them because they feel better, but you probably felt a little better because of the meds. So it's probably a good idea to try to go back on meds with a different mindset about it. You're not wasting time, you have an illness, an illness which requires medication.
Just because sometimes you can smile and laugh doesn't mean there isn't a problem.
Today I was off work, I was going to make a doctors appointment because I know I can't go on like this. I didn't. I stayed in bed and I'm ashamed to say when I managed to drag myself out of it (not that long ago). I hate feeling this low. I feel like such a waste of space.
I can't go on like this forever. I know I need it to stop. This is truly awful to say but there is a part of me that doesn't want to stop the sh, maybe this is stopping me asking for help again. I'm so ashamed. Later this week I hope I can find the courage to ask for help.
Have you managed to ask for some help/get an appointment?
You really are not wasting anyone's time.
Pls try to get some help and reconsider the meds.
I know it is so hard, to feel so different, like there is no good reason for how you feel and struggle.
As Facet said, it is the nature of the illness. Things will seem more difficult for you; it is a matter of learning a way around the issue(s), a 'detour' of sorts.
Pls update when you can.
Thinking of you.
Thanks Romp, yeh I've been thinking about it a lot. Next week I'm going to make an appointment. Last night I was thinking that I don't want to be like this and can't go on like this. I feel like I'm sliding downwards and it has to stop.
someone gave me the following advice once. i didn't take it but it is good advice so i'm passing it on:
if you have depression (or similar), you are not like everybody else. sometimes you're going to feel rubbish, and the trick is to learn not to beat yourself up about it.
***
it is simplistic but it's hard, too. to learn to realise that sometimes you won't do the things you feel you should be able, and you will let yourself down. but there isn't blame in that. obviously a symptom of depression is blaming yourself for that, and therein lies the catch.
but try repeating it to yourself.
"i feel horrible. i wish i didn't. i'm not like everyone else and i wish i was. there are things i can do to make this easier on myself but for the time being i should just be proud of what i have managed so far".
Sorry I am being rubbish replying and updating, have not been able to find the words.
Well, I did it. I asked for help. I know I can't keep this up. I'm back on ads and have been refered to speak to someone, which has me very much terrified, although my head was mushy so it is all very much of a blur. Don't know what to think now.
I just wish I could be like other people who get on with things without getting in a panic, feeling low and getting stressed. I feel like everything is harder, overwhelming, but it's not. I feel low. I don't want to feel like this and I badly want to cut, which in the end doesn't solve anything, but still. I feel like I want to cry but I can't.
.....I can't even talk about it with anyone. I have lots to do but I just want to hide away. Again, won't solve anything. I hate myself, I hate that I can't stop this.
This could have been me writing, the words are a reflection of how I feel, how I have always felt... who I am. I so much feel that I am a square peg in a world of round holes, that nothing I do is ever right, and that life is harder than it really needs to be.
Well, I did it. I asked for help. I know I can't keep this up. I'm back on ads and have been refered to speak to someone, which has me very much terrified, although my head was mushy so it is all very much of a blur. Don't know what to think now.
Well done- that's a big step and I hope things start to get better for you.
