My depression's got pretty bad these past few weeks... I'm averaging 4 hours of sleep a night and despite this only a few hours out of bed. I know it's not good, i know i should change it, set goals, small tasks to do, but i can't, i honestly just can't motivate myself to do a damn thing. I go back to uni next week, lectures will start again and i just don't think i'm going to be able to do it, i'm scared, honestly scared that i'm going to keep going downhill and muck this all up. I got a phone call from my psychologist at uni yesterday, he wanted to schedule an appointment - i have to call in to him next week when im back down there to make one, but the thing is i dont even think i want to anymore, it takes too much out of me, i just want to be left alone to be how i am, is that so bad? I know i'm in a bad place, he knows im not in the best place either from before christmas, so i dont know what he'd say if i didnt go along to him, he warned me i was toeing the line and he'd have to involve my parents if things got worse or my self harm stayed at the same severity so i'm scared... i even went online to my uni account and changed the emergency contact number to my mobile number cause i was scared they might contact my parents.
I dunno, i'm a mess, life is a mess and i just want it all to disappear. I don't see a way out of this and next week there'll be no family to try to appear ok for.
Hun, I don't have the words for this at the minute, but just wanted to say that I can relate to this. I shall come back in the morning and reply properly.
I leave for uni again tomorrow, i'm bricking it. It dawned on me today that i have no plans to come back here, my plan is to go down to uni but after that there is no plan, just a yawning abyss of unspecified time
It's okay that there is no plan. Sometimes life needs to be taken slowly. You set the challenges for yourself - that are attainable, otherwise you can be totally overwhelmed by pressure and end up achieving nothing. Every step you make, every mistake you make is an opportunity to learn. That said, I wholeheartedly understand the feeling that the future is a frightening abyss.
The depression sounds concerning. My psychologist says to me that you have to find a reason to get out of bed. Find a reason to make the effort to do a little something extra each day, that's positive. Whether it's having a shower when you need one but don't feel like it. It's those attainable goals again. She says, fake it 'til you make it. Smile a little more than you want to because you might start to feel it. (I know and empathise that it's the LAST thing you want to do, but it might just help a tiny bit).
I strongly suggest making an appointment with your psychologist.
And PS, sorry, I just saw you mentioned small goals in your first post.
I'm not good with advice but I can empathise with what your saying. My motivation is rock bottom and I find it hard to talk to people about whats going on but they can help sometimes I think. Maybe you should tell your psychologist about how you are feeling?
I really advise you to see your psych. I know you do not want to, but they are there to give you support through this.
I understand depression, and the feeling of wanting it all to end and not having plans. I understand lacking the motivation to do anything. As others have said, you do have to force yourself. That, or get someone, a friend, colleague, familly member - anyone, to call you and talk you out of bed if that is what it takes (it is the only reason I still have a job. My boyfriend and parents make me get up).
I know these things feel impossible. You do need to push through that though, as the more you push through it, the better you will be.
Depression has a habit of dragging us down a long slow and torturous road, and the trick is to try not to succumb to it, staying in bed leads to more staying in bed and makes it harder to get up. I know this - as I have done it.
Do be gentle with yourself. See the psych, and let them help you.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
