now what!

[lozza]

I got rid of the rest of my blades yesterday... so I should be feeling quite strong right?

well I am not!

people have been consuming alcohol in the house - now I want to too
the thoughts to hurt myself are so strong but I got rid of my tools so I cannot act on those thoughts...

and I dont even know what I am trying to say right now but I know that things are not going ok within me right now and I know, I can feel that something is gonna go horribly wrong.

it feels like a ticking time bomb inside of me!

but I do not know what to do.
And I feel unable to call someone.

I feel like going out and buying alcohol. I feel like I NEED to drink right now.. I know that in the short-term it will give me an escape and hence will make me feel better
but I know that in the long-term it will not achieve anything or help me at all

...sometimes I hate being so aware of everything.
I want to hurt myself and each minute I scream out NO! everything in my head gets louder and louder.

I feel like a ticking time bomb... about to explode any second

[Revival]

hey sweetheart, I really dont have words right now but just wanted to say I love you heaps and that you can get through this, you're stronger than you think.

[lozza]

thanks ally sweetie
but I am not feeling that way at all :/

I am scared and terrified

I am scared because I cannot verbalise what is happening in my head, what ella is feeding me right now. That terrifies me cuz if I cant verbalise what is happening then no one will know and NO ONE will be able to relate or help me fight this never ending battle.

I feel low.
it is that time of the month and I feel like I want to hurt myself just for the sake of it, because I know that my period makes things a million times worse inside.

I feel like I do not want to fight anymore because fighting seems so pointless when I know I will just wake up to another morning fighting the same crap... getting no where fast.

I want to end things cuz that is the only ending I can see from how I am feeling. And that scares me a lot.

I do not know what to do right now:s

[talaiporia]

Well done for getting rid of your blades, that's a huge step. And it's really amazing.

I'm sorry people are triggering you and drinking in the house. Could you ask them not to?

[lozza]

I could but the thing is it is against the rules to drink or even have alcohol on the premises (I live in supported accomodation)

not feeling great right now... I am hanging out to see J my d&a worker in the morning... I feel so low and very out of control:/

[talaiporia]

In that case, could you report them for it or ask the staff to sort it out?
*hugs*
Is there anyone you could ring?

[lozza]

the staff caught him drinking.. and yes they have dealt with the matter but yeh..

I will bring it up with my key worker later on

...I just got back from seeing J, it was a good session... we talked a lot and went out for coffee...

feel so numb and out of it right now
...like I dont know... just feel scared

[talaiporia]

Could you get someone to sit with you?
Or try a cold shower if you're feeling numb? Or walking?

[rebound_girl]

It's great that you got rid of your blades! The first time I threw away everything I felt the same way. It's like you just threw out your life support or something, and it's tough to get through it. But once you do, you will feel really good about not having them around. Take care!

[lozza]

thank you for the replies everyone, it really does help knowing I am not alone!

I wish so badly that these thoughts would just leave me alone. I feel so up and down like I want to be by myself but at the same time I so badly want someone to sit with me and just hold me!!!! I am feeling so little inside.

I cleaned my room a bit today, have a room inspection tomorrow.
I have cleaned my pets cage and vaccumed so now I just gota attack the bathroom but that wont me take me long at all

I am feeling scared cuz I see my counsellor late this afternoon. I wish I could just see her now - I hate having to wait. My apt isnt until 5.15pm and its in the city... I wont be getting home until late
I am scared cuz I have not seen her in such a long time

I see my pdoc on monday, am freaking out about that too. If she suggests hospital I do not know what I will do. I think the break may be helpful but I do not want to go back there, I am probably already known as a regular there... I do NOT want hospital to become my life!!

I think I am glad I got rid of the rest of my tools the other day. I hate, or rather ella is giving me hell for telling the worker I 'had' to. But I know deep down it was the right thing to do.

The floods that have been happening in queensland has really been affecting me. The helpline I so often call is based there.... they have been flooded out. I cannot call or email them. Everything is shut down.

I dont know how I am really feeling inside.
But I know I should possibly not be driving... I feel like a little kid. Probably only 5 years old.... back when my childhood is blank cuz thats when my dad began being both verbally and physically abusive towards us kids.

please someone just stop all this pain and flashbacks I am enduring
I cannot take another minute.

I am scared

[talaiporia]

*hugs*
Is there another helpline you could ring?

[lozza]

not one I feel comfortable with

I am so scared right now

[talaiporia]

Why are you scared? Are you safe?

[lozza]

cuz I am feeling like a little girl inside and I dont know what is happening right now. I know I am on my laptop on ryl but I feel myself drifting back to the past. I feel like I shouldnt be here. I feel so little. A little girl shouldnt be feeling this way but I am I am

I dont know what is going on :/

[talaiporia]

*hugs*

[Revival]

Hey sweetheart, I'm sorry that I don't have any words of wisdom right now, I just wanted to let you know that I often feel the same, you're not alone in this. You can get through this, and I'll be by your side the whole way.
Love you to pieces xox

[Wannabfree]

how are you doing now? Hugs from Qld...thinking of you xxx

[jonikd]

*hugs Loz* hope you're doing ok chick, I sometimes feel the same so at least know what you're describing. Hang in there and find that part of you that lives in the here and now and looks to the future with the promise that you so deserve. You're gonna be great Little One. Just keep believing and looking forward.

Love ya
xo

[lozza]

I wont be though jk I wont be great. I mean yeh you know me and have met me but there is still so much that is hidden that I am unable to tell anyone at all:s

they were banging on my door this morning
I was so terrified. I kept crying andf trying to make myself disappear. I was rocking myself back and forth back and forth. Hiding under my dooner holding tenderheart and benji so tight. I couldnt move.
and they kept on banging and banging. every like 10mins it felt like. I was so scared.

eventually I was able to reach for my phone and dial KHL. I wasnt able to talk to my usual counsellors but the one I spoke to was nice. She was nice and she helped me. she helped me feel safe. She was nice

I am in my room now. I am meant to be watching a movie with steph but I am finding it so hard to get up and move. My head is so loud and crazy and I cannot even reach for my prn to take one.

I am scared. So scared.
I am trying to do stuff but I am scared.

BUT I dont know of what!

I promised my couns I wouldnt SH and that if I did I would use someone clean but I cant think of anything to use and the thoughts are worse than that. Almost like I need to do something more but I do not know what.

thank you for always being there ally. thank you. but sorry I am not strong right now. I dont know what will happen.

thank you kerry for always caring despite the fact you live two whole states away - it really does mean a lot

and thank you talaiporia for taking the time to talk to me. I know I dont know you but it means more than you will ever know so thank you.

...right now I do not know what is happening for me. I am just trying to stay still cuz if I stay still chances are I cannot hurt me. right?

fuck
I hate feeling like this. I wish there was an off switch. I wish that just for a second I had the guts to go through with everything that ella is screaming in my ears

I am scared

[talaiporia]

Who are they? I'm glad the counsellor was nice.

Do you think you could ring the counsellor again?