My mum hates me, i think....

[Zurg]

I'm not sure i should write this. I'm not sure i should tell anyone. People always say there is hope. I'm not so sure anymore..... It feels like it hurts to even breathe. Hurts to think. Hurts to feel. To speak..... I feel that maybe i'm actually as big an idiot as certain people will have me think.

I'm tired. I'm tired and it hurts. I'm tired of always having to question my mum's love for me. Words hurt so much more than a slap in the face ever would. Every day she tells me how stupid, selfish and useless i am. EVery day for the past ****ing 15 years. I think i'm finally reaching the point where i can't take it anymore. I can't face the truth that the person who is supposed to love me when everyone else doesn't that she actually makes me cut myself. Makes me cry for hours. Makes me feel so small and stupid. Every time when i think it can't get any worse she manages to tear me down on a whole new level.

I don't think she loves me. I don't think she even LIKES me. I do everything to please her but it's never good enough. I always do it wrong or don't do it well enough or i get "stupid, selfish ideas in my head" that ruins her mood.

I told her today that i want to get dreadlocks again. She flipped. Maybe i really am an idiot but i don't really see the problem here. I would save up for it. It's not like i'd go and do ir right away. But she told me i was an idiot and i was selfish and always just think of myself and no one else. And i am tired. I am so ****ing tired of her always ruining everything. I'm so tired of her endless critique.

She tries to control my life. And i don't think she realises how much she pushes me away from her by doing this. I am 29 for ****s sake. She takes it as a personal insult when i get a new piercing or a new tattoo or a new haircut. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being told how ugly and selfish i am.

She told me that stopping drinking was just a question about willpower, that overcoming any addiction is just a question about willpower. I don't normally get angry but that made me really, really mad and i told her to leave.

I don't want to talk to her anymore. I don't want to tell her things. Sometimes, and this sounds really horrible, i think i would be a happier person if i didn't have anything to do with her. Because then there wouldn't be anyone to tell me what a bad person i am. There wouldn't be anyone would made me feel like dirt.

She crossed the line today. I'm not sure i can forgive her for this. For the endless tears that keep welling up in my eyes. For making me feel like i'm worse than scum.

I don't know what to do. But i can't keep dealing with being told how stupid and selfish and immature i am. I may not be the best person in the world but i have done nothing to deserve this. I think deep down that she hates me...

[Merc]

Kat, luv..I'm so sorry she has done this yet again to you.
I'll be brief here (will email in a bit) but I think you know she is bitter by how her life turned out and she continually takes it out on you. No one else is near her (wonder why?!) so you get it all.
She's bitter and so very angry...BUT NONE of that is your fault.
She is using you as a mantal puching bag, always has, sadly i think, always will.
I think you would be happier with her less in your life too. It is so hard to keep seeing the aftermath of her meaness on you. Can only imagine how it feels on your end.
I dont blame you get angry about her comments about quitting...yes, you need to want to (which you do) but it is more than willpower alone. If it was (for everyone, i guess some ppl can stop totally on their own?) only down to willpower, why is there AA, detox, rehab, endless couns. programs for help with it??
I hate to put this, but she is using it as another way to bring you down...which is simply disgusting.
I still think you need to write her a letter/email, outlining alllll of it. And that you want no ctc until she can treat you decently, for a change.
She has grown used to using you; from making you 'substitute mom' to your brother when you were so young, to caring for her as well, to now taking the brunt of her disappointment with her life.
Yet she does not one ****ing thing to change, tho she is so very unhappy and physically unwell now too.
Another thing you have 'take care of' for her.
You have become her shrink too.
And what thanks do you get? Ever got?
Another mental slap in the face.

Much much love and hugs
xxxx

[Sigma]

^I agree with Romp

I used to get something similar from my Mum - I broke contact for a year, and since then if she is unpleasant I stay away for a few months. On the other hand, if she is pleasant and treats me with respect then I contact her more often. It has worked - I don't think we'll ever have the mother/daughter relationship that I would like, but at least she doesn't undermine me all the time.

[CagedBird]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zurg

I'm not sure i should write this. I'm not sure i should tell anyone. People always say there is hope. I'm not so sure anymore..... It feels like it hurts to even breathe. Hurts to think. Hurts to feel. To speak.....

I'm tired. I'm tired and it hurts.

I think i'm finally reaching the point where i can't take it anymore.

I do everything to please her but it's never good enough.

i think i would be a happier person if i didn't have anything to do with her.

I may not be the best person in the world but i have done nothing to deserve this.

That must be so difficult to deal with. (sorry i know i don't have the right words to explain how bad you must feel right now). I guess there is a point where you realise that you need to take control of your life and set up boundries...even for parents who are supposed to love you unconditionally! I can imagine doing or feeling you need to do that would hurt badly though. You are right though, at 29 you don't need to be justifying your worth to your mother. I do think that respect is paramount, especially with parents, but it needs to be reciprocal.

Maybe this is the time when you tell yourself you are worthy of respect.

Maybe this is the point where you say 'no more'.

[Zurg]

I thank you for your replies and sorry it has taken me so long to get back to this.

It's a neverending conflict in my head.... I do love her but sometimes i think that maybe even THAT isn't enough. It's a conflict of interests because i want to have her in my life but i don't want all the crap that follows from that.

I have had confrontations with her and they made her behave for a while but something always brings this monster back. THe thing is that i don't have many people in my life and i don't want to lose my mum who i talk to every day. I just wish she would stop being such an idiot. Because sometimes i feel that it hurts so much more to have her in my life than it would if i never had a mum. It's a very confusing feeling.

Maybe she loves me in her own twisted way but i still feel like you don't talk to anyone the way she talks to me. You just don't. Because if you do you're a ****ing scumbag. And me being her "kid" doesn't justify the things she likes to call me.

*sighs*
I have to think of a way to deal with this. It has been too many wounds, and too many tears over the years.

Thank you for your replies. Sorry i'm not strong enough to do as you suggest

[SparkleKitten]

My mother is the same. Do you still live at home? If not then possibly you could distance yourself from her for a few days then send a letter trying to explain how you feel. I don't know what to suggest, I'm in the same situation, but I'm no help. Sorry. I hope you're alright hun. You just have to remember none of this is your fault. None of it at all.

[Merc]

Kat, you have enough right now without adding guilt to the mix! *wags finger*
It is NOT an easy thing to do or to deal with.
Here whenever you need.
Love ya
xx