Kind of a rant in the end but not meant to be...

[bunny punk]

Hi.

I haven't posted for quite some time and have stayed away for awhile because I felt it was best at the time. Now I don't know where to turn right now and I thought here might be a good place to start. I'm just going to write this all out and I don't know how it's going to turn out but I hope that by getting it all out I may feel a bit better. I hope this makes sense in the end too.

I've been in recovery from ED, SI, and suicide attempts for 2 years now and I've done great with doing away with the behaviors. Sometimes though the mental parts are still there. I like to think I'm doing great and finding life and maybe even happy and then the next day I feel like crap and beat myself up for not being good enough. I get mad and upset with myself for not sticking to a schedule like I'd like to or not doing things I know I need to, just little silly things like that seem to matter a whole lot to me. I like to try to control how my life runs from day to day as a way to feel safe instead of using food or SI but it never works out the way I want it to and I always get left feeling frustrated and disappointed.

I sometimes still get upset and unhappy with the way my body looks and how I look in general but I know that its just leftover crap from ED that I probably never dealt with. I try to tell myself good things and remind myself that its all lies and a bunch of crap but it doesn't always work. I know that I could probably work through those issues with a therapist but its hard to see a therapist when you're broke and have to be creative with your money just to pay your bills.

I'm trying to work through it all the best I can but sometimes it gets hard and takes over like today. I've done nothing but mope around and be mad at myself and I know that doesn't help. I guess it helps like i thought to just get it all out. I don't know if this makes any sense or if anyone really has anything to say but if you do it'd be great.

Thanks for reading,

Sam

[Sketchy]

It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. EDs can make you feel like it has to be perfect, must go right, and perhaps it is a way of giving you control, what I mean is, it is okay if things don't go according to plan. It's scary, but it's okay.

I don't know how things are where you live but is there any way someone can refer you to therapy where you don't have to pay? I don't know, have you tried asking a doctor? It sounds like it might help even having someone to talk to, especially if you feel like it takes over.

Don't worry about making sense. I have started writting things in a book to help me, and it just comes out a jumbled mess!

Take care
Sketchy