feel like ending it all :'(

8yearsofthis · 07-01-2011, 12:29 AM

(you may have seen this on one of the other forum's as i do not know if i put it in the right place )
Nothing feels real. Im pretty certain now that nothing is real.
and Eddie's voice (voice i have in my head) is growing... I can feel it growing.
It's angry at me.
Its putting images in my head, of deep gashes in my arm. The damage, the blood... its making me crave it so badly.
I think it's better to do as it wants now, than make it even angrier.
Cause then it'll make me want to OD if i do not. And I cant fight that. I never can.
I figured some more out yesterday. They don't like that. He is watching me now more than ever. Thats why Eddie is acting up. He does not want me knowing anymore.
But the the thing.
Eddie will make me feel these things.. make me feel them so intensly, and.. I think it somehow takes partial control over me.
While my attention is focused on not doing what its making me want to, it somehow... takes control. Not completely, only partially.
Its why whenever Ive taken an OD, and sometimes cut (When I try to fight it) things are all blurry for me. I can remember what I did... but.. its all hazy.
But when I slowed down on it I've been drinking a lot more and smoking.
all my old friend's say that i just want attention but i do not.
I dont know what to do.

sorry if this does not make any sense as my haed is a real mess and with Eddie all ways telling me to end it .

lizliz · 07-01-2011, 07:45 AM

I don't have much advice as I don't hear voices - but I hope that you're safe. Do you have someone you can talk to? Like a therapist or something? Someone who knows about Eddie, knows about what you're going through? Try to stay strong - you can make it through this, just gotta find a support system - a way to keep surviving - keep living.

I'm sorry your friends don't understand - perhaps a professional would be more helpful understanding? And try to remember you aren't alone.

dyinginside · 07-01-2011, 09:54 AM

hey sweetie
Please keep fighting, i understand having a voice in your head i had one too and he does come back to me but not as aggressive and nasty as before but if you keep fighting eventually eddie will become less frequent and less demanding. You can beat this and be happy keep trying hun xx

8yearsofthis · 07-01-2011, 07:44 PM

i see a therapist but have only seen her once and i am waiting for someone one from CMHT but eddie just seem to get stronger and more aggressive when i talk to someone about him so just do not know what to do.

dyinginside · 09-01-2011, 03:09 PM

hes getting more aggressive because your fighting and trying to get help which he doesnt like because the help will ease the impact he has on you. but keep doing it because you need him gone and to be happy xx

8yearsofthis · 09-01-2011, 04:38 PM

i just do not know how much more i keep this up for.
thanks for the support it has help so thank you

dyinginside · 10-01-2011, 11:14 AM

you can keep it going hun, i know you can please dont give up! xx

8yearsofthis · 10-01-2011, 04:14 PM

i will try
and thanks again

dyinginside · 10-01-2011, 04:33 PM

no problem, pm anytime or if you just want an online hug or support im here x