rant.............

[NumbForest]

Well 2010 is nearly over and I must admit I am rather looking forward to a new year and a fresh start!!

I don’t even really know where to start with my year. I feel like I have slipped back into some bad habits. My anxiety is worse than it has been in a few years and as for my depression? Well that is just making my life a living hell! I don’t seem to want to do anything. even getting out of bed seems to be a challenge. Then when I do manage to get out of bed, every time I go out the house I feel massive anxiety. I think most people think I am faking it as it really has gotten to the point where I don’t get out of bed for two days, other than to go and get something to eat or to go to the toilet.

Yet I cannot see why. I don’t really have any major issues in my life that should make me this depressed. I mean if I look back at my life before I moved to Spain, I was seen as lower than everyone. Most people believed they were better than me and to be honest, i believed most were better than me. I did crap in education and really had no prospects of going anywhere, even though I was at college. compare that to my life now and really I should be really happy. I now have friends that believe they are equal to me and don’t look down upon me (well some do, but there is always the odd few aint there? LOL). I am at university and somehow got through my first year and now in my second year and I am surrounded by people that actually care about me, which still amazes me.

However, I don’t seem to be able to shake this feeling that I am somehow not good enough. Somehow not worthy of this care people show for me. I feel as though I cannot bring anything to friendships or relationships for that matter. I mean maybe I can help people with stuff. Then what though? I’m not particularly funny, or fun, or a good conversationalist. I don’t go out on nights out, or drink or every really “let myself go”. So how can anyone care about someone as boring as myself?

Also if my own mum would rather drink than have a relationship with me, what must that say about me? I know, don’t take it personally, don’t allow myself to feel responsible and all that. sometimes though that is hard to do, when the one person that is supposed to put you above and beyond everyone and everything else, puts vodka before you!

I just feel as though everything I worked so hard to beat is coming back and smacking me in the face. I remember when I first decided to go to college. I remember the strength it took me to be able to go. I walked to the shop every day for a month, no matter how I was feeling, whether I had money or not. Just so that I could be prepared to go to college. All that seems like it was worth nothing though when now, every time I am out, all I want to do is run back home. I don’t think I have the strength to start again.

Every time I wake up, I know I have another battle on my hands to live a half normal life. I can’t just get up, have a shower and begin my day. I wish I could. I wish this stupid load of crap in my brain would just p*** off and leave me alone. Then I get people telling me to “pull it together” or “No one else can help me if I won’t help myself”. Seriously?? WTF do people think I have been trying to do for the last 5 years? I haven’t been sitting on my arse thinking “oh well I am ill” I have battled to get to where I am, despite my illness. sometimes I don’t have the strength in me to keep on battling! Sometimes I want to give up because I feel there is no way out. Yet i still battle. Instead of seeing that though, some people just see that sometimes I give up.

I have tried helping myself. I have been to the doctors more times than most people go in their life, begging them for help!! I am not stupid, I know it will take work on my part and I am willing to put that work in because honestly, I just want my life back. Yet that is not so easy to do when all I get offered is CBT, which for me does not work! My last CBT therapist-I have been refered for it 4 times already-said I was doing everything that I need to in order to get better, it is just not working. Still however, the doctors insist this is some miricle cure, that will somehow make me magically better. No matter how many times I go and it doesn’t work, I still get referred again and again. So let me ask, what else is it I can do to “help myself”, in order for others to “help me”?

Well I didn’t know what way this was going to go, turned out, it was a rant on my part about, well everything lol.

[talaiporia]

You shouldn't take it personally. If your mum drinks, that has no reflection on you. That is her choice.

I'm sorry that you're not finding them very helpful. Do you see anyone else? Are you on any medication?

Things will get better eventually, they always do.

[Zurg]

I just wanted to hug you after reading that. And i want to say that i don't think it's odd you're struggling. I had a boyfriend who was the son of alcoholics and the demons he had to face drove him into being a crazy and violent monster. So the good news are that you're doing better than him.

You might think there are no reasons to why you feel bad. I have picked of several from your post. It seems to me like you've had most of the odds against you. But even when your mum has failed you and even though people have been horrible to you, it doesn't mean that you are a bad person. It means people treated you badly.

Certain therapies don't work for everyone. I had cognitive therapy once and in the end i got so annoyed that i refused to keep doing it because it didn't help. I think, if you look inside, that you have an idea of what will be helpful to you but you have trouble communicating that because you feel you should ne thankful for what they offer you.

Do you write???? Maybe it would help to write down what you really would like to gain from therapy and maybe the way you could acheieve it. It seems pretty stupid to me that they keep offering you CBT when it clearly isn't enough. It doesn't mean there is anything fundamentally wrong with you, it just means you need something different than CBT.

I think one of your core problems is that you don't feel good enough. I, unfortunately, cannot help with that as i struggle big time with that myself, but i still want to say that i sense you're a good person but a lot of wrong has been done to you to make you feel insecure. Also something a different therapist and a different approach can help with.

I think you need to work on communicating what you think you need and what could help you. Doctors often like when people are specific. IF you can somehow voice your problems instead of downplaying them ( which i think you unconsciously do) then you might get a different approach.

Best of luck!!!!
:)