*updated #59...i really dont know what has haopened* help i think
...that 'getting better' would mean becoming nothing
...that 'recovering my mind' would mean learning there is nothing left in it
...that i would face the realization that I have forgotten so much
...that i could truly hate myself more
...that suicide would be more likely/appealing/successful when you are 'stable'
...what a shallow person i really am
...how lonely I could become
...how much i hope I will end
Ahhh honey, being recovered is none of those things. That's just a step... a hitch maybe. But you will get past it. You are so wonderful lovely. I wish i could help you see yourself the way i see you. With open and knowing eyes. *cuddles tightly*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
...that 'getting better' would mean becoming nothing Why do you feel you are nothing?
...that 'recovering my mind' would mean learning there is nothing left in it For what it is worth, and that may be very little, I understand that.....I think there is a lot left in it. Maybe it just feels like you have lost a lot because of how much of your mind was once consumed by your illness. Maybe without it having control things feel kind of empty and it will take time for the 'well' Romp to feel comfortable enough to come out of the shadows?
...that i would face the realization that I have forgotten so much. It is early days Romp, those things you think you have forgotten may still come back.
...that i could truly hate myself more. Why do you hate yourself more Romp? Is it maybe that you are now confronting the issues and feeling behind and towards your self hatred that were maybe masked before by your harming/alcohol intake/general ill health? That is just a thought by the way, nothing more so apologies if it seems a little off the mark or offensive :s
...that suicide would be more likely/appealing/successful when you are 'stable'
...what a shallow person i really am Why are you shallow?
...how lonely I could become
...how much i hope I will end
especially that the self-destructiveness takes up so much space and energy it's difficult to develop other parts of yourself. But now you have the space and energy you will discover new things in yourself... things that were squeezed out by the illness
Getting better means becoming somebody different. It certainly doesn't mean becoming nothing. I can understand how, if you've been ill for a long time, you start to wonder what is left of 'you'. But there is a fantastic person in there. It just takes time to find yourself again. What do you enjoy doing, romp? Who matters to you? These are the things which, to a large extent, define who we are as people.
It's okay to forget things. I've forgotten a lot too. But you know what? The human brain is a remarkable organ. It's always learning new things.
I'm sorry to hear you say that you hate yourself more and are feeling suicidal. Why is that? What do you hate more about yourself now than you did when you were ill? You have come such a long way. It's something I really admire about you, actually.
I promise you that things can and will be okay. You will learn to live as a 'well' person, but it will take time. Hold on to the things that matter to you. The things you love and the things you hate. They are what define you. They are what's important right now.
Please take care of yourself.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
I have loads of positive things I want to put in this thread Romp.
There is so much more to you.
Right now, my head is being silly though, so hopefully for now, a great big kim cuddle will suffice until I can return with more :)
Romp, there is so much more than you are seeing right now. You know where to find me if you wish to talk.
You cant stop being you.
You are the one I love.
You are the one who has supported everyone even on her "bad" days.
You are the one who has filled my mind with dreams of where I am today.
You are not empty.
You are filled with life.
Look out that porch window and see the beauty that you reside.
Look at your daughter and how you live in her.
You seem empty because there is little to nothing left of what you were.
Being recovered or on going recovery means you can fill your mind with wonderful things...including images of self worth, self beauty, figuring out out strong you really are.
I know it has been a very long time Romp, But Woman... my how beautifully wonderful you are!!!!
Wow...thedse replies have atctuallyl brought tears...thak you more than i could ecver say, all of you.
I know i habve come a long way to where i waes.
Im (maybe0 realizing some of my perceptions ar e out of whack, to say l east.
Longf storyu shotr5..accountant who has done outr taxes (some back as welkl)
recommeneded the dfiasality tax thingy..read it thru..thought no way, no point, i simply do no t meet the criteria. Promised H would ask dr anywhay...he saisd yes, agreed to fill them out.
No the only bit i th ought was even remotely was the psychosis bits..but..im not 'psychotic' anmymore..right?
Final;ly picked up the forms and trying to reconcile myseflf to the person portrayed in his replis....its veruy hard and has knocjked me...a lot
Can i really be that deluded? yet still seem 'well"? how is that possibler?
buy all accounts, herer and irl...im 'well'...so how does fit then?
Romp....I don't mean this harshly but your typing is a little squiffy....are you drinking again hun?
I truely do understand how hard it is to see doctors describe you in a way that seems unfamiliar, or even worse, familiar but like a shadow from the past. Please try and remember that just because they have said you are X/Y/Z does not mean you are at the moment or that you will be that way forever. Be kind to yourself Romp xx
I think part of being 'recovered' is realising that you were once very unwell and accepting that and also the possibility that that part of you will never be fully decimated. That does not mean you are not doing 'well' now, just that you still need extra support to stop you becoming *that* ILL again. It does not mean you are deluded at the moment, or that you have not come forward, far from it.
lol ems..'squiffy'...made me laugh.
no, wasn't drinking then. am now, jagerbombs...quite nice
very nice
stereo blaring, got crystal bowersox cd for xams...farmer's daughter is awesone.
guitars,drums,mics and amps are coming out toniught..poor neighbors :P
havent balsted away on them for too long.
figure ****** it all and have fun...yes?
yes
love
xxx
fun is fine lol as long as you are ok as well!
eeeewww for jagerbombs though :S Never liked them personally...more a wine and vodka girl myself. Why do you feel like drinking tonight?
btw..squiffy is an awesome word...more people should be squiffy :P What is happening in Romps's head atm? xxx
Thank you so much for the replies, support. It truly means a lot.
Sorry haven't replied till now...had nothing to say, now I'll probably say too much.
I can't work. That is so so hard to admit/type. Tried several times, twice at a job I liked and was good at. 6 months down the road it totally blows up, warning signs along the way but nothing stops it. It's a contest to what is worse...the falling apart and having to drag out again, or the knowledge that I failed again.
Apparently, I am supposed to accept that I can not work. My doc does not want me to try again, not after the last few times. He was all for it, now he says no way and he will not give me 'clearance' to work either.
The money I was hoping to use for a course...well..it's not going to happen.
With me not working there simply is no extra. Been there before, not a big deal. We will manage, we always do.
So the drinking the other night was in part a late new year's celebration for us (H had food poisoning on the night) and part last time of spending for awhile.
It was so much fun, we were all up till 4 am. So many laughs.
H doesn't want me to try working again either. We had some really good talks the last bit...he's such a wonderful man. I'm so very lucky.
I have looked at volunteer stuff, but again is going to cost money for buses as I no longer drive.
If we could manage to quit smoking, we would be ok...going to try again.
I hate what I have become...a shadow of a person...a shadow of me. Confidence has been knocked too many times, dreams gone, ambition gone.
But, I'm 'fine' because I no longer harm.
I shouldn't feel what i do, because I'm 'better'.
I shouldn't see/hear what I do, because I'm 'medically stabilised'.
All I see ahead of me are more wasted, empty days.
A lifetime filled with failure, of uselessness.
I wish I didn't wake up every morning.
i can't take living this way, no, scrap that...simply 'existing'.
So yes, a pity party for me.
So do something about it right?
yes I know.
Sorry for moaning...i suck at htis...
i almost feel i 'should' be harmimg, then there would be a reason...why not right?
sorry its so long and whiny
thx again for replies
I'm glad you were able to have a good time with your late new year!
It's tough to accept that you can't work, but I don't think that means you have to just 'exist'. It's a lot more difficult when there isn't money for courses etc, and I don't know what (if anything) is provided free in your part of the world.
But often places that take volunteers will refund travel costs, also what about clubs/hobby groups that meet near you? In the UK and South Africa there are local libraries that have lists of local clubs and notice boards where talks and events are advertised. (In fact, libraries often need volunteers if there is one near you...)
There is study material free on the web, but it's a lot more difficult to do at a distance than being able to join a class (e.g. OpenLearn by the Open University - "Study units can take anything from 1-50 hours to work through and are available from introductory to postgraduate level. Each has clear learning outcomes, and many have activities and sample answers to help you assess your progress. If you don't want to study alone, there are plenty of opportunities to connect with other learners online." from http://www.open.ac.uk/openlearn/about-openlearn/try).
But if you know someone with a similar interest perhaps you could work through something together?
Remember, you are valuable because you are you and unique and not replaceable, not because of 'doing stuff'
I agree with the above. I understand that working is a big part of life and of feeling like you're contributing to society and to your family. But it's not the be all and end all! Why don't you try doing some volunteering? Even if it's just a half day a week or so (to start with, certainly). And you have your family which to many people is far more important than work.
xx
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Candy Tetris
Mahjong
Othello
Mumu
