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Blackouts and mess-ups in eqillibriuam (right forum I suppose?)
The physical problem:
For the past few months, I have been having short spells where my vision has blacked out, my head falls to the side and I feel as if I am falling over. Then I catch myself, unaware of what happened and clueless as to what I was doing before having such a reaction. Also, my first real blackout recorded was yesterday morning when, and since I don't remember, my boyfriend was able to provide an insight of what happened. He said that after chatting with my best friend, I shut my laptop and turned off my phone, tossing it aside and curled into a ball, crying and crying going on about how I can't save my best friend and that I am not strong enough... basically rambling. I then closed my eyes and was silent for like ten minutes before I opened them, confused and feeling fine, but confused as to why I had been crying and to this moment I cannot recall a single word of the conversation that triggered my mental breakdown and blackout. Since then, I have had one more small blackout at work with my crappy equilibrium . My boyfriend says that I have changed.... that I am off. I feel like I might have or are developing split personalities or something.... which brings me to hating my real name. Other than that, my anger keeps shooting out of whack. I get annoyed very easily. My depression worsens from day to day and then for a day or two it disappears. And, not to anyone's knowledge, thoughts of suicide cross my mind daily and they seem to be rather welcoming.
The story behind the blackouts:
Well, for the past few months... I have been dealing with a rather emotional best friend. He and I have known each other for about 5 years... and he's loved the entire time from what he says. Currently, I am with someone who makes me very happy and I love very much, but to my heart's discord I also feel the exact same about my best friend. I am torn. Recently, my best friend and I have been fighting a lot more and my boyfriend watches and says that he is the source of my problem. I tried to leave my boyfriend once before to have some time to think but he wouldn't let me go and I caved into his tears. I have talked to him about it a few times but I do not think he gets it. He tries his hardest to help and even made me promise not to leave him. I guess the fighting with the best friend, the constant time around the boyfriend, both of them telling me sort of the same things is just getting to me. It's all very complicated but I don't think I can get any thought time whatsoever for me and my wants and needs.
Solution:
I haven't found a decent one.
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