Firstly, I am just getting over flu. And last week i was away with my boyfriend for 8 days, with interrupted sleep for 7/8 nights, and feeling ill. But i really got scared Sunday night/Monday morning. I woke up at 5.20 and couldnt get back to sleep. I was getting frustrated, and my mind was working overtime thinking of past admissions to hospital when i was 16(even though that was years ago). i was crying, for ages, but trying to keep the noise down so i wouldnt wake my boyfriend. but eventually he woke up and asked what was wrong. but by that stage, i was really frightened. i knew there was someone in the hotel room, in the corner, watching me and him, especially me. even though i was under the duvet (hardly able to breathe) i could feel 'his' eyes on me. when i closed my eyes tight shut, i could see his face, and the hat he was wearing, and how he was just staring at me. when my boyfriend saw i was upset, he switched the lights on, and told me there was no-one there. he told me to calm down. he asked if i wanted him to get his mum/dad, or an ambulance. i mustve really scared him for him to think i needed an ambulance. i had a flannel over my face, but i could see a big eye just on me. it was horrible, that feeling of being watched.
i dont know what caused all that-maybe lack of sleep, or flu-symptoms but it scared me, because ive had similar experiences before and they get worse, and i start getting bizarre thoughts.
i dont really know what i want from this post, but i needed to get it out of me, because its been playing on my mind.
If you'd never had anything like it before, I'd be tempted to chalk it up to hallucinations from running a high temperature with the flu (if you did). As you've had them before - what help/support did you get? Do you have any support (therapist, etc) now? What triggered off / stopped these thoughts before? How long has it been (before this) since you've had these thoughts?
Courage is found in unlikely places — J.R.R. Tolkien
Nothing is written - T. E. Lawrence
If you're going through Hell, keep going – Winston Churchill
All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible — T. E. Lawrence
Thanks for the reply.
Im with the Early Intervention Team but hardly see them now, as i am being discharged in May (only with them for 3 years). I only have a CPN who i see every few weeks, but can contact her whenever i need to. but i dont think she would do much.
Stress, depression and anxiety have triggered off 'scary stuff' before. They stop when im busy/have routine/generally distracted.
I know this sounds really stupid, i know what triggers off and helps deal with these things, as ive had years of experience with 'scary stuff', but i get fed up with having to cope by myself, and wish someone could make it completely go away, without me having to try so much. sometimes i just want to give into it all, and let mental illness take over my life, all over again. i dont even understand why!
i havent had these kind of thoughts for a few months now, not intense since july.
thanks again.
Why are you being discharged if things aren't entirely right still? Is the CPN worth a try at least - maybe she can refer on - or can you call the EI team and arrange to see them sooner?
What makes you want to give in to it?
Courage is found in unlikely places — J.R.R. Tolkien
Nothing is written - T. E. Lawrence
If you're going through Hell, keep going – Winston Churchill
All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible — T. E. Lawrence
With the Early Intervention Team, you only get 3 years. And then im being discharged to my GP. So hardly any support then. Ive been with the services for 6 years now (im 21) so its rather scary.
I want to give in, because it means i dont have to be responsible, i dont have to be a "proper adult", i can be looked after. But the facts are-im not on any medication so i must be well, and i hardly see the services, so i must be well. The EI Team really are proud of how far ive come, and i dont want them to think otherwise.
i want to cut, and havent done that in months :/
You need to tell them all of this. Maybe there is other 'backup' support you can have as a sort of safety net, after you're discharged?
Courage is found in unlikely places — J.R.R. Tolkien
Nothing is written - T. E. Lawrence
If you're going through Hell, keep going – Winston Churchill
All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible — T. E. Lawrence
thanks for your advice and support, it is much appreciated.
yes i think my nurse will be giving me information of other services to use for when i need it.
I just sent my CPN an email, so hopefully she will get it tomorrow.
i am worried to go to sleep, i dont feel like my brains going to shut down.
Hey sorry to hear you're not doing too great, seeing stuff like people watching you can be really scary and can really play on your mind especially when it's at night and you want to go to sleep.
Hopefully sending an email to the CPN might be helpful, they might have some advice on what do if it happens again?
If you want to have a good moan about CAMEO i'll lend an ear, despite the 3 year rule it can't be helpful at all them discharging you if you don't feel fully ready.
Some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money.
They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with.
Some men just want to watch the world burn.
I havent received an email from my CPN so im guessing shes not at work today, ive had to send another one since, because things feel more difficult. Am having dark thoughts, and i cant get out of my own head.
I feel selfish/like im just feeling sorry for myself, when i should just be grateful for the life ive been given. People are so much worse than me, and yet i feel eugh, and low.
The last few years of my life have been consumed by mental illness, its all ive really known, so to be without it, it kinda scares me. Does that sound weird?
I still feel physically ill, but i feel like i need to exercise even though i have little energy, just to destruct. I cut this morning, and i want to do it more.
I hate how i feel, because i have no reason to feel bad.
Its just the new year blues, and i feel pathetic. im not too hopeful about this next year. any more hospital admissions coming my way?
thinking of multi-storey, tablets, and cutting... i hate these thoughts, but i cant get out of this. i feel so low, and just want to hide away.
I don't think the cpn's at cameo are back until next week, or at least that's what my one text me.
Does anything help the dark thoughts at all like reading a book, music, tv? It's not selfish to feel down and sorry, and it's not a competition about whether people are worse. Everyone deserves care and some time :)
If you're still feeling physically ill from the flu don't do too much exercise that you burn yourself out, ease into it, I think everyone needs to take it easy after a bout of the flu! I've never had it myself, but I hear it really knocks people down.
Is there anything that can distract you from thinking about the multi-story and tablets? The multistory in town is a horrible place, the police dragged me down from it not long ago, bad memories. They should knock the place down, save us both from thinking of it then!
Sorry if my post is a bit wishy washy feeling out of it today.
Some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money.
They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with.
Some men just want to watch the world burn.
I find it hard to focus my mind on anything else when ive got dark thoughts going on. But im feeling a little better.
When i read others posts on this site, i do kinda feel stupid, and think what am i complaining about? so i do sometimes get the 'competitive feel' of this site. but it shouldnt be about that. i appreciate any support anyone offers because its so kind to take the time to listen.
I think i need to just stop being so down and thinking of my past. but its hard. i was parked in the multi-storey yesterday, and it made me think :/ im getting some urges..but must resist. it wont achieve anything i know, and yeh security/police will just come.
im sorry youve experienced that too 'Rhuben'. its very traumatic. yeh they should just knock it down-too many deaths, and attempts...
i appreciate your reply, thanks :)
