I've been putting off making this as I'm sick of moaning to people.
I thought things might get better after the miscarriage. People said I'd had my fill of bad luck this year what with the breakdown and hospital admission then a miscarriage which ended up lasting over 2 months.
Boxing day I crashed my car. Slid on thr ice into a bollard. Gave myself whiplash seem to have bruised my bladder tore ligaments in my mams hand. My car which I've only had for few months is quite badly smashed on one front corner and it's going to cost me £500 in excess.
I was teetering on suicidal thoughts before this happened. Now I just want to throw in the towel. I consider muself to be quite resilient mostly. I handle thing. But when they all build up I stop handling them. I'm making a joke out of it like I always do but inside I'm breaking.
I guess a little of that came out yesterday as I oded on some random **** and ended up tripping out big style. It was weird but actually lovely not yo care to just be floaty and relaxed for once.
I haven't told anyone except on here and I don't plan to. It's not going to hurt me. I'm fine now. It's funny after I crashed and I realised I was relatively unscaithed I was actually a bit upset. How sick is that? That I wanted to be fatally injured. I've thought like that a lot recenty.
The voices are still going strong. Apparently their trauma voices but that doesn't really help me. They still hurt.
I don't know what to do anymore. I know in getting Ill again but I don't feel like I can be fixed so why bother trying?
im really sorry about your car wreck. but i do understand the feeling of being upset about not being injured more or even fatally.
i know you dont want to go into a hospital. no one ever really does. but if you feel yourself coming to that point again....then please tell someone that can help you.
also, you are NOT moaning. what you are saying is completely valid and needs tending to.
im sorry im short on words today.
please know that i care.
please take care of yourself.
much love.
xxxxxxxxxx
Why don't you think you can be fixed? What made you decide to stop taking your medication? Do you think that has made a difference?
Have you spoken to your team about what is going on? The crash, your thoughts about it, the random OD etc? Do you normally talk to them about that sort of thing? If not then it sounds like maybe you really need to start doing so.
You are still grieving for your miscarriage, it sounds like you have a lot going on and sometimes the 'smallest' extra stress can be enough to make things seem unmanageable. I think you need to ask for help though rather than shutting yourself down, although I do truely understand how appealing that is. You are not beyond help.
Rach (? I think?) i know i don't need hospital at the minute. I still have a certain amount of perspective i guess which i know i didnt have before. Plus all my bad thoughts and generally not specific and stuff just more general musings. I dunno.
Pomegranite (sorry i dont know your name) my meds had to be lowered because i went a little high on them and since they were lowered they pretty much had no effect on my mood, since i've come off them my mood hasn't really changed at all except i'm now sleeping better. I will admit though there are a few bad thoughts related to stopping my tablets.
I havent seen my therapist for a few weeks but i am pretty honest with her so i will tell her about the OD and other stuff but i know i'm not making really any progress in therapy which is probably my own fault.
I guess i have been shutting down a little especially from the people who are closest to me which i know is a bad sign although i did have a good cry yesterday although i couldnt explain why. Hmmmf.
I just feel pretty exhausted right now. I'm having a relaxing day though which i dont often allow myself so yeah :)
Thank you both for replying and for the hugs, they mean a lot xxx
I think a relaxing day is a great idea. What have you been doing to relax today? There is nothing wrong with crying. Do you have any idea why you might be closing off from people? Is there anyway you could use your family as r/l support until you see your therapist? Maybe they could take some of the practical responsibilities of life off you to let your head have time to mentally restrengthen after Christmas and all the extra stress that comes along with that? I know it seems a small thing but Christmas and New Year can really trigger memories and bad thoughts about things that have been and things that could have been but weren't. It is easy to get stuck on them and forget to live in the present and look forward as well.
I don't know what your last post is about but for what it is worth and however trite it may sound, I've seen quite a lot of your posts around RYL and I am glad he didn't 'finish you off'.
Today i've mostly just been lying around, eating crap, on computer, watching tv. I close off from people when things get a bit sucky, i'm not good at talking to people i'm close to such as family. I just can't talk to them even when i try. There's not many practical things they can do really as i'm back to work on Tuesday. I dunno i just need to sort myself out.
My last post is just a random thought. Just a rant i guess.
I don't feel like I can be fixed so why bother trying?
But you can Sam!! And whats more, if you think back, you know it too.
It might be painful, but think back to before the miscarriage, to when you first found out you were pregnant. Suddenly, things were happy and sparkly. The out look seemed good. Things were fixed, so to speak and you were heading in the right direction.
You know me, I am a great believer of everything for a reason. I do think that there are many many reasons behind what is going on, even if they are not obvious at the moment. Think about it, you were at a really bad place when you got the news of the pregnancy, but you managed to pull out of that place. Perhaps, the news, was a way of you gaining some future perspective. Kind of a way of showing you, that yes, things can get better, that there is so much hope out there for you. That it is possible to get everything that you want. Perhaps it was a way of your body and mind preparing for what the future might hold.
You dont know what can happen tomorrow, but things can change drastically. But you have to still be here for them to change and more so, you need to look after your body and your mind.
I know that things have been sucky for you, and I really wish they were not. But all we can do is hope that tomorrow things suck a little less.
Perhaps, it is also worth talking to Simon about how you are feeling. If I remember right, you had a lot of support not so long ago, to make sure there was always someone around with you. Perhaps, you could do with a little more again at the moment. But this time, be sensible with it and you dictate how much. But gather that support in, lean on it, depend on it. And Sam, the crash wasnt your fault, this ice is horrible and even the best of the best drivers are having trouble on it.
I guess the crash is just another thing to stress/ worry about.
I don't know. I just feel like its all falling in on me. I've been sidelined in my job and as much as people keep trying to tell me its a promotion i know its not. Its not really even a step sideways its a step down. I'm trying to pretend it doesn't bother me but it really really does.
I'm trying to look forward to the house move and stuff but there's the constant nagging feeling of something bad happening. I just want one thing to work out.
Sam, am so sorry you are having such a **** time. *hugs*
Pls try not to isolate, easier said than done, I know.
Does S know how you are feeling?
When do you see your T again?
Why do you feel you are making no progress in therapy?
Maybe you have simply hit a patch where you need to 'recharge' for a bit, esp with all you have just gone thru in such a short time span.
As to work...is it only your perception/feeelings that it is a step down?
Here anytime you need ok?
xxx
I don't think anyone knows just quite how bad thongs have gotten in my head. I cant ask forchelp. I'm not helping mysefl. How can o aka otera for support when I'm not doing anything to help myself.
My head is killing. I'm trying to go sleep but it's not working.
I've gotten myself quote upset over stupid thongs tonight. I need to pull myself together. Sort my self put. I'm pathetic.
You are far from pathetic Sam. Give yourself a little credit. You have made it this far and can tell the difference of if you need to be in or not. As Romp said, try not to isolate yourself. You say work is more like a step down...maybe the promotional step down is something you need. There is always room for improvement...kick that door down to the bigger room..you never know what you will find behind that door.
Sam you said it yourself, that things are not going great and you need help.
So please GET HELP!!!!
Start with simon, pull in some family support, speak to your GP and look for some voluntary therapy thype of things. You can do this sam, but you are going to have to reach out and tell people as scary as that may seem.
rain thank you for your reply. the step down is probably something i need but my managers promised this would be in my control and it isnt and i guess that what upset me.
Kim, i keep trying to talk to Simon i really do, i go to open my mouth and nothing comes out. I got really upset last night but he'd gone to sleep, again the same thing happened this morning in the car. I always seem to subconciously hold it together until im alone and then i fall apart. even when i try show people im upset it just doesnt happen.
I'm slightly worried about Thursday but again i can't really moan as i've gotten myself into this situation and i'm not helping myself. I admit i've sort of admitted defeat and stopped trying.
Listen to Kim, she may be a bubble bath drinking freak but she speaks sense!
You nay not think it but i care loads. Always have and always will. Its why i get so frustrated with you. Its hard watching someone you care for destroy themselves.
Please listen to them.
Much love
Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
