Hi...I really need advise...
last months have been hard dealing with depression as aftermath of sexual assult and couple of other things all of which somehow happened in a period of year and a half.
I tried to be strong, prove that I can deal with everything. I didn't so I was really depressed for months. I'm doing good lately, but in the process...in the process of grieving and being depressed and dealing I did things that I now regret. Most of those I don't REALLY regret because they're things I can fix- like the reddish color I dyed my hair in when I was trying to move on, or the big mess I made of my house once I stopped caring about anything besides crying and sleeping.
So now, I can fix those, surely, same with the weight I gained and all else. But there is more. I also started doing sort of online job with writing something that I was supposed to do for 2 weeks, and I did about half, and that was around the time I truly stopped caring, so it felt impossible to do the job.
Few weeks later it felt possible for things to get better, I apologized for disappearing and continued to work, but 2 days later things went down again and I haven't done this job for another 3 weeks.
Now I am scared of continuing, because I'll have to apologize again, and I have no valid excuse, and more than that I'm scared to go back to finish the job because it pulls me back to the feelings of desperation and depression, and I was really over them, but I just got out of this terrible terrible months and somehow, doing this job even if I have the chance to finish, whether they pay me or not...it seems hard, it hurts my brain thinking about it...
It's been 3 weeks...at times I just want to forget about it. They will find someone better for the job, it's online job after all, I will move on do something else be happy.
Then I think I can't be truly happy knowing I have taken commitment and not finished my end of the deal. After all, I am not that person. Not that doing this once makes me this kind of person, but when I let it come from the dark corners of my brain, I feel guilty, so guilty it hurts. But then, doing that job, while it is not permanent- it will probably take me a week if I really try- does really hurt too, because every second reminds me I was depressed, I let myself slide and forget everything, I let myself be this cheating person not doing what I have promised.
So I feel bad either way, but at this point I have to stop hiding and decide something. My life is finally getting better, I can't afford depression again not now, but I feel leaving this job behind will make me feel really good in a way, and really bad in another, because for once I would have been the bad person in the story, knowing, I would've chosen this.
My mind is spinning...what do I do? What do I do?
My Blog about Trauma & Recovery:http://seekingafrica.wordpress.com/
"It's astonishing, numbing, to find out that inside you, there is a stranger. One that has your arms, your legs, your eyes. A sleepless, restless stranger, who keeps walking, keeps eating, keeps living..." The Brave OneMovie(2007)
You've a lot to grieve after being assaulted. It is totally natural you'd feel depression, sadness, etc as part of that. Your well being is important. There are many organisations that offer support for people in your situation.
10x both, but I'm ok. It wasn't....I guess I wasn't completely clear...Going to GP is sort of wasted concept, the...thing...what happened, it was a year ago, and it was a guy I knew, we weren't exactly dating but it was my second date with him, so...For a loooong while after that I always thought it was my fault, though I had very clearly said no many many times, but...my point is, I was hurt, I was ashamed and I broke up with him, though he was sort of stalking me and begging me to forgive him for a while after-finding me wasn't hard, as we are in uni, and the campus is coed. However, he was on exchange and he left back for his country couple months after, and I was left to deal with the aftermath of it. So naturally after a year you'd think I'd be fine right...anyway, now, finally, year and a half later, after sooo many things, after being depressed, I'm finally getting better, I'm doing really good lately.
My question is what do I do with the unfinished job I have. If I don't finish it, what person does that make me? But if I do, it reminds me every second of how I felt when I was depressed...so what do I do with that?
With the rest I can deal, I can, I'm strong...
X
My Blog about Trauma & Recovery:http://seekingafrica.wordpress.com/
"It's astonishing, numbing, to find out that inside you, there is a stranger. One that has your arms, your legs, your eyes. A sleepless, restless stranger, who keeps walking, keeps eating, keeps living..." The Brave OneMovie(2007)
If you think that leaving your job would help you to move on, then it is definitely worth trying. Loads of people change jobs, so don't worry about it.
You don't have to deal with your situation alone and being 'strong' isn't always a good idea.
I think that talking through what happened could really help, but you know your own situation and what helps. Anything that makes you feel depressed for so long must have been traumatic.
