Really struggling...

[bloodredangel]

I'm halfway through a section 3 and put in an appeal a couple of weeks ago. I was doing really well at lying and convicing them i'm find till my psychiatrist found out and told me that there was no way i'd win the appeal given my current state of mind. I didn't want to appeal anyway cos i'm scared of the whole tribunal thing but felt I might as well try, but now I know i've no chance. The only way i'll ever get out of hospital is by killing myself as I have no intention of getting better and haven't made any progress over the past seven months i've been in hospital and the only reason I want to get out is so I can kill myself.
I'm hopefully getting home leave tomorrow night as I haven't told the staff how i'm feeling (they don't tend to believe me and have made unhelpful comments in the past eg. If you want to die so much why haven't you done so already. Which has led to failed overdoses and wrist cutting in the past which they get annoyed about as they could be helping others.)
However I have some very strong medication at home as I found out where my parents have been hiding it (they don't know I know) and i've made plans to od tomorrow night.
I don't want to be selfish and was going to wait a week or so as it's my mother's birthday on new years day and loads of family are coming up, but I really can't take this anymore. I can't go on living, it's too hard and i've run out of energy trying.
Sorry for taking up so much space - I know that other people are much worse off than me. I just needed to let it off my chest. Sorry.

[havealittlefaith]

*hugs* is there anyone you trust enough to tell how your feeling ?? .. please don't do anything think how your mum would feel!! .. I know it doesn't always seem like it will get better but try to imagine that one day it will or what you would like your life to be like.. If it helps keep posting here and if you wanna talk I'm only a pm away.. Please take care.. Much love xx

[distant_yellow]

*hug* First of all, you are not taking up space on the boards... I am really glad that you posted. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. It seems like you are in a really tough situation, but if you want to PM me I would love to talk to you.

[bloodredangel]

Thanks for the support guys.
I always feel like i'm wasting their time when I tell them things like this so i've just given up on talking to them to be honest.
I don't want to do this to my mother, but I really can't take this anymore.

[Uglyducklin]

Hi hun Im sorry you are struggling and that staff have been unhelpful.Please find a nurse you trust and tell them your intentions.It takes time to feel better.Sorry not to be much use.Thinking of youx

[crazykat]

I know you feel like there is no way out but suicide isn't an option. Suicide leaves behind a whole lot of pain and it is permanent. What your feeling can be worked through but people can't help you unless you help yourself. Telling them what is going on is the first step in the right direction. Perhaps it is worth working on what is causing you to feel that bad that you would want to take your life? Please hold on there
Kat xxx