Where does the illness end? - updated after seeing the psychiatrist
I’m bipolar. I have manias which rapidly become psychotic and totally out of control, terribly mixed phases of intense agitation, and deep depressions which are (occasionally) also psychotic.
For years now I have been aware that I have an angel of death and an angel of life.
My angel of death is a young girl who is extremely unwell with anorexia nervosa. I first started seeing her when I was anorexic too. My angel of life is a large white bird. I first saw Him when I was in Liverpool. I had this fantastic (!) idea of stealing a rowing boat and rowing across the river Mersey, but he appeared and it was like I was flying with him – I could feel the excitement, every dive, the joy of flight. He now appears during times of great happiness or contentment, but not necessarily when I’m manic. I also get times where my head ‘pulses’ – my surroundings shift and move away. It’s hard to explain. The closest I can get is that it’s like taking off and landing in rapid succession. It makes me feel sick. Colours, too, change regularly. Sometimes things are just so, incredibly green. Colour becomes so intense.
I’m confused. Are these things real? Are they part of my illness? I’m not religious at all, but both angels are real. I’m sure of it. My confusion is that I see them when I’m not in a ‘mood episode’. I see them when my mood is stable, too. I’m scared my psychiatrist will think I’m mad or delusional. I’m not.
Ick. I really don’t know what I’m asking. I’m just not sure anymore what is real and what is not. The psychosis I have when I’m ill is extreme, to the point where I’m hallucinating extremely strange things, I get mind blanks and get extremely confused. These angels aren’t like that.
I don’t know what to think.
Some of the best decisions of my life have been made when I’m manic. Also some of the worst. I hate having this because of the mixed episodes and the depressions, but in another way I feel privileged. I’ve done and experienced some incredible things. I’ve flown with an angel. I've touched God and felt omnipotence. I have experienced unadulterated joy.
I’m so confused with how to feel about all this.
I’m so sorry if this makes no sense.
Last edited by mikey : 29-12-2010 at 04:38 PM.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Do the angels you see have any negative impacts upon your behaviour? If their presence is a neutral thing is it necessary to consider them part of an illness and thus attempt to treat them?
When I told my psychiatrist about the shadows I see I was hastily put on antipsychotics to 'treat them'. Now I'm no longer sure it was the best option, their presence was a neutral thing really, neither excessively negative nor positive, thus is it necessary to treat them?
How does it make you feel when you see the angels?
Some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money.
They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with.
Some men just want to watch the world burn.
The angel of life comforts me. It makes me feel joyful and priviliged.
The angel of death frightens me a little, because she is blatently so unwell and she just stares at me unblinkingly.
But overall, I suppose, they enrich my life.
Oh, I forgot to add I'm on an antipsychotic already (for the mood-stabilising effect), although it's only a low dose.
Last edited by mikey : 27-12-2010 at 04:28 PM.
Reason: added a bit
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Archetypes are real parts of the psyche. I won't go all Jungian on you, but it's a thought to ponder. We all carry symbols for light and dark. It's what you do with them [as my therapist says] that matters, and also how extreme they are.
It seems like freedom is a key issue for you - what does it mean to you, what do you do with it when you're healthy, and when you're unwell?
As an example, although maybe slightly off point, so forgive me if so, when I was very unwell with severe depression [pre diagnosis] I had a dream where a knight put a lance through my heart and killed me, and an angel brought me back to life. This was around the time where I was ignoring a gas smell, which turned out to be a major gas leak from my boiler! I did get it looked at in the end, but things could have been ... devastating. But *something* seemed to have been protecting me.
Katie, I have no idea how you figured it out but yes, freedom is extremely important to me.
I suppose what's brought these thoughts up is that I'm seeing the psychiatrist again tomorrow. I'm not sure whether to bring it up or not. I'm not sure whether these experiences mean that I'm ill, or if they could be 'normal'.
I'm not even sure if I could tell her about them. They are extremely personal and they feel like a secret, something just for me. Does that make sense?
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
I have no idea about if you should be bringing up the angels to your therapist.
I can relate to the feeling of having something personal, & sometimes we anthramorphise our feelings, this could be the angels. or at least thats wha i'm told. try not to worry if it's normal or not, but how you feel about them, if they scare or worry you then i'd say something.
then again, i really owuldn't take advice from me. :S
I saw her today and told her everything. Not just about the angels but other things like how overwhelming noises and colours are, and how I don't know sometimes what's real and what's not, and how I'm struggling with some of the things I've experienced when I've been ill (especially the psychotic stuff). She said she didn't think I was mad, just that my moods are 'vivid'. She also said she thought I was stressed and that my eating (or lack of) was a concern and likely affecting my mind. Which is probably true. They are getting the ED lady involved too as I've never had any treatment for my eating problems.
Thanks for all the kind words and advice, I really appreciate it
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Yes, she is. She's lovely too. I know psychiatrists have the reputation of being a bit 'cold', but she is actually very personable. Which makes it much easier to talk to her.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Mikey, I'm glad that your team are helpful. These things that people like us see are not always bad - I have a Guardian Angel who comes and goes. Sorry if I'm not much help
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
Thanks Oly. It does help that other people see things like this too. And yes, I'm extremely grateful for all the help and support I've had. I feel very fortunate actually.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Mikey - I know the feeling - I'm extremely grateful for my support too. Tbh without support I think I'd be on the streets or dead by now
How are you today?
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
I would be dead without the support and help I've had, there's no doubt in my mind about that.
I'm okay today, thank you. Very tired actually. I had to have my blood taken this morning, but the nurse was very kind (even though she knew about my MH problems). How are you today?
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
