Adult - confusion. advice appreciated.

[-Stewie-]

I'm confused about the relationship I am in.

We have been together for almost 3 years now. There have been a lot of ups and downs but things are largely fine now. He's my best friend, not just my boyfriend anymore.

We have a lot in common and care about each other a lot. When we do actually do things, I have a lot of fun and so does he. Also, we're quite happy in each other's company just sitting around, we don't *have* to go out and do stuff.

But I get really bored sometimes. Going out is such a massive effort because it's largely all about me coming up with something to do. Sitting around, a lot of the time it's in total silence. He only really becomes animated on conversation front when we're doing something else, it's like he can't just sit and talk and just talk, nothing else. Unless there's an issue, that is. Like I said, the silences aren't uncomfortable, we're both happy to just "be", but after sometimes close to hours at a time, it gets boring and I'm totally worn out always having to start conversations and come up with stuff to do.

The other thing is sex. The short version of this is that I'm unsatisfied. Up until last week, I felt really bad about it, I thought it made me a slut. But now, I genuinely don't think it does.

I don't even know how to start explaining it. With sex, it's like it begins as something that's just irritating and then it grows into an actual issue as your mind plays games with you and leads you to believe all kinds of rubbish.

I think the heart of the problem away from my mind's exaggerations is that whenever he wants sex, he gets sex and I'm happy to do whatever. He is not the same. Shoe on the other foot, if he's not in the mood, he's not in the mood. I have tried to take the same stance, but I guess in a sense I am a bit of a slut in that I like it too much to brush him off >.<

Exaggerations included, I think the fact he's my first and I'm his god know what affects it. I'm more enthusiastic cos it's new whereas he's been there and done it. Saying that we've been together nearly 3 years so I can hardly consider myself inexperienced anymore and also I doubt sex drive really changes, he's likely always been like this towards it. So I should shut up overthinking.

I don't know how to go about dealing with this. I tried talking to him about the sex issue and he just turned around and was like what so you just want me for sex, that's effectively what you just said =/

Which upset me, cos like I think I've explained clearly enough above, that is not true and the thought shouldn't even have crossed his mind if he actually knew me.

He is tired a lot of the time, which I think is the root cause of everything mentioned here. He works full time, which nothing can be done about on one hand, but on the other if he's always tired, it's going to drive me away.

Yes there's the sex, if he's too tired it's not going to happen, but more importantly then that there's the boredom; sometimes when I'm talking to him he just lies on me with his eyes closed- like he's still listening and he talks back but he can't keep his eyes open cos he's so tired. Then he yells at me for being wide awake and says I'm selfish.

I can't say a bad thing about his precious job, and he's not one to ever take anything he considers "the blame", so how the hell do I discuss this with him and is it even worth it?

I don't understand how I am meant to develop a relationship that changes according to how tired he is; that one minute can make me so happy and the next bores me to tears/makes me feel all kinds of bad things about myself when he's not up for sex?

Help?

edit: also, I spoke to my sister about this, who said maybe he has gotten 'comfortable' in that he is content with me and knows how much I love him so knows I am not going anywhere so doesn't feel the need to make any kind of effort with me anymore. what do people think of this?

[teenytineytori]

I have been a relationship for quite a while and have had the slump thing happen. We sit around doing the same old thing on the internet wathing tv, reading etc not really doing anything.

The only way to solve that is to go do something. I know it can be tiresome to be the one to come up with something all of the time, but maybe you could join a bowling league or a pinochle league or something that is something you will get out and do every week without really thinking about it.

As for the sex thing... maybe next time you approach him for sex and he says he does not want it. Tell him it hurts your feelings and makes your feel slutty. (Which it is not) Maybe that can open up the dialogue in a different way. Although, I am no expert on this sex thing I have a whole slew of issues with sex in my relationship so I may not be giving the best advice.

I hope things work out for you. And your sister sounds like she might be onto something

[ljmeep]

I totally understand the whole I give it to him when he wants it, but if he's not in the mood i'm screwed (or not as the case may be) thing. I've been married to "my first" for 5 years and have a lot of the same issues. I do think that your sister might be right in that he is "comfortable" in the relationship and therefore may not feel the need to "try". I know it's true in my home. I think it's common for men to get "comfortable" as it may be and think that they no longer have to "try" to keep the relationship growing and moving in the right direction. I wish I had a solution, but seeing as I'm in the same boat.. I don't think I can be of much help. I just want you to know you're not alone and that wanting sex when he doesn't and being upset over it does NOT make you a slut. *hugs*

[-Stewie-]

thank you both for advice and thoughts =]

I have been dwelling on this, as I knew would happen, and all of a sudden there's a range of stuff around the 'comfortable/not making an effort' idea.

This even extends to the fact that although I am currently in London at uni, my family live in Birmingham, and the future of the relationship after uni is based on whether or not I can stay in London. In a sense this is not an issue as I love London and do want to permanently live there, I've always hated it in Birmingham. Also there is the money issue for him as there is for me. But it's like I'm the one stressed and desperately trying to get onto a postgrad course in London and secure funding; he hasn't even considered lifting a finger to try and sort money out himself so if I can't stay there's a chance he can come with me. Is this the overexaggeration talking or am I right in thinking that's not really right?

I think I just need to take a deep breath and tell him outright that he needs to make an effort with me all the time, not just when things go tits up. Not because I want him to think I don't love him and that I'm going to run off but because he loves me and I'm worth making the effort for.

But on the other hand, while I say I don't want him thinking I'm going to run off I think it does need making clear that if he keeps taking me for granted, one day I won't be there anymore.

I've got what I need to say, it just borderlines a little mixed message?