i'm really sorry for posting so much lately, but it really helps sometimes to get other people's slant on things, or hear about their experiences.
i've been with my girlfriend for just over a year. i love her, and when things are going well they really work. but i know i lean on her too much when i'm low, and i take it out on her when it isn't her fault. or i do stupid things, like drinking when i *know* i am in the wrong frame of mind, and then saying horrible things to her. on a few occasions i've been violent towards her- it's something i'm not proud of and am trying constantly to make up for and repair (and i know how this sounds. but i do love her). the thing is, i've noticed something that i've never really felt before- i don't understand why it is happening, and i would like to stop it, because i know it is unfair but i can't seem to. i've been feeling really, really jealous. i'm not sure it's the right word- i don't think she's seeing anyone else, or anything like that. but when she goes out without me i feel upset. if she stays after work for a few drinks, i feel like hurting myself. there's a few times when i've known i'm not well enough to stay out- a few nights ago, i had work at 6.a.m, and a cold, and the beginnings of depression seeping in, but i made myself stay out with her, with bad consequences, because i coiuldn't stand the thought of her being out with people, without me. i know it's wrong. i know it's healthy for us both to get out and do other things. i know it doesn't mean she loves me less, i know it doesn't mean she loves other people more. but i panic, almost every time. i try to keep it out of my voice when she calls because i'm ashamed of being so needy, and because it is unfair to make her feel worried when she's only doing what's normal. i get scared she is lying to me- not about anything big, just little things which is almost worse because i work myself up wondering why she would lie about something stupid. after a discussion the other day i told her a little of this because i didn't want her to think that i act the way i do out of pure spite. she said 'i know you can't help not feeling good, but i'm not your babysitter. this relationship is turning into a bit of a chore'. i know, i know it is. i'm too clingy, i'm too scared alone. it isn't fair on her. i feel stupid all the time because of it. i paln everything around her. also i am terrified to ever admit she can ever do anything wrong- i never want to criticise her because of how i've hurt her before and because i love her- but then i get drunk or angry and every small thing i hold back comes out. f***, i find myself thinking of horrible and hurtful things to say sometimes, things i don't even mean, and then i find myself saying them to her... it's sick and i always promise myself i will leave if it happens again. i love her too much to keep doing this.
after an incident this week she asked me to stay away longer than planned for christmas, and i understand... just the thought of it makes me scared and want to hurt myself. why do i keep doing this?
***update***
again... last night i spoke to her and she said she was at home etc. and this morning she said she was up til 2 reading. i have no reason to disbelieve that. no reason to doubt it at all, so why do i feel as if she is lying? i *know* she isn't- or if she is, i know it isn't a big deal... just another example of not being right. and i'm so scared... i said i would use an amazon voucher i got for christmas to get some books for the flat that we both read, and she said not to worry, just spend it on myself- and i am now convinced that this is because she is going to chuck me out when i get back, that she has finally had enough. not that i blame her. i'm getting so wound up and panicky. scared about new year and trying not to drink on NYE so i don't do anything stupid/ wrong. unsure i can do it, but i know i have to, or risk losing her again.
Last edited by dollpart : 28-12-2010 at 02:44 PM.
Reason: update
i dont know why you keep doing this, but there is a huge amount of insecurity here and you need to get to the bottom of this. I think it shows tremendous courage to have written what you have. It cant have been easy.
I understand the need to be loved and i believe you are cpable of and do love her, however i am worried that your mental state is not right for a relationship now.
I think you need to delve deep and perhaps get some help on this. Going down the path you are on is not fair on either of you. There seems high risk of both mental and physical abuse and that is something that shouldnt be allowed to continue.
Take the time apart to reflect. If you love her you will do the right thing. Take time to talk and then choose whats right.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
i am so scared of losing her. and at the same time i know that it's scarier to keep hurting her the way i have. it's horrible posting this here because i know some of the things i have done are some of the reasons people are on here... if that makes sense. i've been getting help but im always scared progress will be too slow to keep up- that i will find the roots of my behaviour when i have already lost her, or hurt her too much. im just so scared right now.
Sorry to bring this thread up again but it's literally just getting worse and worse- I am blowing all my chances with her. I ache, physically ache, when she leaves me alone and it makes me a horrible person. Sometimes it makes me literally suicidal. I feel like i'm breaking up inside. I ended up in A&E on my birthday because of this inability to just cope like an adult... it is making me hate myself and I just don't know what to do.
Have you tried going out with other people when she goes out with people? A night out where you have a good time and are distracted from her being out might help some.
Or maybe talk it out and take a break from each other (not so much a break up but where you don't put so much pressure on either of you and not so much where you can get pushed to hard with the upset, etc and without the abuse there) to get the time to get in a better place... Set a specific amount of time for it (like 2 weeks or something) and work on the issues with a professional during that time and then talk it over with her and see if it has helped any...
I'm sorry, I really don't have anything else new to contribute... *hugs* I hope it works out for you two.
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
thank you... really appreciate the reply. need all the input i can get right now. i think a break would be healthy but we live together, so it's not really do-able. i'm trying really hard to keep my emotions in check because i know they aren't rational... maybe part of the problem is, i don't really have that many friends where we live-im not from here and the people i knew at uni have mainly grown up and moved away. so i feel stuck. and being unemployed i really don't have a lot of money to blow either... plus trying so hard not to drink too much because it's got me in a scary amount of trouble, so the safest thing seems to be staying in the flat, but it just hurts all the time. thanks again.
Anything you like to do that isn't around alcohol or that is free/low cost?
I like to dance for example but if I were avoiding alcohol I'd pass on the bars and go to a no alcohol club or a drug/alcohol free rave in the area... or maybe join a reading group/book club at the library, low cost art class, etc etc.
Or even buy an art pad and let your mind wander and just let your hand do it's own thing for a while... This can be quite effective and therapeutic/relaxing. When I do this it's like I leave my mind and someone else just takes over my hand and I can just sit there and draw for hours on end :) but on the other-hand sometimes I sit in a manner that gets quite achy after a while. One time when I got up it was like my joints forgot they were supposed to move lol I had been sitting on the floor hunched over the art pad for 5 hours!
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
those are all really good ideas. will try and get my confidence up a bit and look into doing things like that... thanks, this is positive input. laugh at the achy drawing positions, i do that writing sometimes.
Ah see, there you go! Writing groups! LOL I don't end up achy writing because I type all mine... :)
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
how are you doing now? have you taken a look into any of these ideas? im just bringing this up again because i think it is very important that you don't let this issue fall by the wayside. i can tell that you want to change the situation but i am worried that you are not in the state to do it alone. perhaps you could have another talk to your girlfriend and explain that you know things aren't right the way they are, but you need encouragement to help you do the things that will help the situation.
i must admit, not long ago i could have written the origional post myself. the thing that helped me the most was spending time withother people in my hostel, starting a journal and getting back into painting. of all those things i found the journal the most helpful. whenever i was getting upset i would try and step back and write down exactly what i was thinking and feeling. then i would break it down to the very fragments of what i was feeling until i could identify the thoughts that were causing me so much distress. then i would write a list of arguments for and against these ideas, but i only allowed myself to put down rational arguments.
personally, i found this very useful. however it was quite intense sometimes and i always needed to make sure i had something safe i could do afterwards to relax, like taking a bath or reading a book. sometimes after i would explain to my partner the conclusions i had come to and that helped him have an insight into what was really going on for me instead of just dealing with sudden outbursts.
sorry this was so long lol
please ignore if you don't find it useful
Thanks so much for the reply. It's something I'm still struggling with. I'm trying to make positive steps, not let it fall by the wayside, as you said... because it would be easy now that things seem "OK" just to slip back into not doing anything about it... but that might lead me back into the same old patterns and I can't really let that happen, either.
The journal is a really good idea. Writing things down has helped me in the past... that kind of journal sounds really useful. How did you set it out? Are things better for you now?
I'm going to a writer's group tomorrow, hoping getting out will help. And volunteering. Sometimes it's a struggle 'cos money's tight, i don't want my gf to think I'm just squandering it, need to be able to explain that it's the best way I can help myself, to get away.
how did the writers group go? my journal, well i bascially just got a book and started writing whatever comes to mind, at first it was hard...and then there was a flood of thoughts i just couldnt help but write down. and now there's a steady flow of things that i write and go over and dissect untill i can identify whats going on. i also put random stuff in there too, random articles, quote, pics, collages. just whatever
thanks. i'm going to try it. writer's group was really good, it was pretty small but that made it easier. and they anonomysed all the work, gave each person someone else's piece to read, which was cool.
