stress at work

CagedBird · 22-12-2010, 11:09 PM

I just wanted to post to get this off my chest. Due to the Christmas period my therapist has gone away and we're not seeing each other for what feels like an eternity so I have absolutely noone to talk to.

Anyway, I've noticed a dip in my mood over the last few days...you'd think a few days wouldn't really be that bad...but everyday seems to stretch till the end of time when I'm down so yeh it feels longer than it perhaps has been. Must remember that!

I'm having a seriously bad time at work. My manager and I do not get on at all, and it has gotten to the point where we're having meetings to 'clear the air' and I've requested to change line managers. I do not like her at all, because although I'm aware she doesn't mean to intentionally hurt me, she does and she triggers so much inside me. So yesterday, for other reasons not related to my manager, I cried in the car on the way to my other place of work and today, yet again, I sat in the office on my own (after my manager had left) and cried again. I'm so exhausted of feeling this way!!

My therapist thinks that I'm thinking extremely about this work issue (i've done something that she has in the past implied is excessive) but to me what i've done isn't extreme, these issues are very very stressful and I think i'm being very sensible....in all honesty I would impulsively quit my job tomorrow if I could. But i'm trying keeping my sensible head on as much as possible...although that is really getting harder to do!

I seem to cause this hassle wherever I go, I always seem to be singled out as the 'trouble-maker'. Of course with this stress and the usual Christmas stress, my thinking has gone straight to self harm and suicidal thoughts. I'm pretty much at the point of cutting now... what I mean is that the tension is at breaking point and I have no idea how to get through the next few days at work let alone Christmas without cutting. I feel so damn alone.

I'm aiming for Friday right now because thinking beyond that is too much. Christmas day itself is not even on my mind. If I get through tomorrow and the changes on Friday then that's good. It's so pathetic that when I get to this point I allow myself to cut because it would be more of a punishment not to do so. I don't think I'd be able to cope with the stress levels without some release...

Trace85 · 23-12-2010, 05:18 PM

Hey,
I know the feeling I havent seen my therapist in a week and half because of the snow and got another 11 days to go until we can meet again, you not alone. If you need anyone to talk to and get stuff off your chest I really dont mind? Im new to this so Im not entirely sure what is going on and who is who but I am a quick learner - Im sure I'll catch on :)

Trace

CagedBird · 25-12-2010, 12:19 AM

Thanks Trace I appreciate that, same to you too. I made it to friday! I'm really pleased with myself that I got here despite crying myself to sleep last night. I'm with family tonight (obviously, with it being Christmas Eve etc) and I've told my parents I'm low so they are being really supportive. It was good to have family as a distraction today and I'm so happy I have 10 days off work! I'm planning to distract myself as much as possible over the next few days...I do not want to think at all for as long as possible! I hope everyone has a good Christmas, it is hard when you feel low, it makes you feel all the more lonely....I hope everyone takes care.

pea soup · 25-12-2010, 05:20 AM

im really happy that youre feeling better :) plus you have alot of time off work. its always nice when family is supportive.

again, im so happy that you are in a comfortable place right now.

have a great Christmas :)

much love.
xxxxxxxxxx

CagedBird · 29-12-2010, 07:41 PM

Thanks peasoup, I appreciate your kindness and good wishes!

I've had a good few days and have managed to shut my mind off. Unfortunately with the Christmas period being nearly over (e.g. family drifting away back home to their lives) the stress has started to build again. The hopelessness can get pretty suffocating sometimes.

But ironically I'm very irritated right now. I've retreated to my 'room' and plugged my headphones in and turned up the volume. Right now hearing my family is causing intense irritation....no reason why.....just for some reason it feels like they are invading me and it's claustrophobic. Urg.

I've just finished a glass of wine though which has been helpful in slowing down the feeling that my heart is being crushed by a great weight....

I'm going back to the GP this week to discuss how this month has been. I always find it hard to answer that question because it is so up and down. I would really like something for the anxiety/stress but I'm not sure there is anything other than the AD i'm already on. I'm really scared about going back to work and coping again. Holidays don't last forever...i hate that!....I'm thinking maybe I should seriously consider quitting my job and running away from the fear. I'm sure I could get at least a temporary one to keep me going....if it weren't for financial commitments I would drop this job in a heartbeat. Maybe I just should.