suicide, if you dont actually do any action?
What, I mean, is for example, would it still be classed as suicide, if I were to die from complications of a medical condition, but I had not, taken action to stop the complications?
Things are strange. I dont feel depressed, not like I used to in the all out hatred and self destruction method. I just feel sad, sad and tired of everything. I am keeping up this barrier, thay says everything is great, but it is having a toll on me. And its not just me. My family are being driven crazy with worry and stress and fincial issues for me to keep fighting this.
Ever thought that you were way past mental health problems, only to realize that perhaps you have been deluding yourself all the time. That not thinking about them, perhaps instead you have been burying them yet again. And we all know what happens to buried emotions.
Sorry I have not been around here much, guess my head has been in an odd place.
I'm sorry you feel so bad that you are questioning your ability to keep going. It's hard because on one hand you can think that it really doesn't matter because we're all gonna die anyway but on the other hand, who really knows how much life we get???? And when things are bad health wise i know i can sometimes feel in a dilemma because what's the bother? but then again, there might not be as much life as we wanted so maybe we should hang on just for that????
Life is unfair a lot of the time. But do you really wanna give up now???? Things can change, feelings can change. Not many things are static when humans are concerned, so why give up now???? You have fought so hard, Kim. IT would be such a waste to throw all that away. Sometimes life is short and it seems unfair but it can still be a good life.
Mental health is important just like physical health. And of course you feel crappy when you have had to endure (and keep enduring) all this. But try to ask for some help and try to accept that help also, before you make any decisions about life and death. Sometimes a gentle push and a helping hand and someone to talk to is enough to get back into the fight.
*hugs* Quitting, llast time I checked the contract, was not an option. I'm sorry you feel this way, but please keep going.
I know you feel like this is a great stress on your family, but it's worth considering... do you reallly want the finality of death? Or just an end to the stress and financial problems?
Im sorry to hear that you have been struggling, i dont really know you so i hope what i say is appropriate. You sound very down and disheartened- hugs.
Please suicide isnt the answer- there's another way, always another way. Theres hope still for you, and i really pray that you can see it.
The BRAVEST thing
I ever did was CONTINUING MY LIFE when I wanted to die.
Just over a year ago, tihs medical condition nearly won, that had an effect on me PTSD wise, but not on the whole subject of living. About 8 months ago, another feeling gradually came onto me, it wasnt a sudden OG this is going to happen moment, it was more like a realization over time. I started as a feeling that I need to make the most of this Christmas, to enjoy it, to spend time with the family and generally make good memories. The feeling, gradually turned to feeling like this might be my last christmas.
I dont feel scared or sad or depressed. I feel acceptance. I have made personalized hand made presents for all my close relatives. I have made sure, despite being in and out of hospital very frequently, that i have still had time for them all, tried to avoid them seeing me as the sick and miserable one.
This was never done in a suicidal manner, it was a just incase. But then my mind also wanders, what if it dosnt happen? I dont know if it is a good or a bad thing.
Medical wise, things are not going to improve any time soon. Surgery every 6 weeks, 3 hours of treatments a day, 11 different medications, none of this helps, just slows down the decrease in level I can function at and thats not to mention the constant infections and having to go in for IVs inbetween. There is a chance of another type of surgery, but it would be 5 years minimum before that could happen and if I want to go for that, it will mean showing them that I am mentally and physically up to it. Crashing mentally now? well that could just lead to even longer until being able to get better.
Sorry, I dont mean to moan, I guess, I am just tired of everything, tired of waiting to be able to live, life on pause so to speak. blah moan over.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I tried therapy, it got me nowhere.
And therapy dosnt change a lot of things! I still wont be able to breathe, I will still be in about out of hospital, still always drained. I am a great believer of doing things to help yourself, but at this point, I can not think of anything that I can do.
I know my limits. It has been a long time since I have been caught triggered without expecting it.
A while back, taking my meds used to trigger me. A pile of tablets would lead me to wanting to take more. Actully taking them became a challenge. What was worse, taking them, which often lead to ODs or not taking them at all. My medications are important, I know that, I am never supposed to miss a dose. Even when I am nil by mouth, I have to have either theatre slots moved or be tubed to make sure that I dont miss them. After a long stint in hospital, where I had no control over meds, the urge went away.
It didnt return until, until today. Sorting the little pills into boxes, it took everything I have to not just swallow them down. My mind runs round in circle, what does the future hold? Things are not going to improve soon. I am waiting, waiting on science, waiting for new procedures to become availble, clutching at straws .
Pain, exhaustion, pills, nebulisers, treatments, appointments. Nothing good can possibly come from my life. I am holding others back. I am not blind, I know that their are people who care and I know that my departure from them would leave them in pain. But I also know what the future holds.
Nephews who offer to come stay in my house so my mum can go to work, nieces who do the things for me that I should be doing for them, washing, ironing, shopping, having fun. Sisters who do my running around for me. Parents who have to take me to admissions and look after me afterwards. Who panic when they hear me coughing and chocking all night and panic even further when I suddenly stop coughing. Friends who force me seek treatment, who make appointmets for me and take me. I mean friends are not suppossed to know all my medical history, medications, dosages and every other detail so they can deal with phone calls for me. I am nearly 25 and a wild night out is managing a meal and a movie.
Friends and family who care? That's what they're supposed to do. I'm glad they care because it means they can take you, kicking and screaming if need be, to get help if you choose not to. Honey, I can't even begin to understand how hard this is for you but you CAN get through it. Someone posted something on facebook recently about how if there is no hope you wouldn't be there talking about it. and I think that's a good point. I know you feel like giving up sometime, but somewhere inside you have hope. *cuddles* You can do this sweetheart :)
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
i dont know what your medical situation is but it sounds really hard. but YES, people who love and care about you are exactly the ones you need around to help you. there is NO fault in that!
im just not sure what to say...sorry.
much love.
please keep yourself safe.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thank you for the expert programe bit, I might look into it.
I dont want to kill myself. But I do want to die. I want to just slip away in the night. No one any the wiser till the next. No heroic acts to make everything all right, no notes, no attempts to change things.
I am just tired, tired of everything. Tired of being a burden, tired of being called lazy, tired of trying to live the life of a 20 something but in a 90 year olds body.
I have always been one to say to people hold on, things can change, moods can improve. But that is not the case here anymore. Things are not going to change. It has already been implied to me and next week, it will probably be more so told to me. Things cant change, they cant get better, only worse. They have done all they can to cure me, and instead it made things worse. I cant keep trying to be strong, I dont want to put the effort in any more. Life is not meant to be a fight to get through the day. I shouldnt have to be so damn careful, just to try not to get worse. I am tired and I just want to fall asleep and never awake.
You're not a burden, or lazy. For what it counts, I do think it still counts as suicide if you let if happen - like suicide by cop (it's still suicide).
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Things feel different now.
I would say that, yes I am thinking about death a heck of a lot. But it is so so differnt from a few years ago when I was set on suicide.
I used to have this energtic craving to destroy myself. In a way, I wanted to see how much mess I could make and if anyone would care enough to stop me. I did get to the point where I hated myself so much that I wanted to be gone from the earth, but each time I tried, something stopped me, something said continue, give it another day, try something new.
For the most part it worked. I got better, I hated myself a little less, but now, things are changing again. I dont so much want to reach out or seek help. The reason I am posting, is mainly for me to reafirm to myself that I am not acting rash. I no longer dream of a knight on a white horse, or a grand gesture of love from somebody trying to save me. I dont think about professional input to help get through this. I am thinking practically about things, about how it will effect certain people. I dont nessciarily want to kill myself, just to pass away in my sleep, or at a time when I am not aware.
I know that I dont want to face my future. I see my old friends out having fun, buying a house, having kids, I know that will never by my life. The chances are, that I will never be able to even work, let alone have a happy life.
I dont want this to be a woe is me post, that was not the aim. I have done so much with my life, seen so much, been touched by the love of so many people. But I cant keep draining the life out of every relationship, I do not have the strength to make the descsions that I now must make. I live in the body of an elderly person. Its not so much that I feel depressed, I see things clearly right now.
I dont know if anyone has seen the film seven pounds, but I guess I feel a little like that. I have always wanted my life to hold some purpose, to touch one persons life, to make a differnce in some way. I wish there were some way I could plan this all better, to have more certainty.
Oh Kim. I dont even know what to say.
i've seen how hard you struggle, always keeping on, always trying to keep positive...
Sorry this is uselss, but I care very much about you.
I admire how you continue on, keeping so much to yourself, keeping hope.
much love
xxx
