Coming up with that title makes me feel all weepy, softening feelings.
How can I best word this? I really do need some understanding and support, some gentle firm pointers. I emphasise the gentle, as I've had so much direct confrontation recently. Please.
This is a long post. So I've tried to highlight the key points, and hide parts that might be less essential.
I'm struggling. There're two main points here - coping with the upsurge of defence mechanisms due to stress, and the implications of these upon my self understanding.
1. Personality issues that are not fully within my conscious control are rearing their heads with the insecure situation at work [I feel that you're mostly likely all bored of my talking about this. Are you?]
I'm trying hard to get a handle on this, really trying. But because it's not all a conscious thing [defences] I sometimes 'fail'. My managers have confronted me about some things I've said that have made colleagues uncomfortable. [But it's become clear to me now that 'I've' said them because I feel uncomfortable... *sigh*]
There are people who think that because one is conscious of a defence, one can change it. It's not a wave a magic wand thing though. It's slow, hard work.
Does anyone understand this whole process? Does anyone have any tips of how I can help myself at work?
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Background -
I'm learning more all the time. It's painful, but helpful. All this came through from my apparently unhelpful visit to Occupational Health. My manager has made a complaint about the way the dr handled things. And now they want a report from my GP. I will likely have to go back and see someone else, so we can organise helpful reasonable adjustments for me for the next few months at least.This is all very stressful and exposing. In a way, exposure eases internal pressure.
2. All of this [there's more than I have outlined in this post] has made it blatantly obvious to anyone who knows much about mental health that I have some personality disorder issues going on. My GP is also acknowledging this. This, paradoxically as it may seem, is immensely liberating for me, I don't 'need to hide it' any more, for fear that people will 'hate me and want nothing more to do with me if they find out'. But here we have a conundrum. Whilst I'm accepting the dysfunctional nature of my defensive behaviours, and experiencing a deeper sense of myself and accepting reality, I also am feeling my first clear thoughts of wanting to overcome the persona/mask/role of myself as a mental patient.
How might I best handle this compassionately? Can anyone relate?
Sorry, I find it hard to articulate complex things in a way people who don't know me can understand when my mind is sort of scrambled up by stress.
Basically -
1. How might I stop identifying with myself as a 'mental patient' at the same time as accepting the seriousness of my relational dysfunctions?
2. How might I manage at work to stop the leaking out of stuff that shouldn't be leaked out, verbally? [i.e. feelings mainly resentment and anxiety about possibly being made redundant next year] Feelings that have so far only been expressed 'in code'? And which come from unconscious defences.
I know it's hard to explain without giving a specific example, but I don't feel comfortable doing that.
So far I've got a notebook which I plan to vent in. If I can catch the feelings surging up in time. Recently it's been like verbal vomit - I wasn't able to help myself.
Work and my GP keep saying 'take more responsibility' and I'm trying, I really am. It's just... not always that simple, as my therapist understands. In therapy we've been looking at understanding where my outpourings have come from in me, and that does give me a sense of more control.
I was hoping OH would have given me some practical guidelines, but that didn't happen - or it may do, if I do go back and see someone else.
I have thought of a couple of possible things that perhaps might be helpful.
How may you move away from the role as 'patient', whilst also accepting the relational difficulties? Well, I think it's important to recognise that you are not 'well' or 'ill', in totality - you are both. There are parts of you that is the patient, that has the personality disorder symptoms, that is understandably angry and defensive and lashes out. But you are also Katie who works in a library, who writes poetry, who is gentle, compassionate and enormously intelligent. You are all of those in a mix. Sometimes one part breaks through, sometimes another, and sometimes several pieces at the same time - because, as one is happening, the others don't cease to exist. Acknowledge that these relational dysfuntions are real, present and at times consuming, but that you have many components to your personality that all coexist.
Also, something that I think is helpful, is what Hazel says about how her symptoms and experiences are reactive; she adapted because of things that have happened in her life (sorry if I seem like I'm talking about you, Hazel). You're not 'mental'. (Not that I'd accuse anyone of that). You are reacting, understandably, to a horrific experience of childhood. But, in even a horrific childhood, there are still almost always times that, even if very small, are settled. Happy times happen. And, boy, ain't it confusing!
I'm rambling, sorry. I think you need to recognise the whole of you, and many of the facets of your personality. Write down your difficulties. Write down, equally, the things you value in yourself. And, especially regarding the latter, if you struggle, ask us.
If some of the things you are saying are making others feel uncomfortable I think writing them down rather than saying them is a good idea. I'd also start to give yourself time before speaking to think how you would feel if it was said to you. That will give you an idea if it is ok or not. If you are reacting in response to what they have said, then talking to your manager would help.
I'd ask for time to ring a support line when you feel things getting difficult.
I also think you need to just see you as 'you' rather than looking so deeply into things. It doesn't seem to be helping. We are all more than one part of our self. You need to keep telling yourself that you are in control of your life. It isn't easy, but it will help you feel stronger knowing that you are in charge of the decisions that make your life what you want it to be-no body else does or has the power to.
Mindfulness exercises might help as well.
Last edited by startingagain : 20-12-2010 at 11:48 AM.
1. How might I stop identifying with myself as a 'mental patient' at the same time as accepting the seriousness of my relational dysfunctions?
2. How might I manage at work to stop the leaking out of stuff that shouldn't be leaked out, verbally? [i.e. feelings mainly resentment and anxiety about possibly being made redundant next year]
Answer to question 1:
I like disappears ideas. Maybe give yourself time to stop analysing your emotions, reactions and behaviours and just accept that you are you. Although I think it is good to be aware of ourselves, our emotions are not black and white, normal/abnormal and don't always make logical sense...sometimes they just are. We all feel angry, confused, say things we shouldn't, get frightened etc... I understand some emotions may be very difficult and embarrassing at times but I think the key is not forgetting that everyone has felt every single one of the emotions that you have. Some emotions simply are painful, just because you feel that pain doesn't make you ill, it makes you human. Maybe give yourself some space...i believe sometimes the way of dealing with some emotions is simply to accept them in all their horrible glory. Feel them, accept them, then after a period of time let them go. I know they won't disappear but try finding a distraction, a good book, a volunteer outlet etc. Accepting the illogical is frustrating (I understand that!) but maybe doing what seems the illogical is the logical answer (if that makes sense!).
Answer to question 2:
Personally I don't see anything wrong with discussing your anxiety or resentment at possible redundancy. But maybe it's getting to the stage where that is all you talk about? I dunno, I'm trying to see the problem with this topic....Maybe again give yourself time. E.g. 10mins in the morning to vent as much as you want and 10mins in the afternoon etc. I suppose if you are inclined to verbally spluge, going cold turkey and not talking about these important topics for you, is probably like going on a diet and banning all treats. It likely won't last and you'll probably binge/verbal splurge! I wonder what it is you find good about discussing these problems with colleagues...is it the replies you get or the need to find an outlet for your anxiety? Maybe the answer is solving the anxiety? I know it is unlikely your managers can answer categorically if you'll be made redundant next year but maybe you can take control by asking for update meetings every month or so, or maybe searching for alternative jobs available just in case?
ok, after rereadin and then readin your next post, ive thought of something.
i think you overanalyze. i also think if you "label" yourself as "ill", you will subconciously fulfill the expectation of being ill. you know you have an illness but you have many qualities that arent related to your illness.
the sick part of you is only one part. how about trying to conciously let the other, healthy parts of you show while at work. try not to overthink the situation. try not to "try" so much if that makes sense.
another thing is dont set yourself up for failure. dont set too high of expectations for yourself. dont let the illness become who you are. dont let it define you. ultimately you have control even when you think you dont. i think anxiety may be a huge part of the problem. i know that therapy helps with that.
my mind has gone blank now. i hope i made a bit of sense.
Thanks everyone. I have been reading your replies, and pondering. Things have been hectic the past week, and now I've some time to sit down and reply.
It's in my nature to look deeply and understand. The problem, I think, is what parts of me grab that understanding. There is a tendency for the self critical and judgemental part of myself to take a hold of things. That's when things go wrong. It's a fine balance at times.
Right from the beginning I've grown, sadly, used to attacking my every thought, word and deed, and for this reason I can be painfully self conscious, and I'm really starting to see now how that can really mess things up. It's not that I'm a bad person, or super pathological, I just never learned to behave socially appropriately with those my own age, or adults [when I was a child].
It's helpful, Laura, as you have done, to articulate what makes me *me* that isn't a mash of complex inappropriate or pathological mess. My troubles go to the heart of my relationships, and it kind of breaks my heart that I seem to be repeatedly unable to respond appropriately and with the kindness that I feel, but is trapped someplace. However, so saying, I AM starting to see that shine through a little now and again, in the past little while, so there is hope.
I did really recognise and feel last night that I DO have choice. Which is a major breakthrough. I know that there's a lot of solid frozen ice of learned and enforced powerlessness running through me from my past, and breaking through and melting that is rather a work of art. I owe that to myself, and to others I meet.
When I saw my GP this morning, I didn't give in to the whinging, pathological etc part of me, I spoke of my victories and such. :) Proud of myself.
Yep. Anxiety is a MAJOR part of it. You know when you get anxious about being anxious? That's me, lol! But seriously, yes, anxiety is the river running through.
It's not so much that it's all I talked about, though it is a major 'elephant in the room' at work... it's that my reactive self acted out from triggers at inappropriate times. I seem to have more of a grip on this, thankfully. It just sucks that discomfort is thrown around like a hot potato, and the whole thing is damn uncomfortable, the redundancy threat et all. Who's going to feel totally comfortable with it? Ugh. Just needed to rant. I need to have space to rant, damn it!
