Hi,
This will probably look like every other post on here but I'm just feeling really hopeless. I am 19, almost 20, and have been feeling depressed since I was about 15, maybe earlier. I've been back and forth to councillors, doctors, therapists, on different pills etc. but when it comes down to it most of the timeI feel no different in myself.
Two years ago I started seeing a therapist specialising in CBT and it helped me alot in how to deal with people and self image and to recognise when I'm feeling irrational thoughts, I also stopped self harming (cutting) and contemplating suicide but in many ways I still feel no better. I find it difficult to get up in the morning, I go through periods where socialising is really hard, I feel outcasted and lonely and I feel so unattractive I make myself sick quite often. I also feel like I've just swapped cutting for throwing up because it's easier to hide.
At the moment I just feel like if I've been getting a bit better then worse, then better, then worse for this long I'll be like this forever. Just feeling like it's all a bit useless really and for the first time in a long while dying isn't feeling so scary and I don't like it.
Just any words from anyone would be nice :)
Thanks xxxxx.
Just wanted to say i know where you're coming from with this... I've been going through a similar thing with getting a bit better and then a lot worse for a long time... Maybe the way to think about it is that even if there's no miracle solution, even if it's hard for a long time to stay level/ keep OK, that doesn't mean that things can't get better or be manageable, if that makes any sense? Sorry not to be more useful
I wish I had something to say to make you feel better, but I don't. I am a good listern if you every need someone to vent to :) And congrats on no longer SIing.
You will find that having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. It is not logical, but is often true-Spock
I'd rather have a goddam horse. A horse is at least human, for God's sake. ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
You sound just like me, same age and everything. Let's pray for a solution but until then, keep looking forward to the better times and try not to get trapped in bad thoughts! Maybe try something new to distract yourself from throwing up and give yourself a reason to feel good, I started kung fu a while back, and it really helped me feel good about myself. All the best :)
I just wanted to comment that I am a similar age and can relate to a lot of that. You are not alone.
At the moment though, I am looking at things most days from an outsiders perspective, kinda. My boyfriend has depression. It is a very tiring place to be and you must be very fed up to have felt awful for so long. I hope you feel you can be honest with those treating you and accept their help (if they are helpful!)
Remember, those 'bit better's count just as much as those 'bit worse's.
xx
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
