Contains Suicide - Can i give up yet? Please? It hurts too much.
ive been away from the site for a few months now, in and out of hospital, suicidal attempts mainly. i feel theres so much pressure. life just keeps going so fast. but now i want it to to stop. please can i just end it now. why cant i just stop. this is hurting me way too much. people say its selfish to talk yourself away from this world. but i see it as my only option. i cant talk to anyone properly, not really. everything builds up in my head and it gets so full, but i cant express what its full of, i want to sleep, yet i cant, im scared of everything.
people try to mess things up for me, and this hurts me more, im being pushed too far, and all i want to do is say stop, all i want is for people to leave me. i feel ikts what i deserve. why bother with me when i dont bother with me self.
i feel like im doing everythings wrong, i feel like im ungratefull, i have an amazing fiance but i cant tell him everything, not what i really feel inside, how can i feel like this when hes doing so much for me.
ive had enough of living this life, ive had enough of hurting. i dont know what to do, and i really need some guidance.
Try to find at least one reason to live. All you need is one reason to get going. I know this sounds dumb, but, things will get better. Life isn't bad all the time. You can survive. You can make it through this. You can find reasons to keep going - you can work through everything you're going through and feel better.
I know it's hard to talk to people....but you need to talk to someone - tell them what's going on - if you keep bottling it up it'll just get worse. I know how hard that is - it's hard for me to talk about stuff too - but if you find the right person - the right therapist for example, things get a little easier to talk about.
Anyway.. my main point is just that you need only one reason to keep living: whether it's your fiancee, seeing the sun again, writing, drawing, music, a friend...anything whatsoever. Also some creative outlets might help you work through things too - like writing or drawing or painting...might help you get your mind off things, give yourself time to relax, etc.
I know you can make it through this. Just keep trying - keep surviving.
i just dot think i can do it. it feels like theres too much to go through. too much hard and not enough easy. im fed up, fed up of life. fed up of remembering, everyday. thank you for replying
I know how hard it can be at times - to feel like you can't go on - to feel like it's too hard - to feel fed up with life - with remembering (with flashbacks especially). But, if you keep telling yourself negative things, you won't think positively - and you have to try to think positively to make it through. If you find a therapist/counselor that could really help keep you safe. You gotta look for the bigger picture - see beyond the moment - life sucks now, but it won't always... gotta find a reason to keep living. I have faith in you - I know you can make it through this.
Thank you, it feels like such a weight to carry on, i went to the police last night and reported a rape that happened 7 months ago, they were very supportive, i see victim support on monday to do a video interview so now im really anxious about that, going into every minute detail, im not sure how i can cope untill then, by fiance doesnt seem to understand the impact its having on me, how emotionally draining it is now, its so tough. i just want to curl up and not wake up, it would be so good, i want the hassle to be over, i wish it had never happened. im stuck and i dont know what to do.
I think you are being very strong and very brave. It may not feel like that now but you are. You said in your first post that you don't tell your fiance everything....have you tried to open up to him, even if you write a letter with all your feelings and thoughts in it and leave it for him to read? He may be better able to help and understand a little more and I think at the moment any extra support you can get is really important.
Are you getting any support or help to help you to learn to cope with what happened to you and the effects of it? If not then I think maybe you should consider getting some. Going to the police and reporting it was a massive step, and very brave, like I said but you are right, it won't be easy.
*leaves a hug just in case it is needed and could be accepted*
im with pomoegranate on this one. im sorry but you didnt mention the rape earlier and i have to say im SO sorry. you dont need to carry thing on your own.
try and make him understand. he is your partner, the person you are closest with and he needs to know that you NEED his support hunni.
i wish i had something more to offer.
please try talking with him and again, im really sorry. you can do this though. i know this.
Thank you for replying,
I'm finding it extremily hard to cope with my feelings about it, im not sure if/what i feel, its like a crazy numbness where i feel nothing yet everything all at the same time, hard to understand i know.
Victim support are there, and i have the video interview on monday now. im really nervous, going over every detail, the details i remember, minute detail. the graphic detail, thats the hardest, actually saying the anotomy parts, where they went, what happened. im scared.
im feeling so suicidal, i dont think i can cope on this world anymore, it just seems to kick me when im down, when i start climbing back up, it knocks me down. i dont think i can do it anymore.
i think about hurting myself day after day, it was about 2 months since i last cut, untill today, i want to cut so bad, so deep. i need it. im finding it so hard and i feel more alone than ever, because all the emotions and feelings are in me, i my head. no one else can help, and im stuck. stuck thinking the same things. i dont think i can cope over the weekend. knowing whats to come on monday. i need to get away. i cant do this any more.
Hey hun... have you looked into therapy? i know talking to people you don't know is hard - but if you find the right one it's very helpful - it's the only way I've even begun to deal with the sexual abuse I've gone through. It might really help you to have someone to talk to.
Also, I agree with the others - try to talk to your partner - if you can't tell him, write him a letter. he's there to support you.
Good luck with the video interview I'd be nervous too if I were you, but you're doing a really brave thing by going to the police about it!
Remember, if you're feeling too unsafe - feeling like you can't keep yourself alive, then it's okay to go to the hospital - they're there to help - to keep you safe.
I've opened up to my Fiance more now. I have mental health professionals and i'm on the waiting list for phychology, it seems to be taking forever. My sister is coming over tonight for a while to be with me which will help, the thoughts are still there, and the cuts are there now aswell. But talking the the victim support on the phone helps, and the lady was very nice and comforting. It made me realise how much I've gone through in my life, but it's also made me see how far i've come too. Im recognising the thgouths and feeling i'm having, and it makes them easier to deal with. i think right now i just need the support over the next few days, i keep thinking i cant do it.
beki
p.s pomegranete - hug was greatly appreciated :) thanks
