Triggering (SI) - forgot my blades

~invisible~girl~ · 28-08-2007, 04:21 PM

I just discovered last night that I appear to have left the box with all my blades in it at home. I don't quite know how I did that, but it's still on my bed, and I'm not going home for like eight weeks still, except possibly for a weekend but I couldn't very well bring them back then as I'd have to carry a box full of blades on an airplane. The thing is, I got here the day before yesterday, and I left home the day before that, so I'd been without them three days and it hadn't even noticed. It didn't bother me at all until I noticed they were missing last night, and now I'm freaking out about it. I can buy more blades when I have a long enough break between classes, and that's only a little over six hours away, and I'll be in class the whole time before then anyway, but now I can't stop worrying about whether I'll be able to find the right kind, and now I'm afraid that once I do buy more blades, I'll end up using them today, even though it's been eleven days and it's still too warm out to wear long sleeves, and it's only the second day of classes so if I show up with cuts on my arm tomorrow and thursday then that'll be practically the first impression for a lot of my classmates and profs this year, which I definitely don't want. I guess I don't really know what I want from posting this, but, um, help?

Amaryllis · 28-08-2007, 04:24 PM

Oh, I totally get where you are coming from. Perhaps if you do hurt yourself, you could wear a light sweater with the excuse it's cold inside?

Perhaps you could draw a picture of yourself and hurt the picture? That's what I do sometimes, I know it sounds weird but it can help.

.ghost. · 28-08-2007, 05:48 PM

I understand how you feel, I freak out when I go out and realise I don't have any blades with me, even if I don't plan on using them while out I still feel very unsafe not having them with me.

Maybe you could use this as an oppurtunity to challenge yourself ans see how long you can go for without SIing?

If you think you might cut as soon as you manage to get blades, then maybe try not to buy any until you feel you really have to, as buying some could trigger you to use them even if you don't have any urges (I want to cut when I get new blades or first aid stuff even if I'm not triggered or having urges, so just in case it's the same with you).

Try distracting yourself from thinking about forgetting your blades, I also like Amaryllis's idea

Ami · 28-08-2007, 05:53 PM

Hey
Like ghost said, maybe use it as an opportunity to go without them, and show that you are stronger than them, and you dont need them
x

~invisible~girl~ · 28-08-2007, 08:21 PM

I don't think I can just not buy new blades because I couldn't sleep last night until I'd figured out exactly when I could buy new blades and assured myself that I would, and also because it's been nagging at the back of my mind all day, even in class, and I need to be able to concentrate on other things. But I can sometimes buy blades and not use them right away, especially if I can find exactly the same kind I had before (which shouldn't be hard), it's just that I already want to cut because I'm angry at myself for forgetting my blades and I'm worried that my mom will find them sometime in the next eight weeks and stuff, and with classes starting and everything, I'm going to be more stressed and everything, and I don't know. It's just that since I couldn't cut right when I wanted too and I've had to take all this time to think about it, it seems like I should be able to avoid doing it this time, only it's been over 12 hours since I discovered I didn't have my blades, and I still want to cut, and it's only two more hours until I can go buy blades, and I know that I'll do it right away because if I leave it then I won't have time before my last class and then the store will be closed after that, and I'd have to wait until tomorrow, and I can't do that.

stumpy davies · 29-08-2007, 05:05 AM

I done this once before left my blade behind & mother found it. Her reaction was really bad at the time because she didn't even know. I didn't have money at the time to buy a new blade so had to wait about 8 hours until I got home, when I did my mother wouldn't give me my blade so I grabbed some money & went & bought a bottle of alcopop & broke the bottle. I used it on the way home & didn't have a first aid kit. My mother never tried to stop me since & I've never forgotten my blade since. I also always carry round anti-septic wipes for cleaning cuts & tools & also carry round a first aid kit. But like everyone else says if you can avoid getting blades or avoid using them straight away even if you do something else. Like elastic bands round your wrists pull them & let go or Ice preferably red clutch it tight in your hands until it melts & the burning from the ice can create a similar feeling. Hope your ok hun try & be safe no matter what. Try not worry about your mom finding your blades back home as because your not there I don't really see that she'd have cause to go in your room Luv Ceri x

~invisible~girl~ · 29-08-2007, 09:09 AM

Yeah, I don't see why my mom would have reason to search my room, but I also don't see why she had reason to read my journal two weeks ago, so, um, I don't exactly trust her to respect my privacy anymore. I guess it would be a lot worse if she didn't already know I cut, it's just that I told her I didn't have any more blades, and also I want them back when I get home, and of course my mom would confiscate them if she found them. But it's more just the idea of her seeing any more of my secrets than she already has.

Anyway, I ended up buying new blades today. And I managed to hold off for about 10 hours before I used one. They sucked. The hardware store only had their own store brand razor blades, and they're not sharp. I guess it's a bad thing that I just spent over half an hour finding better blades online. And that I paid for overnight shipping. Hopefully it will all be okay when they get here. But I'm worried that the packaging will be wrong or something, and I won't be satisfied with those either, and I won't be able to let go of the ones I left at home until I find ones just like them.

stumpy davies · 29-08-2007, 12:06 PM

It'll be ok your strong willed 10 hours is a great achievement. Try not to worry about the type of blades. I think your mom probably is just worried about you but don't forget that it's your right to talk to who you wish, you don't have to talk to her & if you need a friend I'll be here. You can PM me anytime. I know how your feeling because I've recently got back into cutting after being 2 years free my mom is kinda the same, wants me to talk to her when I'd rather talk to people that aren't so involved in my life & are less likely to judge me for the things I say. I hope you'll feel better soon, & I hope things turn out ok with your mom & that she doesn't find your blades. If only I could say something that could make it better for you. If you do ever decide to PM don't worry if I don't write back straight away I will as soon as I can ok like today it's 12:05pm & I have the doctors at 5:25pm. I will be back here then ok. Try & stay safe, please try not to worry just hang on a little longer ok hun. Luv Ceri x

cool-loser · 30-08-2007, 12:56 PM

You've done so well without the blades now, my start the habit again.

Try to break the habit.

Even if it means you self harming in smaller quantities.

~invisible~girl~ · 31-08-2007, 01:27 AM

It's a little late for that.