I've been struggling with depression for years and years (I'd guess at around 12 years but have been treated for depression with anti-depressants on and off for around 9 years) but recently things have been particularly bad and I have taken 3 overdoses over about the last 5 weeks. After the first overdose, I was admitted into hospital and since leaving the ward, I have been being treated by the Home Treatment Team who have been visiting me almost everyday and who I can telephone whenever I'm in need of support. I have also been seen by a psychiatrist who has been trying to sort out my medication and I am seeing a psychologist for the first time later this week. I really feel like I am getting all the help I could possibily ask for but I just don't seem to be getting any better. There are days when I am a bit more positive and engage in the CBT training, that the HTT do with me, more easily, but this never lasts and most of the time I am severely depressed and suicidal.
I feel that I am really trying to put on a brave face now. I suppose as it has been a few weeks now, my family and HTT expect improvement but although there has been a little bit of improvement, generally things haven't changed much at all, and I am still feeling suicidal most of the time. Right now, I feel really bad and feel like things will never get any better and that I'm a bit of a hopeless case. I'm also getting worried as it is coming to the end of the HTT time so after a couple of weeks I won't be seen by them anymore so I'm worried about who I will turn to. Obviously I can ring the crisis team but it's always a lot easier to seek help when you know who you're speaking to.
Right now I feel like I am going to feel like this forever. I feel so so low. I'm finding no enjoyment in anything I do right now. Everything I used to enjoy has now become a really hard chore and I am finding it hard to do anything without bursting into tears or feeling suicidal. The HTT keep saying I should focus on the here and now but I'm finding the here and now such a struggle as I see no point in any of it. On top of feeling like this, my dad is also really really ill and is causing a lot of worry for the family. My mum is having to cope with both me and my dad being ill and I feel so guilty that I can't just get better.
I really don't know what to do at the moment or who to turn to. I also think I find it really hard explaining how I feel properly, which is maybe stopping me getting the help I need. I really don't know what to do. Sometimes suicide seems like the only way out of feeling these feelings.
Hugs i can relate to quite afew things you have written hun. Its hard, I know its hard. Though suicide is an option, its permanment . I was too severely depressed and suicidal though no one knew i was suicidal, been in that place is awful i still wish that no one else had to go through depression as its awful, it changes your world as your thoughts change they all become negative thought- well atleast they did for me.
Its hard to keep going, i found it hard to do my horse on my days i hated it , my mare she was a chore i hated the whole cycle of depression though they were some days i would be okay, I just kept going and going until i was exhausted both physically and mentally- doing 4 shifts a week at work, having my horse, college 4 days a week 8-6 i was handing in assignments in up to 2 months late, just aslong as i had another week to do it i would convince myself i would get the work done though i never did by feb i had 15 assignments to do i was meant to get DDD overall ( equals A*s) and the first term i was on CCB alevel , doing 20 hour days getting 3-4 hours sleep a night 5 if i was lucky. In the end i got ill as my immune system wasn't strong enough and was off college for a week The 'wake up call' for me was when i had planned my death, the only problem was i was taken to A&E after an od and the next day i was meant to 'end things'
I can understand the feelings ; the guilt , feeling worthless. Believe me , you none of them things! You arent a hopeless case, try not to feel guilty about your mum looking after you, your ill too, you can't help that sweetie.
As far as who you will see after HHT, wouldn't it be adult services? If you arent already with them , they must put some support in really.
Suicide would solve the problem but would you really want to end things? They will get better, when things are really bad , the only way you can go is up :) Things will get better hun though its hard to believe i never thought they would , but they have for me and they will do for you aswell hun.
If you ever wanna talk feel free to pm me :)
laurenxx
Last edited by xlaurenx : 02-12-2010 at 09:09 PM.
Reason: gotta stop making spelling mistakes lol
Thanks for the reply Lauren. I'm really sorry to hear you have experienced similar thoughts! I'm glad that things have got better for you though and just hope things change for me too sometime soon! It seems to be so up and down. Sometimes I do see a glimmer of hope but it disappears pretty quickly and I'm back to feeling suicidal again. I think after the HTT, I am going to have some support from the community mental health team so that's a positive. Hopefully it's as good as the support from the HTT. I was supposed to have an appointment yesterday but it was cancelled due to snow. My psychologist appointment was also cancelled, which I was upset about as I have been waiting so long for it. Hopefully I'll get another one soon! I'm still feeling really bad about my mum having to deal with so much. My brother made me feel like I can help my depression but I can't at all; it's completely uncontrollable and I feel completely out of control like I have no control over my thoughts, feelings or actions. It's a horrible position to be in! Well, I just hope tomorrow is a better day. Thanks for the offer of PMing you! Hugs
Its okay :) I can relate to pretty much everything you have written there hugs. Its good that you will be getting support from the community mental health team. I used to have them feelings so much- maybe enjpying myself then my mood would just drop and i would feel depressed again. My CPN at CAMHS brought it up when my mood changed she said ' Lauren, if your moods are this extreme, meds could help' Though i was stuborn at the time and quite fearful of losing control as my parents would have to have them ( i was at high risk of od-ing , my cpn didn't trust me with them).
Aww am sorry the appointments got cancelled i hope that you get another one soon :) The position your on about - is hard to be in, when i od-ed and was allowed home from hospital that was very hard i was still very suicidal( not the crisis teams fault i didn't tell the whole truth) my parents didn;t understand thought it was there fault, my mum took a month of work and everyone tip toed around me if i was depressed and just wanted to be alone they thought i could do something etc. Also in that position you have no idea which way to turn, I was confused , upset, frustrated, angry, lost.. list goes on.
Try not to feel bad hun you cant help it . The stuff with your brother , again you cant control it its not something you can really control.
Hiya I can relate to everything you've said in your message too!
My mum has control of my meds as I am also at high risk of od-ing. I feel like such a child when my mum hands out my medication, but it's my own fault I guess.
I was also let out of hospital still suicidal and I'm in that position right now where everyone is tip-toeing around me. Mum said she'd take time off work but like you, I just want to be alone. I'm feeling really bad today and my dad is off work because of the snow. I really want to be alone and OD but I can't, which is so frustrating. I'm feeling really angry and just feel like crying, screaming - i'm not sure which!
Like you said, my parents think it is there fault too. I try to tell them its not their fault but they feel guilty which makes me feel even worse as I don't want them to feel that way. I wish I could just get better but I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon. I don't think my meds are working at all. None of the anti-deps I've had seem to work.
Cant you have a word with the psych at HHT about your meds? I can understand that feeling of feeling like a child - for me it was mainly control. In a way hun its good that you cant od but again i can completely understand the frustration of not been able to.
With me i never talked to my parents as they always felt so guilty and it made me feel guilty and frustrated as they couldn't understand depression or any of it. So i never told them anything and that why the things that happened to me , happened.
Things will get better hun , but they might take a while, nevertheless they will get better :)
I'm really sorry to hear you have experienced similar thoughts! I'm glad that things have got better for you though and just hope things change for me too sometime soon! It seems to be so up and down. Sometimes I do see a glimmer of hope but it disappears pretty quickly and I'm back to feeling suicidal again. I think after the HTT, I am going to have some support from the community mental health team so that's a positive. Hopefully it's as good as the support from the HTT. I was supposed to have an appointment yesterday but it was cancelled due to snow. My psychologist appointment was also cancelled, which I was upset about as I have been waiting so long for it. Hopefully I'll get another one soon! I'm still feeling really bad about my mum having to deal with so much. My brother made me feel like I can help my depression but I can't at all; it's completely uncontrollable and I feel completely out of control like I have no control over my thoughts, feelings or actions. It's a horrible position to be in! Well, I just hope tomorrow is a better day. Thanks for the offer of PMing you! Hugs