Contains illicit drugs - "I have no idea what more I can do"

twisted-mirrors · 23-11-2010, 05:16 PM

Hi,
I am not sure why I even bother to post this...it seems that it's too late for me to do anything. May be for once I need an objective viewpoint over this.
One of all bad thing that happened this summer was meeting T. I am generally and genuinely nice to people unless they give me a reason for something else, and it takes me a lot to say i regret meeting him. But that's the bare truth, I can not change it, I can not cover it.
He was...he is an addict. Not a drug addict, not an alcohol addict, not...just an addict. When I met him, he was in really good state of mind. I knew he HAD been an addict, I knew he HAD been to jail 3 times. He was the first guy I know that had been to jail so many times, so I said okay, everyone makes mistakes. We became friends. He was in love with me. I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend, so we never had anything more than a nice dinner or walk on the beach together. I believed he had a lot of potential so I tried to make him believe he can do something great with his life despite the past.
And then I saw him drugged and drunk on the street, in so bad shape he didn't recognize me. And then every time I turned around he did something stupid. He got drunk. He got drugged on heroin and weed and painkillers and sometimes mixed all those things together. When his girlfriend left him for 6th time he smashed the window of a car. When she lost the baby she was having, baby that wasn't his, he got in a fight with her new boyfriend. Even when we were together, sometimes I started to realize, he was leaving to go the the bathroom and taking drugs there. When we went to the mall he was caught shoplifting. Every time he swore it was the last time he did those things, and every time he did something else.
At the end I was so angry at him, I stopped talking to him. Now he's back in jail for six years, and I heard he is using still all of those things. I am not from the city I was in in the summer, I am not even from the same country. when I left USA to get back to my country i didn't even go to see him.
And now it's killing me that despite everything, I couldn't stop him. I have never dealt with substance abuse before so I have trully vague idea about it, and I can't keep wondering what will happen to him, and weather he won't kill himself, wether with alchohol, drugs, fight or something else I don't know. I'm just so worried and angry all the time, and I hate him for doing this to himself...and to me, and I love him.
I don't even know how I feel anymore. Can you love and hate someone at the same time? What am I supposed to do? My friends think I should forget about him...should I just leave him killing himself if he so please? How could I move on? I can't. And at the same time, there isn't anything I can do anymore, I couldn't do anything when I was there, what am I supposed to do when there is an ocean between us?
What am I supposed to do?

Sigma · 24-11-2010, 07:53 AM

The sad truth is there is nothing you can do, until he wants to change everything will carry on as usual. If he wants to kill himself in this way then there is nothing you can do about it. That's hard to accept because you care about him, but sadly it doesn't matter to him at the moment how many people care about him and get hurt.

But you can do something about yourself, you don't need to let this destroy your life. Moving on is difficult, but you can (and I hope will) do it. I'm not an expert at moving on unfortunately! But something I find helpful, apart from the see a counsellor/keep busy/take up a new hobby/do relaxation exercises is to allow myself a 'obsessing time' every day - 10 or 15 minutes where I allow myself to go over and over the same thoughts no matter how negative. For the rest of the day I try to distract and redirect myself.

twisted-mirrors · 25-11-2010, 09:58 AM

I know, rationally, logically, you're right. And I still feel like...like if he's hurt too bad, it hurts me too, and it hurts more because I CAN"T help at all. And at the same time I honestly resent him for doing this to me, and I don't trust that he can do better anymore, I just don't, he broke every promise he ever made to me and to anyone. And the worst part is, I understand how he got to this point. I can't pretend I know I would do different if I was in his place.
Sometimes, when I manage to forget for a second, I feel so good, like everything is finally back at it's place, like everything's brighter and I can breathe again without worrying about him. And then I felt guilty for feeling like that. I hope it passes with time. If I want to continue living I have to let go.
Does this "busy time" works for you? What are you moving on from? Sometimes when I have to write something for a class or myself(I am hoping one day to be a writer), I find myself the more I try to do my work, the more I think about him. May be I'll write something- a story or a poem- about him, may be it will help.
This 15min thing, it doesn't work for me, cause I start crying and listen to sad songs and then I can't stop. There is one thing so far that works incredibly-yoga. I didn't do before because I thought(of course) that nothing works like it used to anymore since I'm not the same. But the other day I made myself do yoga again, and it felt perfect, like I never stopped. And for THOSE 15 min everything was normal again. Yoga is incredible.
As for keeping busy I am(sadly) distracting myself with TV until I resent myself for wasting my time. Now, I am making some effort though.
I guess I didn't want to admit it, but I have to say goodbye and move on, because moping around doesn't help me OR him, it just hurts.

Sigma · 25-11-2010, 02:54 PM

I'm moving on (or not!) from yet another failed relationship following various other failed relationships... It does fade in time, and get less and less painful. But you're getting moments when you manage to forget for a moment, or 15 minutes with yoga, and those times will get longer and multipy. Unfortunately it's difficult to speed up the process :(

The best place for me is actually work, it gives me a structure and forces me to focus on other things and respond to other people. The logical and rational side of me is more in control, and the messy and emotional side kept to a minimum. I actually quite like the 'me' that is at work. Sadly I'm very different outside of work :(

twisted-mirrors · 09-12-2010, 08:38 PM

Tokoloshe, you're right, it doesn't disappear, but it gets berable with time.
Now it's becoming more and more berable for me. I will never forget, but...I find it easier to live with it.

I guess the hardest thing for me was to see the good in such person nd love someone like that.
I always though you love someone for the thing they are- I never knew you could love someone so painfully in spite of what they are, and see the small seed of good in them. Because truth is he had always been good to me(besides the part of getting screwed up), may be because I was the only person in his life who believed in him and didn't betray him.
So I loved him in spite of those things, and it makes it so much harder to grief, because I don't like the person he is- and yet I love him and wish him to get out of this alive(even though I stopped believing in this a while ago). I know awful truth, but it's the truth.

However now I can live with it. I'm not sure if it's fair to him, but I couldn't save him so I have to keep living.

As for work helping, I'm not working now, and though working helps me too, I actually just get lost in working, and it's temporary, it's not helping, just covering the pain for a while.
Then again, I'm artist, I prefer being emotional and dealing with things in other ways. But if you prefer the person you are at work why don't you try being like this outside too?

Myself, I got stubborn to oppose to everyone I know and all voice of reason-part of the grieving I guess, i was too angry to follow other people's wishes- and I refuse to find regular job after the summer and decided to succeed with my art.
Very depressing with the whole me against the world for a while, but now when orders for my small prints and drawings are finally picking up I am in fact happy about that. May be it will turn out to be blessing in diguise.
Hope your relationships are going better *hugs*

Sigma · 10-12-2010, 09:49 AM

Great that orders are coming in, and that the whole situation is more bearable :)

twisted-mirrors · 17-12-2010, 06:48 PM

:(((
Good. I was doing so good.
He OD again. I don't know how more I can stand by and "enjoy" ,my life.
I was doing so good. And now everythings falling apart.
He's a person, he's not a picture of my life I can just cutt off and forget, that's not how it happens.
I can't take this anymore. I feel like I'm griefing for someone before his death, i can't keep doing this.
I was doing so good.
Why does he have to do this?

Sigma · 20-12-2010, 07:52 AM

You probably are greiving - there is someone you care about and he is slowly killing himself. It's OK to grieve, in fact, it's healthy. HOW you grieve might not be so healthy though...

Like you said, you can't save him from himself, it's incredibly tough to accept but the alternative is to allow him to destroy you as well. Do you think that's what he wants? If he cares about you at all, that's not what he would want.

Every time you manage to pick yourself up and keep going the easier it will get the next time. And probably the best way to help him is to show that it is possible to pick yourself up and go on living. Hopefully one day he wants that for himself as well.

take care of yourself