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The dubious road to...somewhere new...
In just a week, I shall be 6 months free from self harm. This isn't my usual type of post, but I felt that I should mark the occasion whilst I'm around, so as not to forget.
I've never consciously refrained from doing things in the aid of long term 'recovery', but I now find myself striving for that which I never felt was an option. I didn't start my abstinance wholly willingly nor fully knowingly of what it held, but for the most part, I'm thankful that I did.
It's hard. I never imagined that something so natural should be something so terrifyingly difficult. To wake up one day and realize that something you relied on so heavily for so long is no longer an option was...startling. I'd been self harming before I realized what I was doing, this year marked the 12th year, more than half my life. I'm still not sure what the future holds, but I'm hoping it won't be a hell like that that I was in this previous year.
Sorry, I ramble and explain myself far too thoroughly. I'm just not sure what to make of all this. I'm proud, yes, but not always glad. I sometimes miss the darkest days, the shame of another broken patch of skin and bloodied towel. I am, for the most part, however, grateful that I no longer rely on my own self destruction as validation for my pitiful existence.
Aye, I'm facing demons and battling my own self esteem to try and carve out not only a bearable existence, but an enjoyable one. Quitting everything as I have is merely a pawn in the great battle I seem to have started.
Well done if you managed to read all that, and I suppse what I'm asking is for you to wish me luck for whatever the future holds.
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