Around nine, I suddenly lost a lot of confidence, started to become anxious and a bit paranoid. I got sad at ten and socially awkward at eleven, although as a younger kid (til 8/9), I was always really popular, fairly confident in myself... and then it seems as though suddenly I started to lose that. It just got worse and worse. And by 13 I'd started self-harming, having sex, drinking by 14 and things since then have got worse, mental-health speaking. I'm 23 now. Lately I've been seeeing a counsellor and he says that no-one becomes ill that young out of the blue... but I really feel as though that's what happened to me. I don't really undestand it. Sometimes I almost think I brought it on myself (in my lower moments. I know that isn't right).
So my question is- does anyone else genuinely not know why they started to self-harm/ become ill?
I think I started when I was around 9. I am not sure though. I don't remember when it started, but my parents divorced when I was 9, so I figured that this could have started it all.
Maybe it started before I was 9, cause it was actually a good thing that my dad moved out.
Sorry if this is not the answer you are looking for, I just thought it's interesting because of the young age.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
I also started feeling "different" when I was 9.
And self harming at 12/13.
My parents didn't have a great relationship so it may be that I picked up on that, and I did get some minor bullying at school.
I don't really know.
But I think perhaps sometimes we might think we are ok about something that is happening/has happened when actually we aren't. And little things that we would deal with fine now or have forgotten about (like failing a test at school maybe) could have affected us more than we thought at the time.
I think many people dont know why they started at first. I think its often after much retrospection and help that they realise the real reasons.
One of the hardest things to do is to pin point events especially if you seemingly had an incident free childhood. Many people feel they have no reason to be ill cus they had no abuse or great trauma. However it doesnthave to be trauma to induce sickness. It could be tiny little things that built up from birth that created a belief sysytem that leads to destructive behaviour. It could be a miriad of things actually.
It can take a long time.
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I always felt left out and unwanted - as far back as I can remember. My parents were distant and I got bullied a lot, but there was no huge 'this is the point everything changed' moment, just an endless collection of daily struggles that added up to a lot. Which is quite difficult to undo...
So, there's not necessarily a single traumatic incident. Part of recovering for me is to accept that not having this major incident doesn't invalidate my feelings. And that what was 'normal' in my family and the schools I went to was quite damaging in combination with each other and my personality.
I don't know if I will ever find 'the' reason...I don't actually think there is a reason; nothing hugely traumatic happened to me either.
And yes, I get the "I have no reason to be this way, so it must be fault" thinking too.
I agree that is likely to be due to a variety of things...lots of little pieces that tie it all together.
When i look back on my life i can see now that i have always been ill.... People always thought i was a weird child and that there was something wrong with me. I remember my childhood as a long periode of sadness and fear.
I've always heard voices. I never told anyone until a few years ago. When i grew up i thought everyone heard voices, lol. When i was 13 i started getting more ill, i began sniffing funny things and drinking. I cut myself for the first time when i was 14.....
The first time i got admitted to the mental hospital they asked a lot of questions about my past. When we were done with the interview i remember the doctor saying "It isn't that strange you have ended up here...."
I don't really remember exactly. I remember when I was younger I was pretty confident and quite popular among my peers. Everything seemed to change when I started high school though. I went to a completely different school from all of my friends so was pretty much alone. I struggled to make friends because I became so quiet and lost all of my confidence. The friends I did have I either ended up falling out with them, getting bored of them or being bullied by them. I remember the first time I self harmed was when the bullying had became pretty bad. I was about 14 and I knew someone in the year above me that self harmed to cope with things and I thought I'd try it and it helped. Everytime someone said something that hurt me I done it. I felt ugly and worthless and hated myself.
Things changed when I met my current best friends and my now ex boyfriend. They brought my confidence up. They were the first people I felt I could be completely myself around in years. This was when I was 15. I stopped self harming for about a year, only doing now and again. Although during this time my parents described me as 'out of control.' Always shouting, always arguing, doing things without thinking about the dangers to myself or others. I was drinking all the time, smoking, doing whatever drugs I could get my hands on. I don't know why, I just always felt like something was missing from my life.
Then about two years ago my parents split up and school was over and ever since then I've not been right. I think I was overwhelmed by everything happening at the same time. That is when I began self harming again on a very regular basis, I started having low moods and really bad mood swings. My confidence has now also deteriorated again and I find it very hard to talk to people I have just met.
i harmed for the first time when i was 11. i did it accidentally, but then realized afterwards that i didnt feel near as anxious, so i did it again. thats what started the horrendous cycle for me.
i did have alot of trauma in my childhood which has affected my adult life tremendously. and i didnt know how badly it would affect me until it already had.
as mentioned before though, mental illness doesnt have to even have a reason. it is an illness just as real as a physical one.
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