I've got a tough weekend ahead, I'm involved in a dancing event just helping out and stuff, but I haven't really been involved in any of it for such a long time, I had a bad injury and then just didn't have the confidence to start back. I thought I would be ok for the weekend, just helping out, but now it feels like I'm not going to be able to cope with it, all it's going to be is a big fat reminder of what I'm missing. I feel so torn, between missing it so much and by knowing that I'm not good enough to start back.
I just can't eat at the moment, the more I eat the more I want to hurt myself, I can rarely stand up without feeling dizzy.
My head's such a mess I don't know what to do there's only one thing that's going to make me feel better...
Do you think you would feel better if you started again, but only for the purpose of having fun? Not to work on something big.
How to get through the weekend? Remember that they need you to help them. I performance/event wont work without the right people backstage. Try to give your best and make it a great experience for yourself and others.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
I know exactly how you feel. Ive passed up so many things because i found them too painful because they reminded me of what im missing too, or how ive failed or <insert any negativity here>........
The weekend is over now and i hope that you made it to your event. I hope you did because i hope you wont be like me.
I denied myself so much over the years for the same reasons and now i regret it so much. the only person that thinks i was a failure was me, and my only fail was not to try for fear of what id lost. Little did i realise that i could have actually gained by trying.
Dont become a stupid old penguin!
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Thanks for your replies! I somehow managed to get through it, had a few wobbly moments and at one stage had to just get out for 5 minutes, but I got myself together and managed to carry on which I was really pleased about.
I'm still so torn about where to go from here, I've tried to get back into it slowly but it hasn't seemed to be working. I don't know if I'm just expecting too much, I probably am I'm not patient at the best of times. I've had 8 weeks back now but I don't feel any closer to being able to teach again. I don't know what to do I really really miss it but I know I'm just not good enough to do it. I don't think I can live without it, I know I can't live like this and I don't know what else there is to do. I'm too frightened to just throw myself into it, I know that's not realistic because if I'm having a really bad day there is no way I'll be able to do it. I kno what you mean ninjapenguin, I'm just so frightened of how wrong it could all go.
This is so crap, I'm exhausted but fmy head won't let me sleep, just keep thinking about everything over and over, I really want to cut but I don't want to screw up again. Trouble is I don't know how not to, I just need to cut, I know if I do I'll be able to get some sleep.
I made it through last night without cutting, but now I really have a strong urge, I keep thinking about it. If I do i'll be a failure and if I don't i'll still be a failure for thinking it, what's the point. I don't know what the point of this is anymore...
Of course you're not a failure, not at all. I am, I don't feel worthy of life at the moment, I feel very selfish and even more selfish for wanting to cut so badly
it is not selfish to cut. at least not more selfish than taking a shower or going for a walk.
I could tell you about my very boring day to distract you. Or bake a cake for you and send it to you (only if you are living in germany, cause I dont think I can send a cake international :( )
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
It would upset everyone who is supporting me, it feels like i'm all doing is disappointing people at the moment. I'm starting to seriously think again that it would just be better if I wasn't here, it would end all of this.
I am sure that you are not disappointing people all the time. I am thinking the same every day.
When everybody is telling me what I am doing wrong and how I could do things better.
I had a talk and it turned out that they were just trying to help me and give me tips. They were not disappointed, I just thought they were.
I think it's all about perception.
Try to look more at the positive things than the negative things.
It's hard to do that sometimes.
You could start a positive diary/list. Write down positive things (even the very small ones that seem unimportant) and read it when you are feeling bad about yourself.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
I can't think of anything positive about myself, nothing at all, there just isn't anything. I hate myself and the person I am, I don't deserve to be living, I don't want to live I want all of this gone I don't want to struggle through it anymore I wan't to get away from myself. The thought of having to go through another day is so exhausting and I don't want to do it.
I can hear how very desperate you are feeling.
Do you have anyone to talk to about this? As in, anyone professional Doc/CPN/psych?? If so, now is certainly the time to reach out to them. If not, would you consider going to your GP, asking for some referrals for someone to talk to?
I know that seems huge (and pointless), when you are feeling so wretched, but I truly think it would help you to have someone to talk to. If you are feeling very unsafe, could you call someone? Even the samaritans, other helpline? Or go to hospital?
As Matt said, pls try not to let all the negativity win and keep you from trying. I know it is scary, but you will regret it later...I certainly do.
I agree it is all about perception...and this damned illness will do its best to keep you down, to feed any negative part of you. It is so much easier to simply listen to it, to agree...I know.
Is there any possibility of you ever being able to teach again? It will likely be frustrating, having to start small when you expect so much bigger/better...but give yourself some slack! You have suffered a bad injury, it will take time. Regardless of any MI issues, it would take anyone time to slowly rebuild.
Sounds like even tho it was tough, you got thru it. Realizing you needed a bit of time alone is a big (positive) step.
Is there someone you can be with, to talk to, to try to distract you when you are feeling so badly? Would just letting it all go (for now) and watching a fav movie help?
Thank you for your kind words.
My GP hasn't been that helpful really (doesn't seem to have a clue about anything, when a friend was with me once being my voice and explaining everything that had happened he said he didn't want to 'overreact'), I know I could change GP but he's not the only one I've seen and to be honest I can't face going over everything again with someone else. I did get referred to an intervention team, and after an assessment they recommended a place to go and get counselling, it took me a while to get there, I went 3 weeks ago and am still waiting for my first session. It's like none of them seem to get how desperate I can feel sometimes. A few close friends know but I hate to keep bothering them with all of my stupid crap, and the one who I feel the most comfortable talking to has a lot going on with her nan being really ill. My boyfriend knows and is great, but I just can't talk to him about it, i've never been a big talker (goes some way to explain why i'm in this state). I finally told my parents not long ago as well, but after lying to my mum only today that i'm 'fine' I can't just get into a big discussion about it.
Work do know, but I like to just keep going, I never admit when I need help, would rather just struggle through and feel like crap but not have to bother anyone.
It's like I don't even know who I am, I don't like who I am but I don't know how to change, and I don't know if there's anything in me that's worth saving. Sorry for waffliing on for so long...
Can relate well to the not talking...I'm ok here, but to *really* say it all? No thanks, lol.
Does your GP know exactly how badly you are feeling? As in, not just "I'm feeling depressed" but the " I hate myself, I see no point, I want to give up"?
He *should* have realized how you are truly struggling, but perhaps he doesnt know the full scope of it? Would printing off post #12 (I think it is??) and giving it to him be an option? You certainly do express it all very clearly, just how desperate you are feeling.
That was an odd comment, about not 'overreacting'...not sure what to think of that one. Except, perhaps he was considering your feelings to be solely related to what your friend told him, that is was isolated to a certain event only? Not on on-going thing?
I know having to see someone new and start all over is a hassle and can be intimidating, but it could also be the way forward. The first steps to getting out of this awful dark place.
I hope you hear soon from the couns. place...they do tend to drag their feet a bit. That is great that you did go. Is it possible to call them, to ask when you might an appointment? If you could let them know how terrible things are, hopefully they could get you in quicker. If you don't feel able to make the call, could you bf or a friend do it for you?
It's great your bf is supportive, as well as your friends. But I do understand that this isn't something you want to keep on discussing with them. Or your parents, but good you were able to talk to them. The more ppl you have for support, the better.
I'm in such a bad place right now. I want to give in. I can't carry on like this, I'm so useless I can't stop feeling like this. I'm so frightened to carry on living, I spend every minute thinking how useless I am...
A friend from work who I was speaking to in cofidence has told all to my bosses (this isn't the first time, but this time she really has told them everything), and not only that, she now says she can't support me outside of work anymore (I know this is fair enough she has got a lot going on at home), but why couldn't she speak to me herself about it all, instead both of us and the two people she told all had to have a meeting today.
I feel alone and betrayed and frightened and scared.
