Triggering (Suicide) - kill me

[snoopdragon]

i hate myself for feeling like this i just want to hurt myself so i will feel better i dont know why it makes me feel better when the constant physical pain i have been in since i was 8 years old makes me want to die why does it feel so good when i hurt myself when i hate the pain im in somedays my head hurts so bad it hurts to breath and i'll wish i would die just so it will stop i have actually prayed to god to just kill me because i hat this so much i know i will never kill myself but sometime i wish somone would do it for me the doctors could never tell me what was wrong with me after ten years of testing the still dont know and now i cant afford to go to the doctor anymore i just want all this pain to stop i want to be happy for more than five minutes before i feel like killing myself again and i feel like none of this will ever happenthe only person that makes me happy for any real amount of time has told me she cant stand me and she is the only person besides my parents that knows about my si i cant stand myself either so how could i expect anyone else to i hateseeing all my scars everyday but i still just want to hurt myself again because i know for alittle while i will feel better i dont know what to do anymore i guess i never have i wish somone would end this for me because i know i never will i dont want to live like this anymore but i dont want to kill myself i dont know what i wantanymore

[Anthonio]

I have no miraculous words of wisdom to aswage what you're feeling but just want to say that you're not alone. I know what it's like to be in constant pain every day and have done for nearly 13 years. Pain so great that no amount of medication will make it go away... running on pure endorphines just to get by... the total collapse when they run out... the frustration at doctors who either don't have answers or seem not to care... the sleep deprivation and the toll it exacts on your sanity... the struggle to find just one person who understands what you're going through and the infurriation at those who's ignorance prevents them from even trying to understand...

That you've made it this far tells me that you're a fighter and not one to quit, so please don't do so now. I was feeling exactly the same as you a couple of years ago but, at my lowest ebb, I somehow managed to take a breather and regroup. If I knew what gave me the strength to do so I would gladly share but all I can say is that it was simply the right time for it to happen. For all my searching I could not find it but then it presented itself without indication or announcement. It just happened.
I now view my daily fight as a battle in stalemate. A form of trench warfare where neither side can back down for fear of losing everything, but I am now well and truely dug in. My trenches are fortified with towers and impenetrable walls of concrete and stone, as will your's be one day.

In the mean time just keep fighting and hang in there chap. With every defense you build, one by one another cloud will disappear from your judgement and a greater calm you may think long gone will return.

Take care chap

Dom

[~*forever_broken*~]

Hun, I don't have any good advice at all...but I am glad you don't want to kill yourself.
Please hang on. Sounds like you are very strong. Keep strong hun.

[TouchVanDerBoom]

*hug* Sorry, I don't have anything more. Be safe.

[snoopdragon]

im trying to make it through this but it feels like it will never stop allday in work people were asking me what was wrong and i did't know what to say i can hide the way ifeel from everyone most of the time but today i just couldn't do it the last time i felt this bad i didnt feel better until i cut myself really bad i cant do that again because i know that wont make me happy for long i just wish i knew what to do i dont want to fell this way anymore i promised somone that i wouldn't do anythig to myself today so atleast i have one more reason not to do it i need as many reasons as can find but i cant find that many